It Hurts So Bad...

I'm a 16 year old girl, but just because I'm young it does not mean the pain gets any less horrible.
You know that feeling of emptyness, when it hurts so bad inside you feel like your world is broken and your insides are going to explode out of sorrow. The feeling of loosing the one you love more than life itself.
You tell yourself you can't take it anymore. That life is no longer worth living, but still you keep on fighting. You stay strong for the ones who sill loves you and needs you.

I loved him so much, and I knew he loved me too. We had not been together for a long time, but it didn't matter. We both were very shy at first but we grew to become best friends as time passed and we always laughed when we were together. He would never do anything to hurt me and he took care of me when I was sad. Like a dream to good to be true. I finally knew how it felt to truly love someone, feel true hapiness.

I saw it comming, i just didn't want to belive it. One night he called me. It was the first time I heard him cry and I knew the words he would say even before they left his mouth.
"i'm sorry. You are one of the greatest girls I've ever known and I will always be there for you, but I don't have any feelings for you anymore..."
We both cried and talked to eachother for a long time before he had to go.

Every day in school I had to see his face knowing I would never hold him in my arms again. After a while he wouldn't even look at me. The days past and every hour felt like a year without him. My life had lost it's meaning. If I didn't surround myself with friends I would cry my eyes out. Every evening alone was a hell on earth. I wrote more than a hundred pages in my diary in less than 3 months.

We didn't speak at all for almost 6 months. I left him alone thinking he wanted it that way. Then two days ago he asked me to speak to him. He told me he was increddibly sorry for not even being able to breaking up with me face to face. He told me I still was a big part of his life, that I meant a lot to him an that he hoped I was still there for him the way he is for me. Then he hugged me and cracked a few jokes.
That smile. Those eyes. Even though I thought he had changed so much, I still spoke to the same person who was mine six months ago.

It kills me. I still love him more than the air I breath, I can't help it. I try to move on and hope that he finds someone who he will love as much as I love him. Someone who takes good care of him and makes him feel special.
But it hurts so bad.
I don't know what to do. I don't even know if he ever stopped loving me...
I'm lost.

losttothesea losttothesea
18-21, F
2 Responses May 12, 2012

I know it hurts right now but you'll find another guy that's so much better and truly cares for you and you will get along in life. Trust me life goes on and it'll drag you by your ponytail if it has to. ;)

at least he cared for you. how many men do you know who is not afraid to show tears? its good to have a closure. its not easy but as least you can move on better. dont long for someone you cant have because it will only hurt you even more. focus on yourself and enjoy your life.