More Confused Than Ever

   This is kind of a Part 2 to my previous story, “I need help…”  There’s too much there to repeat, so if you want the whole story, you should start with that one.  Here's the link: EP Link This is another long one, I know.  As a quick recap, her mom married my uncle a little over 2 years ago, so she’s actually my step-cousin.  There’s no blood between us.  I’m 24, and she’s 19 (Different from my last post, I know.  Time has a way of making people get older ).

   Well, shortly after I posted my first story, she dumped the jerk.  That was great news for me, especially because I had nothing to do with it.  It almost seemed to me like she was doing it to give me a chance, but I just don't know.
   A few weeks later, she told me she was thinking of getting back together with him.  I asked if she wanted my input, and she said yes.  I told her how much I didn't like the way he treated her.  When they were together, she was always so sad and angry, but since the break-up, she's been happier and smiled more than I've ever seen.
   I had been talking to her one night about how depressed I am right now.  I told her how I felt like I wanted to change, to become a more confident person.  At least three times during that conversation, she told me, "I think you're awesome!" with a lot of emphasis on the word awesome.  I told her how she was my best friend, and that she was the most important person in my life.  I said that she was the only reason I'm still living here, and that if it weren't for her, I'd probably just pack up a few things in my car and disappear.  I said that I still might do that anyway.  She just said, "Really?" and then sat in silence thinking about that.  I don't know what to make of that.  She didn't tell me to stay.  She didn't say she'd miss me, or anything like that.  After a couple minutes of silence, she asked where I'd go, and what I'd do.  I told her I didn't know, and that I just wanted to leave, because it didn't seem like there was much of anything for me here besides her.  

   Since then, I've ratcheted up the flirting, and it seems to me that she's doing the same.  I'm just so bad at reading signals though, and I can't tell for sure...
   Every time I bring up the future, she says "we."  We were on a camping trip a couple weeks ago, and we went on walks every day, checking out the scenery and chatting.  When I said that I could see myself living in a place like that, she said, "Yeah, that would be awesome.  We wouldn't even need much room."
   A couple days after we got back, I was talking about what I'd do if I ever got rich.  She looked at me and said, "We will be rich, we'll win the lottery!"
   A couple days after that, I asked her where she would want to live if she could live anywhere in the world.  I remember specifically that I said "you," but when she answered, she said she'd want to live in a tropical rain forest.  She said, "We could have such a cool house out in the jungle."
   She keeps saying "we" when I ask about her future, or when I talk about mine.  That makes me think she sees "us" as a possibility, and she's trying to hint at it.  

   The thing is, every time something like that happens that makes me think she sees us together in the future, something else happens that makes it seem like that's not the case.  
   Out of the blue, she told me she has a crush on this driver that comes to the store we work at.  That's kind of weird, because she's usually pretty guarded about her relationships.  She hardly ever even talked about her (now) ex-boyfriend other than venting about fights with him.  Some people have suggested she might be trying to make me jealous, but I can't tell.  It seems like that might be true, because when she was talking to her sister about him while I was there, she kept glancing over at me.  That's odd, because she almost always keeps up eye contact with whoever she's talking to.  I just don't know if she was gauging my reaction to see if I was jealous, or if it was just coincidence.
   Then, the other night, I was over at her house like usual, hanging out with her, her brothers, and her younger brother’s friend.  She and the friend were obviously texting each other.  All night.  From across the room.  She hardly talked to me at all.  She and I went outside to have a cigarette, and she was still texting him the whole time.  I felt sick; I’m not usually the jealous type, but that crushed me.  That night confused the hell out of me.
   I texted her about it the next day while I was at work. I asked if they were together, and she said, "Kinda.  We're not dating, but we like each other.  I hope that doesn't become a problem."  Even though I was half-expecting to hear that, it still hit me like a ton of bricks.  I didn’t respond for a while, and she texted back “??”  After another few minutes, I told her I couldn’t text back right away because I was busy.  I asked “Would it even matter what I think anyway?”  She asked, “Do you not like him or something?”  I resent my previous text.  She said, “Yes. But I don‘t understand why you would have a problem with him.”  I said “It’s more of an in-person conversation” so I could buy some time to think over what to say.  She responded with, “Ok??”
   Her brother and his friend have been hanging out with us every night since then, so I haven’t even had a chance to talk to her alone about it.  However, she hasn’t texted him around me since then, and she’s basically been ignoring him while I’m there.  I don’t know what that means though.  Is she just being respectful toward me?  Or was she really trying to make me jealous all along like some have suggested?  Her texts made it seem to me like she has no idea why I wouldn’t want her to be with him, which would mean that she wasn’t trying to make me jealous.  I’m just so confused about this.  I’ve been learning about reading body language (a little pathetic, I know) in the hopes that that would help me figure this out.  Basically everything I‘ve read says that she‘s interested, but all this other stuff just contradicts that.  I wish I was better at reading signals.  Anyone have some advice?
checkinthesiteout checkinthesiteout
22-25, M
3 Responses Aug 13, 2010

Well, I suppose it's time I updated this. I told her. And now she doesn't want to talk to me. I've lost the only person in my life that means anything to me. My family's worried. They don't know why I'm depressed like this. I haven't told them. And I can't. My mom thinks I'm going to kill myself. And I don't know, I might. There's not really anything left for me.

Iv'e been with my cousin for 7 years now, and we had allways been close since we were little. I feel exactly the same feeling as you to your cousin. I can't see me been with anyone else but him and he not just my cousin, my boyfriend but my soulmate and my best friend. If I ever losted him I wouldnt know what to do. As a girl and one whose use those signals on my cousin when I was still in high school, they are most certainly signals that she want you to realize. My cousin was actaully the one who entialated our relationship, he told me he loves me when I was so down in dumps. He pretty much confused me too, with all the signs and I wasnt sure if he liked me or not. But in my heart and mind I knew he did and I tried to get signs out of him and I tried to make him jealous, everything. I would try and see if he was attracted to me. and when he finally told me I was over joyed cause I love him bk too. I know your scared, but you too already close and there are clear sighns there too. But you have to be carefull when to tell her. I can only say what I think and what it sounds like to me who done those things too. It ups to you how you want to approach things.

i think she is beginning to grow up and she wants to experience more....she probably is aware of your questions and caution but i think you should hold on to the pain for a while longer....to let herself know if that guy is good for her or something like that. But yea i know what you mean...it is like getting hit by cars and bricks. DONT ever tell her your feelings until the time is right. i mean by that that maybe you should wait until she is crushed or crying or really sad...