Irish Jokes and Catholic Jokes - Warning, May Offend, But Very Funny!

So here are a few of my Irish/Catholic jokes - sorry in advance to anyone who who might take offence.

                                                             Paddy's Nails

Paddy O'Leary owned a hardware store in Limerick, he had, the year before, invented a type of nail which was stronger than any other on the market, but they weren't selling as well as he'd hoped. He had a friend who ran an advertising agency, so he enlisted his help by asking him to make a commercial. "They're called Paddy's nails and they're really strong - can you make sure you mention the name and their strength in the ad?" he asked. "Absolutely" his friend repiled, "I'll let you know when it's finished and when it'll air."

Two weeks later, Paddy gets the call; "The advert is finished & i know you'll love it - it airs tomorrow at 8pm on ITV, so make sure as many people as possible are watching."

The evening after, Paddy's sat with all his family and friends, waiting for the ad to air. 8pm comes and as promised on comes his advert; It depicts Jesus on the cross & a Roman soldier with a hammer. Underneath is the slogan "Paddy's nails - they'll hold up anything.

Naturally he was appalled, as where his guests, all being devout Catholics - this couldn't have gone more wrong. He immediately picks up the phone and rings his ad exec friend.

"What the hell are you playing at with that advert?!" he yelled down the phone; "My family are horrified - you'll have to change the advert!" His friend gave him an apology and promised to have the new advert ready to air a week from that day.

A week goes by and, once again his friends and family are gathered around the TV waiting for the new ad. 8pm comes and on comes the new ad - this time it depicts Jesus running really fast and two Roman soldiers chasing after him. This time the slogan says - "They should've used Paddy's nails"

                                                 A few short jokes

How do you confuse an Irishman? Take him into a round room and tell him there's a pint of Guiness in the corner.

Why was Jesus so popular with the ladies? Because he was hung like this (put arms by side crucifix-style)

(one for the Catholics) How many protestants does it take to change a lightbulb? None; because they all live in eternal darkness.

What's black and white and tells the Pope to **** off? A nun who's won the lottery.

Why is the Bible like a willy? You get it forced down your throat by a priest.

How can you tell if a Catholic priest is a peadophile? Is he Catholic? Is he a priest?

Jesus was walking along one day, when he came across a huge crowd. They were stoning a man for blasphemy. Jesus told them to stop, and said to them "Whoever among you is free from sin, let them cast the first stone" All of a sudden, a huge rock flew past him, hit the man and knocked him to the ground. "Do you know what?" said Jesus, "Sometimes you really p1ss me off, mum"

Why do Irishmen wear two condoms? 'To be sure, to be sure.'

Did you hear about the dislexic female terrorist? She confused semtex with tampax and blew her bits off.

Definition of an Irish 'Qu**r' - an Irishman who prefers women to drink.

(one for the academics) - The foreman says, "You must have an intelligence test." The Irishman says, "Alright." So the foreman says, "What is the difference between joist and girder?" And the Irishman says, "Joyce wrote Ulysees and Goethe wrote Faust."

Incidentally, i don't think the Irish are thick, as these jokes portray them; some of the world's cleverest men came from Ireland. For example; George Bernard Shaw, W.B.Yeats, Oscar Wilde, Roddy Doyle, Dave Allen, Frank McCourt, Brendan Behan, Michael Collins, James Conolly, Oliver Goldsmith, James Larkin, Robert Emmet, James Joyce & The Duke of Wellington, to name but a few. Don't want anyone to think i agree with the sentiment of the jokes - they're just funny, is all; no offence intended.


kazwaz1977 kazwaz1977
31-35, F
13 Responses Mar 6, 2009

"I am a medical student currently doing a rotation intoxicology at the poison control centre in Brisbane. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and, at the end of the conversation, happened to mention that she had given her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away".


3 nuns are in a car accident, the next morning saint Peter opens the gate. The first nun steps up says forgive me for I have tutched a mans penis with my hand. Saint peter say rinse you hand in the holy water and enter the kingdom. 2nd nun steps up the 3rd pushes her aside and says can I gargle before you put your *** in the water.

How do you get a nun pregnant??? DRESS HER UP LIKE A CHOIR BOY

Um, Hahahaha :)

They're all new to me Hahahah :)

Really great! Quite a few I hadn't heard before.

I love reading jokes bout irish, coz we irish can get away with any thing, just look at the priest hood, love the jokes mrs, keep em comin lol

Ooh thanks for that! My fave's paddy's nails and it was my Irish uncle who told it me, lol.

Hahaha - these are so funny!!! If I can remember any I will have to tell them to everyone!!! Absolutely no offence taken - the Irish love to laugh at ourselves!! <br />
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I have to point out that in your list of 'the worlds cleverest men' you forgot Frank O'Connor. And Patrick Kavanagh. If you havent read any of Frank O'Connors short stories rush out and buy them this second...same goes for Kavanaghs poems!!

Exactly! Oh, im so relieved, wanted to post these for a while, but the world's getting a bit silly - im all for political correctness, but come oooon! They're only jokes.<br />
Glad they tickled someone, they gave me a giggle, so i thought id share.

As an unrepentant child of Irish parents.... ROFLAMO!<br />
No offence taken. We all need a bit 'o humor along with our drop 'o spirits.

Hahaha! She'll like this one then;<br />
It was the Olympics, and a news reporter was covering the athletics events. He'd managed to get an interview with a runner, a triple-jumper, a discus and javelin thrower, when he saw a man walking along with a long stick.<br />
"Excuse me," said the reporter, "but are you a pole-vaulter?"<br />
"No," the man said; "i'm a german, but how did you know my name was Valter?"<br />
LOL.<br />
Was gritting my teeth when scrolling down these comments; wasn't sure if id get flagged, but i did put fair warning on! Besides, all jokes are at someone's expense, aren't they? AND, i reckon i can tell these jokes, as im both half-Irish (the best half, lol) & Catholic - lol.<br />
DD - my husband says i should be on stage too - sweeping it! haha

LMFAO!!! You could make $$$ as a stand up. No, not that kind, I mean a comic! LOL.<br />
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Hears one my wife hates as she is Polish.<br />
<br />
A Polish men’s swim coach was asked to take on the women’s swim team who also needed a coach.<br />
<br />
No problem. He worked hard until the first meet. Both teams did well until the women’s Brest Stroke event. The Polish coach’s team of women finished dead last. He protested! The other women used their arms!...DD

Did you hear about the Irish fellow who was so excited about the Pope coming to visit his town that he actually kissed his wife goodbye in the morning and hit his horse in the head with a shovel?<br />
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(Q.) Favorite spectator sport in Ireland? (A.) The D.T.s