Paris Hilton, Sigmund Freud Flat Planet Jokes I Have Written!

1. How did the Scottish Space Monster handle the Million Wad Spit Ball Monster?
“Being t-r-u-l-y huge, he put him into his mouth—chewed on him a bit to add some saliva—and spit him out!”
“WRONG! He used a giant hair dryer, and then threw him in the trash—which was already overflowing with the numerous spit balls Freud made during the day!”
2. What happened when someone replaced each of the Three Headed Sigmund
Freud’s brains with a carrot?
“He perked up and told everyone they should pursue the Great Carrot in life—he did nothing but!”
“WRONG! He put locks on his windows and complained that rabbits were trying to eat his brains—they were!”
3. What happened when someone replaced each of the Three Headed Sigmund
Freud’s brains with snowballs?
“Until the snow melted he spoke very coldly with his patients. After that he spoke very stonily—patients at time felt they were being hit with snowballs with verbal stones in them, they way he spoke—due to the stones that had been in the snowballs!”
“WRONG! He told his own doctor he was suffering from brain freeze, but didn’t know why—and not looking into the matter, his doctor told him he was nuts—and to try eating a Snow Cone!”
4. What happened when the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso tripped over the Fifteen
Headed Sigmund Freud’s brains he had put on the floor to dry out a bit?
“Freud’s brains were splattered—which made no difference to the doctor—but Picasso has been in a wheelchair ever since due to the fall!”
“WRONG! Picasso laughed, said that it gave him an artistic insight for a big painting, declared that artists had more Freudian slips than most people, and that he was selling the painting of his that got splattered also with the grey matter for an extra million!”
5. What happened when a Five Hundred Pound Talking Potato sat down for a
therapy session with the Fifteen Headed Sigmund Freud?
“He told the spud it had no hang-ups, and having no problems it had no need of him, but said it would be much healthier if it quit talking and allowed itself to be cut up and put into a deep fry—his of course!”
“WRONG! Because he couldn’t help feeling hungry whenever he saw a potato, he let the huge spud talk all it wanted—while he cut parts off, deep fried them, and ate them as French fries, excusing himself from time to time from his consulting room to get vinegar!”
6. How did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud respond when the Fifteen Headed
Pablo Picasso asked him to cut his heads off?
“He asked him to sign them first—so that they would be modern art—but then changed his mind and told him it would cost more than even he could afford!”
“WRONG! He wasn’t thinking for a moment, so he cut them all off straight into a trashcan, and then exclaimed, “Did I do that?” He proceeded to analyze himself until he was satisfied, which didn’t take long at all!”
7. What happened when the Three Headed Sigmund Freud woke up in the middle of
the night and saw the face of a new head on his shoulders right beside the others snoring loudly and breathing bad breath in the other faces?
“Freud felt that four was a crowd, blew the brains of the fourth right out of the skull, smiled, and slept in the mess as if nothing had happened!”
“WRONG! He snored and breathed bad breath right back at it—therapeutically!”
8. How did the Scottish Space Monster handle the Fifteen Headed Time Machine
Trasher when he started junking the time machines on the Flat Planet?
“He pulled out his phasar, told him his time was up, and blasted him dead forever!”
“WRONG! Nothing—and that’s why all the Time Machines that were going to be shipped to planet earth were turned into land fill and we right now do not have any!”
9. How did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud react when his barber cut one of his
heads off?
“He was very shocked indeed, but then he told him he felt a bit less like he was part of a crowd!”
“WRONG! He told him to do the same with the rest—it made him think better!”
10. How did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud react when one of his heads was cut
off, and a Michael Jackson head grew back in its place?
“He was glad to have anything at all and let the Jackson head do all the singing, adding another professional income larger than his medical practice—though it seemed to need quite a lot of slapping!”
“WRONG! He cut if off, hacking the neck several times to make it suffer, better the stump of a neck for the head was worse than beyond psychoanalysis!
11. What happened when Picasso’s time Machine fell apart?
“Nothing—it was just a work of modern art, and could do less than nothing anyway!”
“WRONG! He put it back together again himself, and it has been acting so weirdly time throughout our universe has been so screwed up humankind’ future has many bizarre things on the way!”
