An Easy Choice To Make, But This Is Not The Way It's Always Been

I'm a man.  A gentleman, actually, but still a man, prone to tripping over male fallacies along with the rest of the pack.  To me, however, this is a choice I find so easy to make.  Which is not to say I never look at an attractive woman and sometimes wonder what it would be like . . . but my reality doesn't take me there.  Concepts like casual sex and 'getting laid' just don't resonate with me the same way falling in love and sharing a (monogamous) lifetime commitment does. 

It hasn't always been this way, however.  Oh, no!!  Was a period of about eleven years, from when I was eighteen until about twenty-eight, that I really enjoyed the idea of scoring.  Nearly all of the time I had to settle for the idea. 

Since 1998 I have been with only one woman, my ex-wife.  I have not had a relationship nor shared my bed in the three-and-a-half years since we separated.  I haven't always been content with that, mind you.  I have asked women out, but I will not do anything fool-hardy or stupid just so I can wake up with someone else beside me in the morning, either, which has been a good, worthwhile choice for me.  I can live with myself that way, both literally and figuratively.

I was talking about how it hasn't always been that way?  Prior to meeting my ex, I had ten girlfriends.  Of those, it was only the first two whom I didn't sleep with.  I was too emotionally immature, and so excited about actually spending my time being in love with someone who felt the same about me that pursuing them sexually didn't enter the equation (each girl later told me they would have willingly let me "take advantage" of them, too).  It wasn't until my third girlfriend that I actively pursued, and received, the honour of losing my virginity, which started me on the road of not caring quite so much with my heart as my sex drive. 

The thing is, with a couple exceptions, most of those experiences lasted for a weekend, or was even a one-night-stand.  They were mostly fun and relatively fulfilling sexually, but there wasn't anything to fall back on for either of us once we put our clothes back on and left the bedroom.  I do have relatively fond memories of each of those times.  In hindsight, however, whatever happiness I obtained was short-lived.  I'd just wind up feeling empty.

I was never too crazy about chasing women.  Getting to know and flirting with them was okay.  As soon as I entertained the idea of actually wanting things to progress further, though, things just fell apart.  If I was 40 lbs lighter it might be different now, but I'm not 40 lbs. lighter, and don't think I'll get there soon.  So, if they don't just flat-out refuse, a boyfriend will suddenly enter into the picture -- and why not? 

In my 20s I was thinner and sexier and it wasn't as much a challenge, although it was never a cake-walk, either.  There were lots and lots of failed attempts at seduction.  Then, when it actually worked, the process took so long, from talking and talking and talking, to convincing her to come over (once she made that decision things usually accelerated, though), to guessing how soon to make my move, to respecting her as a woman as we're tearing each other's clothes off, until we finally reach the bedroom.  Sheesh!  I would have scored more often if I'd pursued track-and-field instead.

In '97 I moved to attend university, where I threw myself into my studies instead.  A lot of the time I'd find an isolated spot to study, too, to keep myself from getting distracted by all of my female peers.  Sometimes I thought about sleeping with someone.  But, God, who had the time?  And what kind of mess would it become?  I was literally tired of picking up women.  I turned down a few obvious opportunities, too, in place of hoping to find something more fulfilling and permanent.  Meeting the woman who became my wife was an innocent progression of meeting and casually getting to know each other, to getting together to study (our lessons, not each other -- not yet, at least), getting off campus together now and then, dating, falling in love and becoming soul-mates.  It didn't happen overnight, although I wouldn't say it took too long, either.  We started having our eyes on each other at least one month before it became serious, although I can remember suggestions of something between us even before that.

Having had that relationship, I haven't felt the desire to go back to the other, really.  Sure, I'll wonder about a brief, casual encounter, but only wonder.  The idea of not knowing someone fairly well before satisfying each of our physical needs doesn't appeal to me any more, not even in my imagination, to be honest.  To me, pursing someone with my heart is the way to go, is far more fulfilling and satisfying.
UnderEli UnderEli
46-50, M
Aug 10, 2010