After Years Of Denying It, I Wanna Share My Story.My cousin is my first love. I believe he may even be my true love. However, because of rules of society we obviously cannot be together. I wish things could be different, and people could accept it. More so, I wish our families could accept it.
I came from another country when I was 12. I never met any of my cousins here in the States before. At the time, my dad and I had to live with my grandparents because we didn't have enough money to have our own place yet. In a twisted turn of fate, my cousin and his family were also living there at the time. When I first met him, I felt nervous, and my heart was skipping a beat. At the time, I simply considered it nerves because of being in a new country and all. But now I know better.
We didnt talk much, eventhough we lived in the same house. Eventually they moved out. I didn't see him for a year and forgot about him. A year later, he and his siblings came back to live with us again. That was when I was turning 14.
At 15, my dad got kidney failure, and the rest of my immediate family were still back home. I felt alone. My dad was in and out of the hospital, and that's when my cousin and I got close. We went to the same school and had the same teachers. (different classes though) We helped each other in homework, he comforted me about my dad. Eventually my feelings grew. And so did his.
I kinda felt it, but didn't wanna do anything. It was wrong. That was when I began writing. I wrote a poem about him, and I guess he found it. He began asking who it was about, and I didn't wanna say anything. But those eyes. He could make me melt with those eyes. I finally told him it was him, and he smiled. My heart pounded in my chest, and he held me. I remember ironically I told him I could hear his heart beating loudly. When he let go of me, I asked him what are we going to do. We both knew it was wrong. So we started hiding secretly about it. He was my first kiss, and to this day I would say it was the sweetest kiss of my life.
We wrote each other letters because speaking about it was too risky. There were many people in the house. At school we would meet up, and just hug and kiss each other in our secret spot. It was hard, with the sneaking around and the guilt, but it felt so right. Like the only right thing in the world. His family isn't exactly ideal either. All we had was each other.
Eventually my grandparents found out, and forcibly forbid us from not speaking to each other, not even to be in the same room together. I never got to say any last words to him about our relationship. Eventually we started dating other people. It hurt to see him with another girl. We still lived in the same house. I dated a lot, trying to forget him. It was torture being just a few steps away and not being able to say anything. I burned all his letters to get closure, but it didn't work. I spent the rest of highschool in agony, longing for him so badly. Eventually he moved out.
Im 21 now. I still see him at all the family occasions, making it unbearable. Recently, I heard he'll be moving to another state, and it broke my heart again. I guess we are on different paths now. I don't know how he feels about me now, but I am still in love with him. People say the saddest love is the one not reciprocated, I disagree. I think loving someone you are forbidden to love is even sadder. Just look at me. I don't think I'll ever get over the feelings, I've tried.
I still remain hopeful. Maybe someday, things will have changed, and loving him wouldn't be so wrong anymore, even if it feels so right and pure. I'm glad I'm able to now share my story after six years. I guess I'm not the only one.
agathapadua 18-21 7 Responses 0 May 19, 2011