12. What happened when Andy Warhol’s time machine fell apart?
“He put it back into the box of cereal where he found it, painting a picture of the box of cereal, and forgot about it!”
“WRONG! He signed and sold each piece as modern art—at least those portions which did not drift off either into the past or the future!”
13. What did the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso do when one of his heads became
invisible?
“He left it invisible until special occasions when he charged big money for people to see him dump flour on it so that they could see he had it!”
“WRONG! He paid on attention to the situation at all, until a truck driver not aware of its existence splattered it—and there was quite an ache!”
14. What did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud do when one of his heads became
invisible?
“He felt good about it—before that the one in the middle couldn’t see very much!”
“WRONG! He let it do all the talking—and told his patients it was the voice of God, and that it cost extra to listen to it!”
15. What happened when the Fifteen Headed Picasso and the Fifteen Headed Andy
Warhol entered into a Tripdoo friendship?
“They both got killed right away—such things are far too dangerous!”
“WRONG! A Tripdoo friendship involves a ritual rubbing of one’s brains in the dirt and exchanging them with the other person, and both artists are now regarded as being more earthy—though they are really just more muddy!”
16. What happened when the fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso and the Fifteen Headed
Michael Jackson entered into a Bjunk friendship?
“In such a friendship each person takes off in a time machine in the opposite direction aimed so that they will collide after they pass the End of Time and come back—if they survive, then they are friends forever, and if they don’t it wasn’t meant!”
“WRONG! They each split each other’s heads—with precise Tripdoo axes—equally down the middle, and fused them with Kargun grease (slopped on rather heavily) so that each head was half a Jackson and half a Picasso head—and they all got shot when the neighbours saw them!”
17. What happened when after a time machine accident Picasso found he grew a new
head every fifteen minutes, displacing an old one!
“Picasso signed each old head as it fell off and made a million dollars each time for his “modern art,” and has never worked again!”
“WRONG! Since he saw the world literally with new eyes every fifteen minutes he got a constantly fresher and more unique perspective—and people massively lost interest in his art work which became worthless!”
18. What happened when the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso dumped the Three
Headed Sigmund Freud into a machine that sends the real you to another planet, and replaces you with other people’s ideas of you?
“A huge red rose blossom filled Freud’s consulting room!”
“WRONG! A huge cigar filled Freud’s consulting room, with much ash falling off!”
19. What happened when the two outer heads of the Three Headed Sigmund Freud
got into a spitting contest?
“The one in the centre took a lot of saliva at first, but got wise, bent over in shame and the two on either side of it gobbed each other better than if they had buckets!”
“WRONG! The one in the centre directed the flow while the other two gobbed away at whoever disagreed with them, and soon all his patients were in submission!”
20. What did the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso do with his machine for turning
plastic bottles into bars of gold?
“He has so much fun with it, and makes so much money out of it, that he has given up on art!”
“WRONG! Productive as the machine is, it was still worth much more as modern art, so Picasso signed and sold it to a museum!”
21. What did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud do with his machine for turning
plastic bottles into bars of gold?
“He fiddled around with it, psychoanalyzed it, and now it doesn’t work—except that it squirts people with ginger ale!”
“WRONG! He psychoanalyzed it, let Andy Warhol fiddle with it, and now it turns out empty soup cans!
22. What did the Three headed Sigmund Freud do when one of his heads turned into a
pudding?
“He didn’t notice for a long time because he was so busy psychoanalyzing, but when someone pointed it out to him, he had his patients taste it and charged them for it, until one of them was terribly hungry and ate the whole thing leaving a mess—the person who ate it’s head shrank massively!”
“WRONG! He forgot what he was doing, ate it, and declared he liked himself a lot more than he thought!”
I Detect An Energy And Vitality That Demands to Be Taken Further!
I feel there are a lot more places I can take the core of this writing to than to which they have already gone.
I experience these jokes as growth centres for my imagination, seeds, acorns of creativity. I enjoy writing them, and have one hell of a good time re-reading them. They are not a big part of my life, but a part that is good.
To me these are not literary birdseed, or nuts on top of the cake, because I can make more of them than that.
