Written on September 18th, 2011
Me and my cousin have always been fairly close. Not as close as some of the people on this site say that they are but closer than me and my sister are. I say this because in hindsight I realize that there have always been more feelings about her that stem from somewhere else and not just the the tree of unconditional love but from that part where you feel like you have found someone that not only completes you but sees you as you are. There are four of us two on each side of our family. There is my sister and I on my Moms side and My older cousin and her on my Uncles side. The age range is like this; my sister starts it off at 24 and then it goes to my older cousin, he is 23. Then there is me at the awesome age of 22 and finally the youngest one who brings up the rear. She is 21. She is very beautiful and is the object of this story. I have always had a crush on her from a young age. When we were very young we only went to school for half of the day and we would get picked up and taken to her house until my mom got off work. I remember thinking back then that i wish my mom would never come pick me up. So in hindsight i can see that these feelings have for the most part been there in some way or another. Then as we grew up we started reaching that age where young kids begin to wonder about things and who better to ask then your best friends right? Well at that time she was one of my best friends because her, my sister and my older cousin always were together hanging around our grandparents house. Well during these times we would go off and "play." It was never anything serious or extreme but lets just say that it did go a little bit past you show me yours and I'll show you mine. But it was innocent and I would be a fool to think that we were the first kids to do this sort of thing. But it wasn't just on one or two occasions but happened periodically over a span of about two to three years. Anyway we continued to grow up and it became more and more difficult to play around with each other, which by this point had diverted into just me and her as my sister and her brother were both older and wanted to do more "grown up" things, which never really made any sense to us because they just did kid stuff too but just without us. However thats another topic. Well as time passed the games ended and when we saw each other she did her thing while I did mine and everything was cool. But then she started growing up not just physically but mentally and emotionally as well. And i did the same. Thats when I started realizing that i had never stopped liking her. I laid it aside as just a thing all boys felt towards pretty girls but the feeling never changed or went away. In fact it got even stronger and more powerful. Well by this time we were both in high school however at different ones and we see each other probably a good one hundred times a year probably more. But that feeling I get just keeps getting stronger. And its not just a crush. I find myself thinking about how beautiful her eyes are and how perfect her smile is. But not just small things like that, there are others as well. There have been times when we get together and watch movies and all I can think about is how much I want to kiss her and hold her close to me and to whisper in her ear and feel her shudder under my touch as I tell her how happy just being in her presence makes me. Well one time during summer when I was on my way to being a senior and she a junior i ended up texting her more and more. (You have to remember that anything regarding love or sex was never discussed prior to junior high and so for all i know these feelings are for the most part one sided.) Anyway I began texting her and talking to her. Her parents never bought her a personal computer so she would use mine on occasion to download songs and make cd's for herself. Well lets just say those times at my house in my room while no one was around were extremely nerve racking and I have never felt more butterflies in my stomach than whenever it was that we were alone. Anyway I finally got the courage one night while we were texting to ask her if she remembers when we used to "play" with each other. She responded saying yes and why do you bring this up now? And I thought to myself I had already crossed that first bridge why not cross the next one. So I went ahead and told her that I wanted to make love with her. Now here is where I know I messed up and should have worded my intentions not just a little bit better but much better. What I had meant to say and didn't know at the time was that i wanted to express my feelings for her and how I care more for her than i do almost anyone else that I can think of. Well she didn't really take it to well and said that I shouldn't look into what we did back then too deeply because we were just kids experimenting with our bodies and being kids. I tried to explain myself and say that it wasn't just something physical that I was looking for but at the time I didn't know how to word it because I didn't want to use love to describe how I felt for in fear that she would not understand. Well She had been wanting to use my computer to make cd's for herself and I had thought about having this whole date thing set up where we would watch a movie after she got all her songs that she wanted and afterwards I was going to tell her all about my feelings for her. Well after all of this she said that she didn't feel comfortable being around me alone and when she said this my heart literally sank. I thought that I had ruined a relationship with someone that I deeply cared for and it was my fault. Well at this time I had been going through some drug problems and that turned out to be my saving grace. Not too long after that I was confronted with my drug problem by my family and I ended up going to treatment. Since then I have smashed my habits and I can gladly say that it was all for the better. And as it happened so close to the incident with her I explained to her that I was on drugs and I was definitely not thinking strait. She agreed and everything went back to the way it was. I even kinda tricked myself into thinking that it had been the drugs that made me think I could get away with telling her she was hot. But it wasn't looking back I used my drug problem to help patch things up and return our relationship to where it was at least prior to me telling her. Well that was all during the summer and beginning of my senior year. Now I am 22 and have joined the Army because school just never fit me and I didn't like being in the same place I had been four years prior. Doing the same thing I was doing when I got out of high school and I just thought that I could do more with my life. Anyway during this period of time from high school to being in the Army now I had sparked up a relationship with a girl for about 2 years. And I Loved this girl very much. To the point that I was ready to marry her. However our lifestyles didn't quite cooperate in the sense that I liked to go out and get drunk or stoned. While she liked to do the same however she only liked to do it on occasions while I did it regularly. (weed is what I am referring to, the drugs that caused my first incident were way way worse and they have been put far behind me.) Anyway, during this relationship I can clearly remember thinking what if she was in my girlfriends position. It was hard to actually think about it because I had a feeling that she doesn't quite feel the same way I do. Either way, in the end I want to take her out on a date and make it as romantic as possible because I am going to ask her if she can at least hear me out and say what i need to say. I know that she is at least open-minded enough to here me all the way through however in the end the one thing that i do not want to have happen is a complete misunderstanding. I do not want her to think that I am doing this as a way of justifying the want to have sex with her. And its not about the sex. I could care less if we never did make love, I just hope that when I tell her how i feel, I can help her look at it from another point of view. Maybe even get her to forgo the whole family aspect of it. Because I’m pretty good at reading peoples emotions and every time I have seen her at a family birthday or some kind of gathering she has this sparkle in her eyes and I to this day find my self infatuated with her. She is really the only thing on Facebook that I look at to see what she's up to and honestly i don’t even do that very often.
Well thats my story about the most beautiful girl that has honestly made my jaw drop. I will eventually tell her how I feel and I will take her on that date that was supposed to be as romantic as possible. When it is all done I will ask for one more thing. And that thing is to be a kiss. However not the kiss that a cousin gives another on the cheek or forehead; a kiss that takes both of us away to a place that Family bonds and societal codes of conduct are gone. I hope she will see that at least for one moment I do truly love her and have always loved her for my entire life and will continue to love her regardless of the circumstances or the pains of guilt.
P.S. Her name is Amanda