3 Jokes For The Day...:)

Heard over the radio broadcast of a Chicago baseball game. . .

In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're

kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's

kissing him on the balls.


I never quite figured out why the sexual urges of men and women differ so

much. And I never figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never

figured out why men think with their head and women think with their heart.

I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a

state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do"


One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed.  Well, the

passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it, I

just want you to hold me."  I said "WHAT???!!! What was that?!" So she says

the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear...

"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me

to satisfy your physical needs as a man.  " She responded to my puzzled

look by saying, "Can't you just love me for  who I am and not what I do for

you in the bedroom?"

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with

her.  We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big

unnamed  department store. I walked around with her while she tried on

several  different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one

take so I  told her we'll just buy them all.  She wanted new shoes to

compliment her  new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit.

We went to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond


Let me tell you, she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave

short of a shipwreck.  I started to think she was testing me because she

asked for a tennis  bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play

tennis. I think I threw  her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all

dear, let's go to the cashier."  I could hardly contain myself when I

blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel  like it."

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled

"WHAT??!!!"   I then said "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this

stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a

man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, why

can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I won't be having sex again until sometime after pigs fly over

a frozen hell.


Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new

Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash

without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise

this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to

best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.


1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Open the car window

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN

4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt

6. Close window

7. Drive away


1. Drive up to the ATM

2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM

3. Re-start stalled engine

4. Open the car window

5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card

6. Turn radio down

7. Attempt to insert card into ATM

8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance

   between car and ATM

9. Insert card

10. Re-insert card the right way up

11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind

12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN

    written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"

13. Enter PIN

14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN

15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror

16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and

    press "enter"

17. Retrieve cash and receipt

18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and

    place cash inside

19. Place receipt in back of cheque book

20. Re-check make-up

21. Drive forward two metres

22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind

23. Retrieve card

24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder

    and place card in an empty slot

25. Drive two or three kilometres

26. Release hand brakee day..:

masterzune masterzune
41-45, M
4 Responses Feb 25, 2010

yep u do babe...:)

clever...i'll need to remember those exact words ;)

that is funny as ****! No really honey, i just want you to hold this stuff..... LOLOLOL