Heartache

So I have recently decided to start talking to my child's father again and things have been going well. It's only been 3 weeks but it really feels (or at least so I thought until tonight) that things were different. I got a phone call from a woman he promised never to talk to again stating that he thought I was a stupid ***** and that he was only using me to see his son and that they've been working together selling things (he sells things online). I called him tonight, to see where his head was at and I tried to be calm but I couldn't. I am not a good liar and I where my emotions on my sleeve. I knew that if I had brought it up it would have caused an argument because he wouldn't have cared or been able to see how he was responsible for this phone call. He is not a total *******, he's kinda like Jim from according to Jim, his choices are not necessarily all the way thought through. So from my perspective it looks like he is covering up something when he doesn't take accountability and from his perspective he could be telling the truth but I am not trusting him. I have really fallen in love with him this time and I do trust him a lot more but I just get this nagging feeling like if he really cared about me he would be all in. To his credit he wants us to be cordial to one another but to mine I have been waiting 7 years and have his child. We had this almost 2 hour conversation this evening with me talking the whole time and it felt horrible. The first part was almost an argument because of the phone call that I didn't mention but was angry about. Then I just came to the conclusion even if I brought it up he wasn't going to do anything about it because he was either lying to me about the woman or because he would think I was starting an argument. It couldn't just be that I want to understand why this crazy ***** is in your life. I asked him directly if he had anything to do with her and he said no. I don't know whether I trust him because I can't talk to him about the phone call. I just know I am tired and I have goals. I really really love this guy. Every piece of advice anyone has every given me about him was dead wrong but that doesn't stop me from feeling so stupid and like I just got played again. At the end of our phone call I had spent the WHOLE time being really open and honest and vulnerable and he said some nice things but I didn't enjoy the conversation because I have always been the one that has pushed things forward. I don't want to wear the pants but I am tired of waiting. I really wanted him to say something intimate to me like I love you so much ____________ or I have thought about marrying you __________ I love the way you do (something other than sex) __________. I got nothing. He asked me what I wanted to hear and I didn't really tell him. After that phone call I needed reassurance that I can trust him and I really didn't get it. I didn't ask for it but if someone you love is pulling away then the first reaction is usually to say something that will make them feel better so they don't pull away. We have a baby and yes we have been at war with each other for a long time but I still don't deserve to wait. I still deserve some reassurance when I'm feeling unsure. I love him so much but I don't want to do all of the work. I am tired of feeling left in the cold. I don't know whether to be patient or just to give up but I know tonight didn't feel good at all. I have given him until Jan 1 (which will be 2 months of being civil) to decide whether or not things will go forward and we will be in a relationship. I haven't told him that but that's where I am at. The question is what do I allow in those two months? Where do I draw the line, if at all? I really just want someone to be with and to cuddle with and to love. I want another child and I want to get married. I want to marry him. In my mind I really don't see a reason why we can't elope. I don't want a big wedding anyway. I can't afford it and no one has really helped mend our relationship together to invite to a wedding. He isn't there but again I haven't given him time. I am tired of waiting and I feel so robbed of physical and emotional affection I feel like I can't breathe.
AnonymousDiva AnonymousDiva
26-30, F
Nov 27, 2012