So Sexy

This summer was the best summer of my life!  I got to spend a month and a half in Florida with my cousin, Andre.  He is a year older than me (I'm 13; he's 14).  We've always been so much closer than cousins, but more like best friends forever.  Now I love him even more than that...  I've always been able to tell him anything in the world, even things that no one else knows about me, things that are very personal, and he knows all of my deepest darkest secrets.  I know his too.  But more than that happened this summer... the adults in our family trust us since we are cousins and so they don't normally watch us when we are together and sometimes we got to stay home alone.  However his younger sister, Tatiana, was almost always with us as well and she knows nothing because she was only 8 years old.  Regardless Andre and I did a lot of stuff together...

Sometimes all three of us did stuff or we did things with her in the room even though she didn't know.  The three of us went swimming in our grandparents' pool almost every single day.  And we were sometimes allowed to go swimming at night (and they don't watch us in the pool anymore) so after it was dark outside, we would turn off the light in the pool.  ...This is when Andre and I would skinny dip.  We went underwater first and then took off our bathing suits and we kept them around our ankles so that if anyone came outside to check on us we could just pull it up and they'd never know.  It was fun because it felt so free and there was that special feeling of knowing that you could get caught at any moment (which we never were however there was one very, very close call).  And we would always take showers together outside (with our bathing suits on) and we would hold up our towels as we took off our bathing suits outside so they could dry.

The best things happened at night, especially after Tatiana went to sleep... And it was always at my Uncle or his father's house... In Tatiana's room...  We never actually allowed to sleep together but he could hang out in my room as long he wanted as long he went back to his room to go to sleep.  But in this time, me and Andre did a lot... This was when we would cuddle and text/talk and we would get horny and he would finger me.  We never went beyond that and I wanted to do him sometimes but he didn't let me (sorta strange i think now...)  But he did get on top of me an we might as well have been having sex but I always felt that it was only his fingers going inside me... I loved all of this because i love him so much and I knew I wanted him from even before I left (I didn't exactly think this would happen but I certainly wanted something)  

Even though all of this happened and I know I love him, I'm still not sure if he loves me.  I wonder if maybe i was just like the "practice" for him.  We both swore never to talk about and he wanted me to forget it but I know I cannot and I will not and i don't think he ever truly will either... Once when we were taking a shower outside, he started singing "One In A Million" (I forgot why) and I told him he's my one in a million, and he said "What?" like kinda surprised or confused but not mean or anything.  I was able to cover it up though by telling him about how ever since i was like 8, I've always said that when i have a bf i want him to be just like Andre, and then he said "oh" like kinda relieved but maybe a bit sad but more so relieved I'd say... So I don't know if he feels the same for me or once again if I was just "practice." I also worry about him starting high school... What if he gets a gf and I get put on the back burner? Or what if he only wants to hang out with his friends and he never has time for me?  Or what if there are some good, crazy, fun parties that he'll go to and I can't?  I'm going to be soooo jealous when he gets a girlfriend 'cause she;ll never know him like I do and she'll never know that we learned from each other...  Idk maybe I'm worrying for nothing because we might be too strong for anyone to come between us but idk if we'll stay that way...  This summer was great and I just wish things could stay the way they were...
deleted deleted
4 Responses Sep 24, 2010

I do understand your love but am i the only one who it seeing the consequences here? This is still ****** and i don't understand why you would want to be more than good friends and cousins. I love my cousins, but i've never wanted more from them because i don't need it much like you don't really need it.

No idea why that word was censored

hey i was in love with my cousin. Man we had such fun together. It was so awsome. I loved hir.

hey, im young..and my couisin is 3 years older than me. weve been together for a while now..weve done evberything you can think of together. yall sound alot like me and him. me and my couisn will be together forevferf nad plan to get married really soon. its a rough road..but i promise you, its worth it :)

protect your heart. He is not ready to be committed . continue your life and new relationships. If it is meant to be it will happen in time. Just don;t wait around