Does Your Love For Children Scare You?

I used to be utterly terrified of the fact that one day my mother would die and leave me. That fear dominated a large part of my life, and only finally faded away last year, when my fear became a reality after my mother succumbed to a very brief fight against cancer. Ironically, it was a great liberation for me, because now the fear is gone, but I am still here, and I survived the one thing I thought I never could.

But now I have a new fear!

When I used to talk to my mother about my fear of dying, she explained that although she too was afraid of death, she was more afraid of her children dying than she was of herself dying. I couldn't easily relate, of course, because I had no children of my own. Now I do, three adorable babies, and just as she predicted, I fear for their lives a thousandfold over my own. I can't bear to think of them ever being hurt, or to think that I might die and leave them one day, and when you think like this it just spirals until you either go insane or whack up a wall to it and calm yourself back down.

I'm good with walls, luckily. I also remember as a small child, wishing that my parents had never created me - which is not the same as wishing I was dead - I actually wanted to never have been born in the first place, because then I wouldn't have needed to know the pain of life and of losing it.

This all sounds very depressive, so I must clarify that despite saying these things, I do feel glad to be alive, and glad that I have had my children. I simply hope their minds are never tempted into the same territories of thought as mine has been.
davidstone78 davidstone78
26-30, M
5 Responses Jul 30, 2007

WOW! I typed "Why does it hurt to love my kids?" and this Experience Project came up and your story struck such a chord with me I had to give you a shout out. My kids are my world and I am terrified of dying and leaving them behind. Thought I was a complete kook. I just don't want to sear my children's hearts with any pain of the failure I feel like I am. Thank you.

I feel exactly the same way. Even to the point where wishing I was never created into existence when I was a child. Not that I'm not happy to be alive. I receive the most joy I've ever experienced in life and the most deep sadness with my child. I don't want to ever lose that bond. Why does it have to end bc we die? It can't understand why the strongest connection has to be broken one day.

I live in a constant state of fear and worry about the same exact things. And I finally lost my Dad after a lifetime of fear of losing him. I am not okay 6years later. And I fear for my children to be without me. It consumes my every thought. I don't live life. I am always waiting for the worse. I wasn't this afraid of the world before I had children. By boys adore me more than I can understand. I have made them feel afraid to explore life without me. They worry about leaving me alone even to play with a friend. This is not what I meant to do to them. I don't know how to change what I've done to their little loving and caring minds. The are insecure because of my depression. They never know what MOM is going to be like from one day to the next. Even I don't know how I will be each morning. They are always waiting to see if I am okay or not okay..every single day. Such a sad way to live. I feel like I love them so much it aches, and hurts. Why?

<3

If they are lucky, their minds might visit the territories that yours has been in, and they'll be wiser and more substantial for it. What a relatable feeling!! What a burden some times Life can be because of the way that we process it! How blind we are! There is none with true understanding. Or true compassion. And if there is, he or she, or it, is not talking in the streets. In fact, probably not talking at all. Just living. ~ Every man has to find his own path. How lonely it can be. And how heart-wrenchingly inevitable. At times we are like small children, playing clueless, and others, we are like decrepit old men, barely able to walk, groping in semi-darkness.