Diary Of A Snow Shoveler

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the
season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight!  Can
there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.

This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely
have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature
dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. l didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels.
Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the
electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska,
after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my *** on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for
an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the
blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but
won't admit it to her. I hate it when she's right. I can't believe
I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Dam snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white **** fell today, and it's so cold it probably
won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to
go out to shovel and then I had to ****. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the ******* is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the
shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son
of a ***** who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the dam snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE ***** is driving me crazy!!!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more

January 3: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
DinahMoeHumm DinahMoeHumm
41-45, F
6 Responses Nov 27, 2012

I'm from the midwest - irritates me to no end when people on tv shows and movies get so excited when it snows (almost exclusively Xmas stories).Me - I dream of green or even brown/tan Christmas's.

Please feel free to move to the North East or the North and enjoy the specific pleasures of a white winter.... you would be more than welcome...

I guess what I was saying is I've seen way many "white winters". I do hear Long Island maybe ideal - supposedly they get a bunch of snow and its gone within days ... that would be a specific pleasure!!!

loved your story i miss snow living in Asia now.
used get snowed in lots in UK

Snow can be lots of fun....:-) I would miss it greatly if I did not have it. If only I didn't have to shovel so much of it every year...but I do enjoy playing it with my children. :-)

I hope you are enjoying Asia.

It took me exactly one winter like this to learn the same truths mentioned in your story! No mo' snow for this beau!

I am glad that you don't have to worry about snow anymore. :-) Catch some rays for me, please.....

This is sooo funny! You're on a roll!

So glad you enjoyed it.... :-) Glad you are warm at work now.....

I am so thankful to whoever invented tights. My least fav clothing, but good for being warm.

I absolutely agree! I have been known to wear hose under my work pants as well....

Oh my god......I have tears in my eyes...this is hilarious.....*I think they're lying* brilliant!!

Thank you do much for the laughs....I laughed so hard the tears ran down my leg!!!

Gotta love spreading the joy... So glad you enjoyed.....

Love it!!!

Wow- you are a fast reader.. :-) I remembered this story after reading about some of the other members' adventures in the snow......

Glad you enjoyed it. :-)

I thought it was a real story at first .. ,, that is just how my feelings start off and change over time .. haha :)

Exactly!!! The first couple of snows are no trouble at all, but after that, although I still love the visual beauty, but the area shoveled gets a wee bit smaller each pass I make.....

Last year we had lots of snow and ice and it got harder and harder to get to work and back. The car swerved all over the road and I became very nervous :(
Older people in the village didn't get out for weeks ...

I am lucky to be in a neighborhood where, when we lose power, or there are a series of storms, we all check in on each other to see if anyone needs anything. I am a very lucky person- we have a generator, wood stove, and fireplaces, so we are not without power for long.... We do have some older folks in our neighborhood, and several of us make dinners for them if the power is out ( they won't leave their homes......), and do the shoveling to keep their drives clean in case access is necessary...

Driving on ice is unnerving- I agree.....

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