Arguement Clinic

The Cast (in order of appearance.)

M= Man looking for an argument

R= Receptionist

Q= Abuser

A= Arguer (John Cleese)

C= Complainer (Eric Idle)

H= Head Hitter

M:   Ah. I'd like to have an argument, please.

R:    Certainly sir. Have you been here before?

M:   No, I haven't, this is my first time.

R:     I see. Well, do you want to have just one argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

M:   Well, what is the cost?

R:    Well, It's one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

M:   Well, I think it would be best if I perhaps started off with just the one and then see how it goes.

R:     Fine. Well, I'll see who's free at the moment.


R:    Mr. DeBakey's free, but he's a little bit conciliatory.

Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.

M:    Thank you.

(Walks down the hall. Opens door.)


M:   Well, I was told outside that...

Q:   Don't give me that, you snotty-faced heap of parrot droppings!

M:   What?

Q:   Shut your festering gob, you ***! Your type really makes me puke, you vacuous, coffee-nosed, maloderous, pervert!!!

M:   Look, I CAME HERE FOR AN ARGUMENT, I'm not going to just stand...!!

Q:   OH, oh I'm sorry, but this is abuse.

M:   Oh, I see, well, that explains it.

Q:   Ah yes, you want room 12A, Just along the corridor.

M:   Oh, Thank you very much. Sorry.

Q:   Not at all.

M:   Thank You.

(Under his breath) Stupid git!!

(Walk down the corridor)

M: (Knock)

A:   Come in.

M:   Ah, Is this the right room for an argument?

A:   I told you once.

M:   No you haven't.

A:   Yes I have.

M:   When?

A:    Just now.

M:   No you didn't.

A:   Yes I did.

M:  You didn't

A:   I did!

M:  You didn't!

A:   I'm telling you I did!

M:  You did not!!

A:   Oh, I'm sorry, just one moment. Is this a five minute argument or the full half hour?

M:  Oh, just the five minutes.

A:   Ah, thank you. Anyway, I did.

M:  You most certainly did not.

A:   Look, let's get this thing clear; I quite definitely told you.

M:  No you did not.

A:   Yes I did.

M:   No you didn't.

A:   Yes I did.

M:   No you didn't.

A:   Yes I did.

M:   No you didn't.

A:   Yes I did.

M:  You didn't.

A:   Did.

M:  Oh look, this isn't an argument.

A:   Yes it is.

M:   No it isn't. It's just contradiction.

A:   No it isn't.

M:  It is!

A:   It is not.

M:  Look, you just contradicted me.

A:   I did not.

M:  Oh you did!!

A:   No, no, no.

M:  You did just then.

A:   Nonsense!

M:  Oh, this is futile!

A:   No it isn't.

M:  I came here for a good argument.

A:   No you didn't; no, you came here for an argument.

M:  An argument isn't just contradiction.

A:   It can be.

M:  No it can't. An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

A:   No it isn't.

M:  Yes it is! It's not just contradiction.

A:   Look, if I argue with you, I must take up a contrary position.

M:  Yes, but that's not just saying 'No it isn't.'

A:   Yes it is!

M:   No it isn't!

A:   Yes it is!

M:  Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of any statement the other person makes.

(short pause)

A:  No it isn't.

M:  It is.

A:  Not at all.

M:  Now look.

A: (Rings bell)  Good Morning.

M:  What?

A:   That's it. Good morning.

M:   I was just getting interested.

A:   Sorry, the five minutes is up.

M:  That was never five minutes!

A:   I'm afraid it was.

M:  It wasn't.


A:   I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue anymore.

M:  What?!

A:   If you want me to go on arguing, you'll have to pay for another five minutes.

M:  Yes, but that was never five minutes, just now. Oh come on!

A:  (Hums)

M:  Look, this is ridiculous.

A:   I'm sorry, but I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid!

M:  Oh, all right.

(pays money)

A:   Thank you.

short pause

M:  Well?

A:   Well what?

M:   That wasn't really five minutes, just now.

A:    I told you, I'm not allowed to argue unless you've paid.

M:   I just paid!

A:   No you didn't.

M:   I DID!

A:   No you didn't.

M:  Look, I don't want to argue about that.

A:  Well, you didn't pay.

M:  Aha. If I didn't pay, why are you arguing? I Got you!

A:   No you haven't.

M:  Yes I have. If you're arguing, I must have paid.

A:   Not necessarily. I could be arguing in my spare time.

M:  Oh I've had enough of this.

A:   No you haven't.

M:  Oh Shut up.

CheekyGeek CheekyGeek
Feb 23, 2010