23. How did the Scottish Space Monster respond when the Galactic Head Regrowing
Barber offered to give him a haircut by cutting his head off and instantly a new head with the right length of hair would regrow?
“He insisted that the procedure be demonstrated first on the Fifteen Headed Elvis Presley, the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso and even the Fifteen Headed Andy Warhol first!”
“WRONG! He demanded the barber use it on himself first—and he still declined on the grounds it was “unwholesome!”
24. What did the Fifteen Headed Any Warhol do when one of his heads turned into a
can of soup?
“He put it on a shelf in a supermarket and was delighted when no one could tell the difference, but was startled when he went to get it back and someone had bought it and he had to get a replacement that had never been a part of him out of a box!”
“WRONG! He kept the can of soup as his only head, cut off his fourteen other heads, and signed and sold them as modern art!”
25. What did the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso do when one of his heads turned into
a can of soup?
“At first he was going to sue for a fly in it, but realized it had something to do with his genius, and without thinking, he threw it at a joker who called him a “soup head,” he then picked the can back up again—dented—opened it, ate the contents, and he turned into one giant can of soup!”
“WRONG! He shot Andy Warhol dead, because he thought he was behind it—which he was—and they both turned into giant cans of soup, which would be worth millions and millions of dollars if only they were signed, and Freud hadn’t eaten them!”
26. What did the Fifteen Headed Paris Hilton do when one of her heads turned into a
can of soup?
“She consumed it right away—she had a hangover and it hit the spot!”
“WRONG! She commissioned Andy Warhol to do a painting of it, he did so, opened the can, and consumed the contents before Paris could complain she suddenly felt she had an empty head!”
27. What did the Scottish Space Monster do when he found all the lawyers on the Flat
Planet were in suspended animation?
“He gave a sigh of relief—he thought they were just being unusually slow!”
“WRONG! He joined them since he needed a rest!”
28. What happened when the Astrology Policeman stopped the Scottish Space
Monster for doing something his chart said he couldn’t?
“He told the cop astrology is a lot of bunk, and promised to fight the ticket in court!”
“WRONG! He checked the chart out, found it to be correct, thanked the cop and changed course!”
29. What did the Scottish Space Monster do after he bought the Cement Planet?
“He cut it up and sold it for sidewalk!”
“WRONG! Being truly h-u-g-e, and having made a bet, he ate it!”
30. How did the Scottish Space Monster make his way out of the Planet Made Of
Andy Warhol’s Soup Cans?
“He took out his monster can opener and made passage after passage until he got out—he eats only dried soup now!”
“WRONG! The Warhol soup cans were insincere and phoney so he saw his way out so immediately it is as if it never happened!
31. How did the Scottish Space Monster escape from the Planet Made Of
Shakespeare’s Plays?
“He started reading condensed versions of Shakespeare, and the place shrank so quickly it collapsed!”
“WRONG! He read some cutting literary criticism of Shakespeare out loud, slashingly, and soon the Planet was in shreds!”
32. How did the Fifteen Headed Paris Hilton respond to the One Hundred Headed
Paris Hilton?
“She asked if there were not a way of her getting as many heads—if not more!”
“WRONG! She hid her booze supply well, knowing one hundred such heads would make short work of even a truckload!”
33. How did the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso respond when the Three Headed
Sigmund Freud told him that three of his brains were dead?
“He said not to worry—his dead brains were responsible for his best work!”
“He switched the three dead brains in his heads for three of Freud’s—and found that they were even deader!”
34. What did the Fifteen Headed Paris Hilton do when she met the Twenty Headed
Paris Hilton?
“She took her to meet the Thirty-Five Headed Sigmund Freud cloned specially to psychoanalyze the two!”
“WRONG! They called each other party animals, punched each other’s heads off, and now they’ve got that over they have declared their love for each other, and share their joy at being able to pour booze straight down their throats with no tongues, teeth, or mouths in the way!”
35. What happened when the One Hundred Headed Paris Hilton met another One
Hundred Headed Paris Hilton?
“They had a drinking contest and squared away several beer truck loads!”
“WRONG! Nothing happened—each considered the other nothing but a clone, and they refused to talk to each other!”
