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A Woman's Week At The Gym

This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.



Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY: Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups , although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

TUESDAY: I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile . I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY: The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.

THURSDAY: Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny ***** to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

FRIDAY: I hate that ***** Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps ! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn bar bells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY: Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

SUNDAY: I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little ****) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
DinahMoeHumm DinahMoeHumm 41-45, F 7 Responses Jan 1, 2013

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lol

Lol
Reminded me of the time I tried a judo class to get fit.
I was aching so much afterwards I was unable to stand straight for a week .. and that was just one session!! I didnt go back.

Excellent! Love the Joan Rivers quote too.

“Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.” ~ Paul Terry

Awesome quote!!!!! So much truth in it....sigh.... ;-)
Thank you for taking the time to read and to comment. :-)

Thanks for the good laugh. Great way to start the day.

Thank you for reading, and for commenting. :-) (So glad you enjoyed it....laughter at the start of the day always makes for a better day- sets the tone....)

:):):)

First Time I read this on one of my friend's page made me laugh for almost the whole day. Read it aloud to many many knowns around me for a week or so.Today, while re reading the stuff made me smile yet again. Hope You are doing OK.

:)

I am glad you enjoyed revisiting the story. Hope you have a wonderful New Year. Thanks for reading and for commenting.

Good wishes & Prayers for You too, DinaMoeHumm.
__/|__

I swear this reminds me with my old physical therapist.. exept that he wasn't cute at all lol

Yikes......too bad about the lack of eye candy. ;-)

Your so funny!