Here's a few one liners to chew on.

I bought a train ticket today and the driver said, 'Eurostar '
'Well I've been on the TV but I'm no Dean Martin'

I then phoned the gym and asked if they could teach me the splits. 'How flexible are you?'
I replied 'well I can't make Tuesdays'

So I was getting into my car and this man says to me, 'can you give me a lift'
'Sure' I replied '. You look great, your clothes are really nice, the worlds your oyster, go for it '

Do you know someone actually complimented my driving earlier. Yeah they left a little note on my windscreen that said parking fine

I went to buy a watch and the man in the shop said, 'analogue?' I said 'no just a watch'

Oh yeah I met the guy who invented crosswords yesterday. I can't remember his name though. It's P something T something R.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife and she said to me ' how many potatoes would you like?'
I said ' Ooo I will just have one please'
She said ' it's ok you don't have to be polite'
'Ok then ' I said. ' I will have 1 please you ugly *****'

I went to the dentist last week and he said ' say Aah' I said ' what for ' and he replied ' my dog died today'

Velcro, what a rip off

I phoned the local swimming pool and said ' is that the local swimming pool?' He said ' depends on where you are calling from '

I then phoned the local telephone company and said 'I want to report a nuisance caller' he replied ' not you again'

I had to sell my favourite Hoover this morning. Well all it was doing was gathering dust

Apparently 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. Well as there are 5 members of my family so 1 of them has to be Asian. It's either my mum my dad, my older brother Colin or my younger brother Ho-chan-Che.

And finally,
I was in the army once and the Sergeant said, ' what does surrender mean'
'I give up'
jason230868 jason230868
36-40, M
1 Response Aug 22, 2014

lol! I enjoyed reading them.Thanks

They were in the paper today. An English comedian called tim vine if you want more . He's on the net.
Perhaps you can help. There used to be, a couple of years ago , an American one line specialist. He was brilliant. Would you know his name

Yeah, I recognised the one about the Hoover. Saw Tim Vine tell that one on the news the other day.
I'm in the UK too. : )

Ok well you will get this one then.
A woman is walking down the high street when she see a sign outside a pet shop that says, '**** licking frog'.
This intrigues her so she goes in and says to the guy behind the counter ' I'm interested in the **** licking frog' with which he replies 'oui Madame '

LOL!!! That is really good. Must try to remember that one.
: D

Cheers mate

2 More Responses