Goodbye

I love my baby daddy and that is why I am saying goodbye. The person he is at this present moment is abusive and I don't deserve that. I allowed him in my life again and he tried to take me back to this really dark place that I don't want to ever visit again. I think I may have lost everything I have worked so hard for as a result of having him in my life and I just know now that that is who he is. He put me down for so long I hated the person I saw in the mirror. I hate myself for ever allowing myself to be with someone like that. He told me he loved me and all of this other stuff while he also lied and told me he wasn't seeing a woman who had threatened me and stalked me for so long. All of that is irrelevant at this point. I really thought if I believed and had faith he would finally treat me with the respect I deserve. He told me he was willing to be in a relationship with me but he wanted to see us as friends first. I should have walked away as soon as he said that. We have known each other for far too long for us to be just friends while he figures out whether or not he wants to be in a relationship with me. It was an excuse and another way to not meet my needs. I have decided to move on and this time I do so with the threat that he will get a restraining order on me because I am not complying with his request to support him after I lost everything to keep peace between us. I did that because I want a man to do that for me. He will never do that or understand that is what I need. I am independent and can take care of myself but I still want the hero, not the villan. I want a man who will comfort me when times are tough, not yell at me. I want a man who understands how important personal safety is to me, not someone who screws my stalker and tells her intimate details of my life. I want a man who is willing to apologize, take accountability and move forward, not a man who doesn't think he does anything wrong and stays stuck in the past. I am trying my hand at believing in God again but I don't know if it working for me. It just feels like a set up for failure. If there is a God, I know that that God would be the only to make this happen and that God would see how bad my soul is hurting from this man's abuse and that God would make it stop. I don't deserve the pain this man gives me. Someone sent me a kind letter in response to my other stories about him never changing and being a narcissist and him not ever realizing the pain he causes me because he is a narcissist. That's probably true. He has no empathy. I have done bad things and I have tried my hardest to make things different and apologize but it was never good enough. When he does something wrong it's always the silent treatment and then you have to beg him to have you back in his life. I am not sure how I got caught up in this sick abusive game but I have been happy in my life and he is not going to change. I need to be happy in my life again and that is why I need to say goodbye.
AnonymousDiva AnonymousDiva
26-30, F
Dec 13, 2012