I Remeber When I Was 12...

i first met my 2nd cousin. he was 13. from the states. and I was there to visit. i fell in love with him instantly. i tried to be around him all the time. but yet then i already knew i had to be secretive about it. i watched basketball games with him and cheered for his teams just be close. sometimes even back then i once in a while thought the way he looked at me - he felt the same. time went by and almost every summer till i was 18 i went to the states to visit my family. he moved away when he was 15 and i just saw him on special occasions. not even every year.

@ 18 i moved to the states not because of him - but because of me. i tried to live there - but i grew up differently so i moved soon-ly back. in this time we saw each other once - and yet again i was hanging in his room. we talked about my boyfriend which he considered NOT GOOD for me and I big mouth told him to mind his business - which he answered with - ok fine (smiling) i won´t care ever again. NOOOOOOOOOOOO i said. please care. i am sorry didn´t mean that. (all i wanted for him to care in any kind of way. he just smiled left the house and i didn´t see him for the next 5 years. (didn´t speak either)

so in 2005 i went back to the states. we got a hold of each other. went out and then it happened. we drove after the club to his place i was tipsy rested my head on his shoulder and we looked at each other like we knew. we slept in one bed. and then it started - we ended having sex. my dreams came true. i thought. the next day he wasn´t even funny about it. we had sex again. and just spoke a few sentences about it. i drove back to my grandmothers house and felt awkward. my dream became true but i started hurting. i wanted him the whole way. i knew secrets was going to begin. sneaking. keep up fronts. i went back home after two weeks and cried my heart out. saved all my money and was back within 5 months. i didn´t have a lot at that time. but i made it happen. i wrote him letters always called. he knew and knows what he means to mean.

he says he loves me the same. but i never got a letter back. just the sayings via the phone - you know if this was okay for everybody you i would already be married. he only called me once - when my grandmother had told him i was getting married - which she lied about. i think she knows or believes something) the only call. he was in a relationship and so was i - still am with the same man. which i know have a daughter by. i tried to forget for 2.5 years. and my life was ok. not good but ok. then i dreamed about him called his sister got the # and made the terrible mistake to call - i am caught up again. i am giving - loving treating to my equal. but it is so hard for me. he can´t call me - or my boyfriend might answer. he cant text because what if he checks my phone. he can only write me via email. and he barely does that. it´s just like he gets along with the situation better than i do. i can´t stand for him to have a girl - but he gets along fine with me having a boyfriend. i mean he says he just cant change it if he could he would take me away from him. but us saying we are together - our family would kill us BOTH. its just he can control his self better. i am the one always going half bananas. i would go to the end of the world with him. but he is the smarter person. i would regret it probably one day. i love my family. why did i have to fall in love with him???

it´s hell on earth like destiny is playing a game with us. here goes the one u always loved and he loves u (i know that - BUT i wish for more showing - he believes guys shouldn´t kill them selfs over a female...) BUT HA HA - he is you cousin. you can never be together.

TORTURE. i am thinking about deleting his number changing my email and secretly disappearing again like i did before. i am just tooooo hurt.

what would u do?

PS. and the worst thing about it is - my boyfriend treats me better (my cousin is not mean or bad at all) and yet i do love another man. i am sorry torn. in love. confused. hurt.
inlovedeeply inlovedeeply
1 Response Jul 25, 2010

I agree I think he also fears about the family drama....alot of ppl fear that and dont know how to act.... I remember one time I got kicked out of my house cuz my dad was upset about finding out about me and my love and here i am with my 2 yr old son driving to his house crying my eyes out I get there and hes all like its ok! and im like WHAT!!!! its okay!!! NOT ITS NOT grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr lol But it was okay everything turn out okay.....But what makes it hard about this whole situation is you both are in a relationship with someone and clearly you both care about them...and you said he treats you better....I think you need to take a step back and really compare the two and see what your heart tells you....I had to do that a couple time to make sure my mind wasnt playin tricks on me....I do hope the best for you!! Also I remember reading alot of stories where people where in relationship with other ppl and not with their cousins the ones they truly love and just disappear and terribly regret it after for not keeping in touch with them....But I do hope the best for you!!