36. Who stole the brains of the Three Headed Sigmund Freud by surgical removal?
“The Mad Doctor Monster—he believes that the way to increase a person’s brainpower is to fully and completely get rid of the grey matter which fills in a space in the cranium that otherwise would be filled with divine intelligence which requires a vacuum!”
“WRONG! The Complete Damn Fool Monster stole Freud’s brains by complicated surgery when all he had to do was lift the brainpan lids—he was so slow about it that he was arrested just as he had put pepper and ketchup on them (after dropping one on the floor a couple of times) and was about to eat them!
Dr. Freud’s comments to his patients since then have been both pepperish and tomatoish!”
37. How did people react when the Three Headed Sigmund Freud tried to pretend he
was Michael Jackson?
“They knew who it was and that it wasn’t for real since he had only three heads!”
“WRONG! They shot him—dead!”
38. How did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud handle the Five Thousand Eyed Book
Reader when he told him he had read every history of the fifty thousand worlds in their galaxy?
“He told him to pay his overdue library fines before he read any more!”
“WRONG! He told him his eyes looked tired—and he should take up reading books with blank pages the way he did!”
39. What happened when the Scottish Space Monster announced he had run out of
space monsters to vanquish?
“The Planet Sized Garbage Monster attacked him, but he beat the toxic ooze out of him—and made friends with what was left!”
“WRONG! The Planet Sized Garbage Monster attacked him, but he got a fee for whomping it and driving it away in his galaxy sized garbage truck!”
40. What happened when the Three Headed Sigmund Freud told a cyborg cop that he
was unquestionably a comic book concept and not a real person?
“The Cyborg Cop got unquestionably mad at Freud and arrested him—for littering the planet with all the notes he scribbled, cleaned his ears with, and threw away!”
“WRONG! He shot Freud!”
41. What happened when the Fifteen Headed Arnold Schwarznegger decided to
perform some quips and stunts for the Fifteen Headed Paris Hilton?
“No one noticed his stunts; they were all looking at hers, and she was too drunk to even notice he was there!”
“WRONG! She told him just to pass her the bottle—she had seen it all before!”
42. What happened when the Stultifying Sorcerer started hacking at the Scottish
Space Monster with his stupefying sword?
“The Scot surrendered and become a big bore, just like the sorcerer!”
“WRONG! After having a few soulless space opera plots go through his mind, the Scottish Space Monster recovered, and shot the Sorcerer dead with his Fresh Idea Gun!”
43. What happened when a patient pointed out to the Fifteen Headed Sigmund Freud
that his brains were floating above his head?
“He didn’t believe him, and the patient committed, and the brains drifted out the window and have never been recovered!”
“WRONG! He laughed, said if that were true he would eat them—and when he found out it was true, he ate them!”
44. What did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud do when he found his three brains
floating in his bathtub?
“He pulled the plug and refilled the tub several times playing with them, pretending they were boats, and wondered how they got there since he always takes showers, but most of all he marvels at the fact that there wasn’t any water in the tub in the first place for them to float in!”
“WRONG! He hasn’t yet cleaned the ring around his tub, he didn’t take any notice of what was going on either, but put them back in, and now he remarks on how clean his thinking feels as he pushes away the soap bubbles which now pop up in his hair!”
45. What is the Three Headed Sigmund Freud’s advice for defending one’s self from
a brain throwing attacker?
“Keep dodging the brains being thrown at you until your adversary is all out, and being brainless will be easy to overcome!”
“WRONG! Put your own brain in your pocket, and bend your head over so that any brains thrown at you may be caught by your empty brainpan—if you do you will be as brainy as your adversary!”
46. How did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud handle it when he was offered a job as
the sole psychiatrist on a planet sized brain?
“A brain that large he felt would have nothing but psychological problems—particularly because it couldn’t be as good as any of his—so he declined!”
“WRONG! He agreed only on condition that one of his brainpans be upsized enough so that he could get the massive brain inside one of his own skulls!”
47. How did the Three Headed Sigmund Freud handle it when he was told a planet
sized brain was about to strike his house?
“He turned his house into a planet sized brain pan so he could catch it—and claim it as his own!”
“He went out and had “I survived the big brain attack” printed on one of his t-shirts, definitely waved one of his brains at the sky, and got splattered—happily so since he is such a fan of grey matter!”
