I Am In Love With My Cousin, Isn't That Complicated Enough???

Where to begin....

My mother's sister was killed in a train accident 26 years ago. She and her husband had two sons, and after my aunt died we didn't see them again as children. I met one of their sons when I was in my teens, he had come to live with my family for awhile, he had been in an out of trouble and needed somewhere to stay, but I had not seen the other son, the younger of the two who is four years older than me, until about twelve years ago for a very short get together with our grandmother. Unlike his brother, he has made a good life for himself and is a respectable Christian man. We had both married our high school sweethearts and at that time, he and his wife had just had their first daughter out of two, and me and my husband had just had our third daughter out of an eventual four.

Last March, we reconnected on facebook and exchanged a few emails here and there. On Labor day he and his family were going to visit my mother for the weekend and they talked me into trying to be there the same weekend with my family so we could all meet. Me and my four daughters made the trip that weekend, at that time my husband could not go due to hunting season beginning. I have never had eyes for any man other than my husband, but when I met my cousin, it was just completely unexplainable. There was an instant connection. I noticed it in him too, the way I would catch him looking at me from across the room, he didn't even try to hide it! It was a great weekend, our kids hit it off immediately and I knew we would all keep in touch from here on out, but I had no idea what the feelings were that I was having. After that weekend, we chatted and emailed regularly, I have never felt more connected or drawn to another human being!

I had gotten the impression through our chats, that my cousin was flirting with me. I was very unsure if that was his intentions, after all, we are both in our thirties and have both been married, me for 16 years now and he for 18 years. I commented something to the effect of if he was flirting with me, and I could not have regretted that statement more. He avoided me for a little while, and later told me he had been embarrassed about that, and wasn't sure how to take it. I apologized profusely, but when I realized he was avoiding me, I was completely distraught. I apologized profusely and we continued to visit regularly. Not too long after that, his statement to me was "If I didn't know any better, I'd think I was falling in love with you.". I knew that was what had already happened to me.

That was over a year ago. So much has happened, I have since told my mom how I feel for him, how much I love him and how much he loves me. His wife knows that he has "feelings" for me and she does not know for certain that we are still in contact, though she suspects. My mom was very shocked to say the least to hear of my feelings for him, even though she had suspected it and at first was very angry about it. She has since come around to be very supportive and has told me that she would support me whatever I decided to do. That was a huge relief, although it does not make anything easier.

My husband does not know of my feelings for my cousin, although, I suspect he has suspicions due to comments that have been made. This last year has been a very hard year for our marriage for reasons that have nothing to do with my cousin. And the same for my cousins marriage, for reasons that have nothing to do with me. If we were not married to other people, we would definitely be together. Married to each other even. I love him so much, we love and adore each others children, we have so much in common and so much to offer each other, most of all this amazing love. We still love our spouses, and do not want to hurt them or our children, which is why we are still apart. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. To love someone so much, that you cannot be with is cruelty. I have never considered myself a selfish woman, and have a hard time with the thought of how many people would be hurt if we each divorced to be together. My husband is a good man, he has his issues, but he is a good man. My cousins wife is a genuinely good woman, someone I could see being friends with if she didn't know I was in love with her husband. I know that sounds terrible, but I truly love this man. I have no idea what is in store for us, we have tried a few times to end what is going on between us, but we couldn't stop it last September, we definitely cannot stop it now. I pray every day and keep "hope" in my heart for a day that I can be with the one I love more than anything.

Advice welcome!
jumarie jumarie
4 Responses Nov 12, 2010

I can totally relate to your story. My cousin and I have been involved since our teen years...we lost touch for awhile but united a few years ago when his mom (my aunt) died. Seeing each other brought back everything for the both of us and we resumed our "special relationship", even though I married after I lost touch with him. His wife had died, so he is free, but alas, I am not, and I'm married to a wonderful man, so my cousin and I keep things under wraps, even though we both want to be with each other permanently. We see each other when we can, but we are separated by 900 miles. We are happy to be in each other's lives again, and we take things one day at a time. Good luck with everything.

Heal your marriage or leave it. Boundless pain is inevitable in either case. Give yourself AND your husband a chance to find happiness, together or apart. Encourage your cousin to do the same. Prepare as best you can for the consequences.

I'm in my own situation that's kinda similar, so I can not offer you advice but It is great to know I am not the only one in this situation.