Music Transports Me

December 29, 2006

Okay.  I’ve had some gin.  And, I just got finished taking a bath….and listening to music.  “Into the Mystic” by Van Morrison.  I want this song playing at my funeral.  Just before this song, I listened to “Dust in the Wind” re-done by Eric Benet.  And, right after that song, “Heaven Help” by Lenny Kravitz….a song I was given by my late husband…the father of my children.  And, my college-son is sitting out in the living room….home for the holidays…with his 3-year girlfriend who’s still a senior in high school and JUST turned 18 yesterday.  I’m laying here, wrapped in a towel on my bed…..thinking about their young love…thinking of the innocent and pure way that my son loves that girl…thinking about their history…..about their future….about their young, supple bodies…..thinking about how I was in love with his father… he died…how life and love are so not how we plan….how beautiful it all is…even in all of its painful unexpectedness.  Yes, I consider life this way when I’m not “under the influence,” yes, I try to share my perspective with people.  Even in all of my cocooned, tomb-like depression, I scream it to people:  “Life is amazing!  Love is ALL there is!!!!”  They tell me I’m “weird” when I’m straight.  They write me off as being “drunk,” when I’m all emotional, crying about the awesomeness of everything….after I’ve drank some gin, or wine.  But, it’s all the TRUTH and I feel SO alone in it, whether I’m straight or drunk.  But, it feels good to dance and cry…I can’t hardly cry when I’m straight…although, I have been doing a lot of crying lately.  It just FEELS so much better when I’ve been drinking. 

Can anyone say ALCOHOLIC?!?

But, I’m gonna get up and dance to this Arabic music blaring out of my speakers right now.  And, I’ll mourn for my lost love…and all the things my children will lose as they move through life… they find out that there is an infinite balance to each of their experiences…that they, too, will endlessly mourn, in exchange for every joy they experience….

...such is life….

And, I could be in Greece right now…..dancing with the natives….feeling love…all alone…..

MysticWriter MysticWriter
36-40, F
17 Responses Jan 6, 2007

I listened to your funeral song while reading this and cried my little heart out (I'm sober by the way)..

But I would love to share a glass of gin with you, hug you and let you know I think the same things and only want the best for you. Keep staying the strong person I know you are.

I know I don't know you (and maybe I never will) but I love you.

This just about breaks my heart....I'm so sorry for your loss....I wish you peace and joy and lots of love in your life.....I raise my wine glass to you!

If one drink makes you this honest it's ok the heart sounds blissfully pure, but beware of too much. And sorry you lost your love because it sounds like you loved them hard and pure mourn your loss but please remember to live for that love loss and for the love that is all around you and in your children.

That was beautiful in a twisted type of way. And i am young, and understand what you are saying. Its like i can feel what you feel. Not entirely, but some. My life is not so hot, but it could be a zillion times worse, and yet i know there's balance. I will have good times to make up for these bad ones. I will have bad times to make up for my good ones. And all the while the pulling current of music's soundwaves will be with me. Draging me along for the ride.

hey, dance til you die, dance. i dont consider an alcoholic someone who benefits from medication and self medicates because they know how to do it instinctively. cheers!

Live on, you made so many people feel your pain. Your not alone, we understand. Ofcourse I can only imagine that pain. But everyone has some kind of pain in there lives. They could substitute or just mourn together with all different kinds of pain. Stay strong.

Your husband DIED? omgosh I'm so sorry for ur los!

i really loved this story, and i am sorry about your husband, that fu**ing sucks. it is best to feel everything, whether it be happy, goofy, inspired, or pissed off at the world, or angry or very sad.<br />
<br />
".but there is nothing to fear about. have faith in your self."<br />
i agree with this person<br />
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keep calm&carry on<br />
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very moving and so true... i'd luv to see the world as you do

Love it

Jw that was well thought out. I like.

I love your story because I have a huge playlist. A playlist of the people i lost with the pass of the years. I everytime i listen to this song make me feel like there are here in the room with me I think about all the great moments. And honestly years back i try to shield myself of it . Putting a big wall and dont letting anybody to get in until I set down with a couple friend and undersatnd everything we go thru life have a reason. And god gave us the opportunity to choose if we keep sufering and crying or laugh and enjoy life day by day. Thanks for your story God bless you and your loves one.

Amazing....I was completely lost for afew moments...thanks! I needed that......badly.

hi there.... you are right life is so much challenging,it shows so many thing in short time......but there is nothing to fear about. have faith in your self.<br />
what world says you need not to bother<br />
this world laugh on your pain and the same people can come with you when you will have good time........

The girl in this song "plied her guts with gin." <br />
<br />
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" Who's to say where madness lies, perhaps to be too practical is madness."<br />
<br />
I'll spare you more gushy compliments on your amazing writing.

What a beautiful story. Very well written, and very well put. Life is amazing, and you are commendable for continuing to share that with the world, especially after suffering such a loss.