Potty Training At Basic, By Dr. Philbilly

In 1989 I was in basic training at Fort Leonardwood Missouri. I had only been there about a week and we were still stuck in reception station. That’s where you stay before reporting to your training unit permanently. That’s where you get your hair cut off, get your new military clothes, get a 124 shots and they slowly break you into what the military is all about. We were staying in the old World War II barracks. It’s open, no separate rooms and about 50 guys sleeping on bunk beds.

Every day after lunch I leave the chow hall and go back to the barracks to use the bathroom before we start back into our training. Now the bathroom is also open. Wide open. No stalls. No dividers. No privacy. Just 20 toilets lined up against a wall. It’s like sharing a prison cell with 50 inmates. I walk in the barracks and I’m in luck. Nobody home and I get the pick of any toilet I want, by myself. That’s like hitting the lottery.

I sit down thinking about how excited I am to get my training started. I was so gung ho. As I sit there this huge guy walks in, he’s about 6’4 and weighs about 275 pounds. He pulls down his pants and sits down. That’s right. There are 19 other available toilets and he sits right beside me. I just hit the lottery twice in one dang day. As Charlie Brown says “Good Grief.” Now if that ain’t bad enough, this dude makes a funny face and lets out a grunt, and you know why. Then he turns to me, holds out his hand and says “Hi, I’m Leroy, and I'm from Detroit.” Are you kidding me? Do we really have to do this right here, right now? So I make a funny face, let out a strange little grunt and say “Hi. I’m Wayne, and I'm from Missis...Ughhh…New York City”, then I give him my tuff face.

As we shake hands, with our pants around our ankles, sitting side by side, when there are 18 other available toilets, Sergeant Horwitz walks in. Now normally when he walks into the room we stand at attention. Is there a special rule I can invoke here? What do I do? I pull out my training manual from my back pocket and start flipping through the pages real fast. There are absolutely no references on what to do when your superior walks into the bathroom while you are sitting on the can. I am in a nine wind bind. I can see it now, "Wayne Carlan you are hereby court marshaled for refusing to get off the toilet in the presents of a superior in the United sates Army." Thats gonna look great on a resume.

Leroy must be thinking the same thing because he acts like he is going to stand up. If he does then I have to also, not because I don’t want to get into trouble but because I ain’t letting his junk dangle in my face. There ain’t no gosh dang way. Sergeant Horwitz says to Leroy “At ease soldier”. Whew!Man did I just dodge a bullet. I thought so anyway until Sergeant Horwitz pulled down his pants and sat down on the other side of me. What the heck have I gotten myself into? Hoo-Rah!

DrPhilbilly DrPhilbilly
7 Responses Jul 15, 2010

lmao...to funny again lol. Nice watch? I'm crying ha! I can just see that one going down lol. Sounds like u hang with some characters :)

Too funny.....I think some of what makes your stories soooo exciting is how you discribe them. Awesome job!!!! This story reminded me of a friend at work.....one day when he went to use the urinal at work. He was standing there doing his thing when the District manager walks up next to the next urinal and begins his thing. They acknowledge each other with a nod and then my friend looks over and says...."Nice watch, where'd you get it?''.......That became the joke everytime any of the guys would take a pee for a while after that.

lol...now, do you agree that the world is picking on me or what lol.

OMG!!! omg!!! I am sure the neighbors can hear me laughing!!! I caqn't stop laughing! <br />
you are sooo the funniest person ever!! <br />
Great story!

OMG!!! omg!!! I am sure the neighbors can hear me laughing!!! I caqn't stop laughing! <br />
you are sooo the funniest person ever!! <br />
Great story!

Emerald...The only thing I bonded to was the toilet seat lol :)

ROFLMBO! Talk about giving "male bonding" a new meaning! :O