Post

I Laughed Til I Cried Reading This

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little
something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt,
pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate
time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA
batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed.
I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal
surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and
forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the
face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?
There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to
try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought
about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She
is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work
as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer
in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms
and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make
your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer
than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less
than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy,
bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened
next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as
to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a
tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one
second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed
the button, and .. ..

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . .

WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the
recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over
again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears
in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt
to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of
caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You
will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent
thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered
conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that
point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the
landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The
recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My
triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.. I had no
control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of
smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came
from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
reward for their safe return!

P.S... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now
regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid!!!

author unknown
8FOOTDREAD 8FOOTDREAD 41-45, M 24 Responses Jul 4, 2010

Your Response

Cancel

you are most welcome FurElise...joy to your world

[8foot notes "smart aleckey gets him more hugs from Kurzemiete"...:-)

smart aleckey answers ha! <br />
(hug) K :)

ha ha ha Kurzemiete...you can't feign me...:-)

ooooo 8FOOTDREAD! <br />
*Kurzemiete half feigns look of shock* !!! <br />
thank you, I think o_O.... :)

ha ha glad you like foreverhjustme

This is hilarious but all kidding aside my ex told me the next time he sneaks up on me he would rather be shot than "tasered." Those things are no joke if you get the right ones. They make some that are not like the one described but if you get the right brand and hit that release trigger it does take whomever you have hit with it a while to get up and be normal. Yes, I laughed because I know someone on my real life who did this with theirs. Too funny.

ha ha ha word UP bluebie...

At least now you know you got your wife an effective weapon. I think I'll get one myself now, and just take your word for it that it works ;)

THANKS Hannah and PWoM

LOL LOL LOL

LMAO, this story made my day! Thanks for sharing it!!

sadly yes pamster - only a guy would be this stoopid...and funny enough to write about it for the whole world to know ha ha ha

glad to have lightened your day museli :-)

Hahahahahaha!! Am sitting here laughing, and am speechless, 8FTD...!! :))

ha ha ha - please don't try it yourself Kurzemiete - you're shocking enough just as you are ha ha ha

thanks for the laugh ,too funny i can see me trying it on myself too , why not :P! <br />
Well not any more, so thanks a doube time for the warning :)) hahaha

I know right Vignette - what is about that second act...like we ant the pain to happen again???!!!ha ha ha<br />
<br />
Yes that has been the reaction of many Kitti...thing is we have quite simply lost our minds and let our hearts laugh at the funny stuff in life...<br />
<br />
I'm looking forward to others sharing their dumbass moments for a laugh...

lmao .... omg that was too good ... I laughed so loud ... everyone is looking at me like a lost my mind ... hmm I know a few peeps I would like to zap their tuckass with this thing... 8 foot your the best thanks for posting this xD

I used to put metal keys into electrical sockets as a kid. Gave me an awful jolt, and dammit if I didn't keep doing it! Glutton for punishment I guess! :-)

ha ha ha - I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return! - priceless...glad you all had a good ole laugh...<br />
<br />
and yes we males do do the stoopidest things<br />
<br />
when I was a teen I stuck my finger in a light socket and got electrocuted...as I was telling myself I'll never do that again for no reason at all my hand just poked its finger back in the socket and BAM I got zapped again...don't ask - it was my "dumb ***" moment!!!

Oh my!! This was hysterical!! Thanks for the laughter!! :-)

OMG! I fell out of my Chair!!!

Haha I got this one too!