My Father Once Told Me:

December 29, 2006

Okay.  I’ve had some gin.  And, I just got finished taking a bath….and listening to music.  “Into the Mystic” by Van Morrison.  I want this song playing at my funeral.  Just before this song, I listened to “Dust in the Wind” re-done by Eric Benet.  And, right after that song, “Heaven Help” by Lenny Kravitz….a song I was given by my late husband…the father of my children.  And, my college-son is sitting out in the living room….home for the holidays…with his 3-year girlfriend who’s still a senior in high school and JUST turned 18 yesterday.  I’m laying here, wrapped in a towel on my bed…..thinking about their young love…thinking of the innocent and pure way that my son loves that girl…thinking about their history…..about their future….about their young, supple bodies…..thinking about how I was in love with his father…..how he died…how life and love are so not how we plan….how beautiful it all is…even in all of its painful unexpectedness.  Yes, I consider life this way when I’m not “under the influence,” yes, I try to share my perspective with people.  Even in all of my cocooned, tomb-like depression, I scream it to people:  “Life is amazing!  Love is ALL there is!!!!”  They tell me I’m “weird” when I’m straight.  They write me off as being “drunk,” when I’m all emotional, crying about the awesomeness of everything….after I’ve drank some gin, or wine.  But, it’s all the TRUTH and I feel SO alone in it, whether I’m straight or drunk.  But, it feels good to dance and cry…I can’t hardly cry when I’m straight…although, I have been doing a lot of crying lately.  It just FEELS so much better when I’ve been drinking. 

Can anyone say ALCOHOLIC?!?

But, I’m gonna get up and dance to this Arabic music blaring out of my speakers right now.  And, I’ll mourn for my lost love…and all the things my children will lose as they move through life…..as they find out that there is an infinite balance to each of their experiences…that they, too, will endlessly mourn, in exchange for every joy they experience….

...such is life….

And, I could be in Greece right now…..dancing with the natives….feeling love…all alone…..

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
2 Responses Dec 29, 2006

your words are touching me like poetry. under the warm haze of the drink, it's true, it just feels better. i hope that you can begin to mend. love IS all that matters. i raise a glass to you, and pray for sweet release. god bless.

I am sorry for your loss. If you knew then what you know now would you do it again? I hope the answer is yes. So many people wander through life and never know the feeling of love or the cold chills from a sensual touch. Indeed, I have no understanding of losing such a close love, but I am happy you are left with some warm memories to help mend your broken heart.