I Like Monkeys

I like monkeys.

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that
odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to
look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.

I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His
name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really
bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed.
Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.

I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new
environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at
high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the
spectacle lost it's novelty halfway into it's third hour.

Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive:
they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta dropped dead.
Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn
cheap monkeys.

I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my
room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked
like I had 200 throw rugs.

I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.

I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for
a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real

I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want
to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.

I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately
there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change
them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so
it didn't all go bad.

I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to
extinguish the fire.

Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in
my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odour
wasn't improving.

I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the
bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.

I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't
allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet
one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the
frozen ones.

I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My
friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like
them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in
the genitals.

I like monkeys
Bleed Bleed
31-35, F
24 Responses Mar 4, 2011

No. I just monkey around a lot!

Wow Joel do you have a lot of run ins with horny monkeys?

Well, they're better off dead. Think of all the monkey ***** you won't have to shampoo out of your carpeting, and out of your upholstery, or wipe off the furniture, the walls, the ceiling....

Well i'm just gonna be happy that i'm the first thing you thought about upon waking HAHAHA

Rofl.. mhmm well imma still gonna blame you. Cept my ferrets lost their heads and turned blue.. wtf?! Lol freaky *** dream.. I woke up and thought "damn you bleed!" Lmao

HAHA *looks up* No I believe this was about dead monkeys, so totally NOT my bad lol

Had a grotesque dream about dead ferrets the other night, I believe I have you to thank for that.. lol

As much as i'd like to take credit for this one. It isn't one of mine. It was a viral email a quite a few years back and i've never forgotten it, so I just wanted to share it.

That story... that was amazing. Dark, surreal, and brilliantly written. You should send that to a magazine or something. I'm sure it would be printed. It's the best short story I've read in monts.

He also gave me a slow loris as way of compensation. But all he does is sit on my shelf staring at me O.O <br />
<br />
He thinks about bad things, dark things. I caught him playing with dead mice yesterday. He'd poked their eyes out!<br />
<br />
I made him sit on the naughty step. <br />
<br />
He wasn't happy.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure I completely trust him anymore.

Thata girl!

Oh yeah I punched him in the genitals first. He got the wet toilet monkey too :D

Rofl... Did u at least try to get your monkey money back? I hope u punched the pet shop owner lol

Yeah... don't let that information get around. ;) <br />
<br />
Blushark, I'm sure most of us on here spank our monkies every now and again.. :p

*spanks Duke* I promise to be gentle this time ;)

See I should have known you'd know what to do gyps!! *palms face*

<br />
Dammit bleed... you should have told me, could have saved you the hassel. You buy some acid and throw it in a bath tub with the monkeys. It'll take hours still and I would suggest using a small shovel to stir everything around every hour or so to properly breakdown. You'll also want to make sure to use rubber gloves. ::headnod::

Xd poooor monkeys. Can I have one?!?

Nice ending, didn't see it coming (^_^)

ROTFL Ford!!

Nah, my monkey might get confused if I let someone else spank it :-D LOL

Myth - You can't prove nothing, NOTHING!!!!<br />
<br />
They died cos I spanked them too hard *hangs head in shame* Want me to spank your monkey too?

ROFL!!! Since you're all out of monkeys, you can always pet mine ;-)

That was so funny.