48. When the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso took the Three Headed Sigmund Freud
on in a beggar kicking contest, who won?
“Picasso put one of his paintings on the sidewalk and the beggar didn’t even notice it, stood right on it—making it more valuable and “original” art!” Freud won because he put one of his brains on the sidewalk, waited for a beggar to bend over to look at it, and kicked him so hard he went face first into the brain!”
“WRONG! Neither of them won—a couple of beggars overheard them discussing their plan, distracted them with the suggestion there was a tiny green man on the sidewalk in between them, and when they both bent over to look at it, they both got kicked!”
49. What happened when the Three Headed Sigmund Freud told the Fifteen Headed
Pablo Picasso he wanted to taste his brains to see how much more therapy he needed?
“Freud chewed out a mouthful from each brain, enjoyed most of them, but found one so sour he spit it out—and declared Picasso needed another thirty years of therapy!”
“WRONG! Picasso told Freud he had had a nibble from each of his brains earlier in the day, and needed a lot of therapy to get over the bad taste!”
50. What happened when the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso arrived for this therapy
session with the Three Headed Sigmund Freud dragging each of his brains along on a leash?
“Freud told him to clean his brains before bringing them into his consulting room—and showed him how to use one leash for the bunch of them!”
“Freud asked him since he was getting so much dirt on his brains if he weren’t going to start painting dirty pictures?”
51. What happened when Sigmund Freud took one of his brains out of one of his
brainpans to inspect it, and found snot on it?
“With his education he felt he had every right to be a snot-brain, so he blew his nose and put even more snot on it!”
“WRONG! He dropped the brain into the toilet and flushed it away—he would rather be brainless than in any way imperfect!”
52. What happened when the Three Headed Sigmund Freud went on a tour of a dead
brain dump?
“He kept walking around the piles and piles until he found his own—which had been thrown out and ended up there by accident!’
“WRONG! The gatekeeper refused to let him out again—he thought Freud’s brains were dead and he would not let him go until he had thrown them in the dump!”
53. What happened when the top of the Three Headed Sigmund Freud’s TV opened, a
mechanical arm and hand came out, removed all three of Freud’s brains, disintegrated them with a little saw which popped up on its palm—and blew away the dust—then opened a drawer in the side of the TV, removed three new brains, and inserted them into Freud’s brainpans?
“Freud smiled and said, “this should happen more often—or I’ll have to buy a new TV set!”
“WRONG! Freud smiled and said, “Now I shall enjoy the shows a lot more—with a proper set of TV brains!”
54. What happened when the Three Headed Sigmund Freud went for a walk in the
country, and after several miles found that his consulting room had detached itself from his home, was following him, had knocked over quite a number of trees and ploughed up quite a lot of grass?
“Freud retraced his steps, the damage was undone, he walked calmly back into his consulting room, and announced he would not be leaving again!”
“WRONG! Freud ran down a narrow alley so that when his consulting room tried to follow him it was smashed. He now meets his patients in the park at a bench!”
55. What happened when the Fifteen Headed Pablo Picasso told the Three Headed
Sigmund Freud he couldn’t find one of his brains, asked if he had left it in Freud’s consulting room, and Freud realized that he had just eaten it?
“Freud found a little bit of the brain between his teeth, and offered it to Picasso saying that it didn’t taste all that good anyway and that less is smarter!”
“WRONG! Freud told him to go home and look thoroughly through his dirty clothes bag—that was always the most likely place for a lost brain, either that or the back seat of his car!”
56. What happened when the Fifteen Headed C G Jung challenged the Three Headed
Sigmund Freud to a brain-bashing contest by each putting one of their brains on the end of a short rope and bashing it into the other’s?
“Freud laughed and said they had already done that as kids with chestnuts—and he had been the winner!”
“WRONG! They went at it splattering each other’s brains until all three of Freud’s were gone—C G Jung then proclaimed himself the winner since he had twelve of his own brains less and Freud was “brainless!” Freud, however, had gotten his three lost brains from a butcher shop, and laughed because Jung had given up three of his very own brains for nothing!”
harvard2 harvard2
61-65, M
Sep 24, 2012