There's No "i" In Team...

But alas, there are two "i"s in intimacy.

I'm a man... married to a wonderful woman now for almost 15 years. We're strong Christians, have awesome kids, and generally seem to like each other... even LOVE each other... a good deal of the time.

The problem? She has no interest in "intimacy." In her words... "I'm just not wired that way." I on the other hand really love intimacy... and so the problem begins!

Having grown up mostly a neanderthal... I was under the mistaken, unenlightened delusion that it was MEN that weren't interested in intimacy (I thought all we ever wanted was sex!) (-:)

Of course, lack of a regular sex life is a part of our current problem... but that's not ALL the problem. We're in counseling at the moment to work through all this and try and figure out some answers, but I'm also hopeful that by sharing my story here, some of you may have insights as well. So... here goes nothing!

For many years, we thought the problem was just that we were mismatched in the sex drive department. Always a difficult discussion topic for most couples, and very hard to quantify - but I was kind of a once-a-week kinda guy, while she was more of a once-every-few-months kinda gal. I now know from this website that this isn't an unusual situation, so I'm sure y'all can understand the frustration both of us felt. For what it's worth, she's always said that I'm an "incredible" lover, it's just not something she craves very often. I of course think it's ALL my fault, she feel guilty for not wanting it more, and so the vicious cycle repeats over and over and over.

Well, over the past few months, we've begun to peel back layers of the onion, so to speak, and have begun to realize that the department where we're REALLY mismatched is the need for intimacy. My love language is physical touch, and hers is most definitely NOT.

Holding hands, hugging, arms around each other... these are all things that help fill my tank. For her, however, it's a huge invasion of her boundaries... which drives her away, makes her feel used, etc. etc.

Now if she feels this way over me reaching over to simply hold her hand... you can easily imagine how it makes her feel if I try to initiate sex. Has led to a very frustrating, stand-off relationship between us.

She feels sad and depressed that she can't "meet my needs," and of course I feel terrible that I can't adjust to HER level of intimacy.

If anyone has any thoughts or suggestions out there... I would very much appreciate hearing from you.
Gregarrio Gregarrio
41-45, M
2 Responses Aug 5, 2012

Try the I Live in a Sexless Marriage Group

Yes. Read the many stories and forum posts on ILIASM - I Live In A Sexless Marriage. You will not find a "solution" I'm sorry to say, but you WILL find many others with this same problem. And you will learn much about the condition you are dealing with. Above all, you will find some comfort in knowing that you are by no means alone in dealing with this sad situation.

Turn down the heat? Or buy airconditioning?