Funny Quotes!

"I'm not lying, I'm writing fiction with my tongue."
"Getting out of jury duty is easy, the trick is to say you're prejudice against all races."
"Where is the "any" key" (in response to the computer pop-up "Press any key" All of the above- Homer Simpson.
"Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night" - Dave Berry
"Remember that a kick in the *** is a step forward" - anonymous
"The law of heredity is that all undesirable traits come from the other parent" -anonymous
"I believe in reincarnation, so i've left all my money to myself." - Tony Blackburn
"Don't tell your friends about your indigestion: "how are you" is a greeting, not a question." - Arthur Guiterman
"You never learn to swear until you learn to drive" but my mom says it's after you get divorced... thats when you really learn how to swear.
"your ignorance craps my conversation." - Anthony Hope
"Shut up! I'm trying to interrupt you!"- Myself
"I'd rather be a women than a man, they can cry, wear cute clothes, and are the first ones off sinking ships." Gilda Radner
"Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someones going to clean it?" - Anonymous
"Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having his hand get stuck in the drill." - Johnny Carson



Quotes from the book "Tweet This Book" (Yeah, that's the title, so blunt. it's awesome right!)
HeartSelfMade7668 HeartSelfMade7668
18-21, F
2 Responses Sep 12, 2012

this reminds me of the johnny carson segment where Jack Nicholas's the golfer, wife was on the show. johnny asked, do you do anything for luck before Jack plays in a tournament. the wife said, "yes, I kiss his balls. Johnny asked, "does it make his putter stand up

Here's one I made up for my profile:- "my wife and I are totally compatible.We disagree about all the same things."