I Miss Him So Much!

When I was 8 yrs old we traveled to my Mommom's for a funeral. There I met an amazing boy. There was a bed in the basement & we were sitting on it tickling each other & pushing each other. None of the parents had introduced us, just told us to go downstairs & play. I can still remember our eyes meeting & the electricity between us. As we giggled & flirted his older sister said ummm you do know that your related. I said nu uh! She said yes, I'm not sure exactly how but you are. I looked at him & I thought to myself I DON"T CARE! He felt the same way. Soo we left & were going for a drive in the pickup truck. The little ones were in the front so they let Ryan & me sit in the back. We had to sit close to the window so my dad felt safe about it & I can still feel Ryans arm around me holding me close. Then he grabbed my other hand & we held hands the whole time. It was our little secret. Later that night he told me I was cute & I felt my heart soar. We went home & it would be a few years before I would see him again. The next time we met I was 10 & he was 12. He didn't pay much attention to me & I thought for sure he had lost interest. The next time we would meet up was when I was 12 & my Mommom was sick with cancer. She was dying. I went to stay with her for a few weeks & I stole all the pics of Ryan from her frames. She eventually confronted me & said now why is it that you to are always taking each others pictures. I couldnt believe that he wanted my pictures to. When my Mommom wound up in the hospital my cuz came down with his dad. His dad & my mom are half brother & sister so he is my half first cousin. In the hospital we would try to get as far from the adults as we could. One day when they found us in some far away waiting room they joked about sending out a search party. My cuz & I locked eyes. If they only knew. We were always on the same page. We sat in the hospital stairways & shared our lives with one another. Tears in Heaven came on once & he asked me to dance with him. Locked together in each others arms, oblivious to the cold stairwell he told me this song would always bring me to him. Later he started testing me to see if I was really ready for all this. He stood right in front of me so close I could breath his air. He asked me if I was uncomfortable. I shook my head. He started to walk forward slowly pushing me back until I was against the wall. He then pressed his lips to mine in the quickest peck. As he pushed away from me angry with himself, saying he shouldnt be doing this, shouldnt be wanting to do this. I reassured him it was ok but he would only hold me in his arms. The next night my uncle gave us money & said walk to that McDonalds & get something to eat. As we walked we held hands & I felt so safe with him. He told me he was worried someone might run up & ****** me away & there was nothing he could do about it. I laughed & said he was silly, nothing would happen. He started talking about how life can change in an instant & theres no way to change it back. Now I know what he was talking about but at the time his words were lost on such a young, naive mind. We parted ways but I was in love. There was no changing my feelings. After my Mommom passed away I wasn't allowed at her funeral cause my parents thought it would be to traumatic so I missed seeing my cuz. My mom made one attempt to continue a relationship with her brother & she took us all down to stay with them for a weekend. It was one of the funnest weekends of my life. I had my whole life ahead of me & the love in my heart could have made it burst right out of my chest. We went fishing on my uncles boat & I was catching them like there was no tommorrow. Each time I hooked one my cuz would come up behind me & help me reel it in. Later he joked that he was thankful I was a natural. I was thanking God myself. My uncle told me that my cuz had just dumped his girlfriend a few days before we got there. My cuz didnt want him talking to me about it & I knew why. I didn't want to know but it also hit home that he left her so he could be with me. We went to the mall to see where his sister worked & once again we walked around holding hands. When we got near her store he let go & we went in to say Hi. After we left we werent down very far before he took my hand again & that may be the reason we are not together today. I think his sister may have spotted us acting as a couple & told my uncle. We had made plans that we were going to go skinny dipping at the neighbors house who was away on vacation. I agreed but he told me if your not going to actually go skinny dipping with me then dont come at all. I told him he needn't worry about that. I was more then ready to give him my virginity on a silver platter. That night we were watching a movie, sitting on different couches but we were both on the edge of our couch as close as we could get without looking totally obvious. I'm sure when I think back now that everyone could see we were in love. I was 15 & he was 17. My uncle came into the room & he said Ryan lets go to bed. We shot each other a frantic look because Ryan always slept on the couch when we were visiting. As he walked up the steps to his dads room his eyes didn't leave mine & I could see the sadness swimming in them. The next morning he had to go to summer school so he was getting ready for his friend to pick him up. We would be leaving after him. I sat outside with him & I teased him Oh yeah you never  came to get me last night. He said My dad actually locked me in the room., he must know somethings up. I asked if he had told him & he said NO WAY! Never would I tell him if I ever want to see you again. We hugged said our goodbyes & that was the last time I saw him. We have tried numerous times to reconnect with my uncle but he blows us off time & time again. My mom gave up trying years ago. My uncle did call once when I was 17 to pass on the news that Ryan had married a woman in the military after only knowing her for 3 months. They are still together today & have 2 beautiful children. I was crushed for a long time but then I decided he had moved on & I would to. I cant just put my life on hold & I refused to try & break up his marriage. this is the choice he made. So now I am 28 yrs old & even though I said I would move on its another matter for the heart to move on. He is the only man I ever have or ever will be faithful to & we never even slept together but every night in my dreams he is the man I am with, The man who holds my heart. I am happily married with a gorgeous son but I still long for the life I'll never live. I still wonder if he knew how much this has tormented me what he would think. I wonder if I should tell him, if he has a right to know that I have spent my entire life pinning after him. I have tried to contact him through my uncle but of course that is a dead end. He wont tell me his address even to send a simple Christmas card & he certainly would never give me his phone number. I thought maybe once I was married things would change but he still acts as though I am to be avoided at all costs. I just wish I could see my cousin one more time so he would know he is the love of my life. I have written a book so I'll go now but thanks so much for reading.
Shiver Shiver
26-30, F
25 Responses Nov 17, 2006

I do understand your plight, and I thoroughly empathize with you. Jesus, how painful this must be for you. If you haven’t found him yet, you may be able to do so now on Facebook or Twitter. Find him, at all cost and tell him exactly how you feel. Happiness is priceless my friend. Life and Father Time both have very funny ways of cleaning and tying up loose ends, and righting decade old wrongs. Don't wait until he's dead as that's a baggage you'll have to struggle with until you're dead yourself.
I too am very much in love with my cousin and have been for a great many of years. We were always very close growing up and always, always, always enjoyed each other's company very much as children. She's my uncle's granddaughter (by my father's side; my cousin's eldest child) and are separated by three years (I'm older). Way back in the days my mom was a member of his church; he was a deacon, and of course she would usually take me with her. We were always VERY happy to see each other and used all available time to be together. As we grew older through our teenage years, our visits and contacts grew increasingly fewer, but the crush I had on her never really diminished. Though I positively knew how I felt for her, with a very heavy thumping of my heart whenever she comes to mind (happening right now), and wanting to hold her in my arms and kiss the living daylights out of her, I never let her knew this as I didn't want to risk the closeness on a wild card that she wasn't into me like that.
I went away to military school when I was nineteen years old, met and became interested in other girls. During my tenure in the army, some colleagues and I paid her a visit at her home (she was still living with my uncle), and the feelings resurfaced as sharp and new like the last day I saw her. We maintained some levels of contact mainly through family events, but somehow we lost each other again.
I got out of the army and settled in a different state as I readjusted to civilian life. I began dating a young lady who would later become my wife. During the engagement and preparation for marriage (in my mid twenties), she resurfaced and called me on my cell phone having tracked me down. I remember that extremely lengthy conversation as it is forever etched in my memory. All I know we were EXTREMELY happy to have found each other again and she told me she heard that I was getting married. Having confirmed this, she seems very impatient and told me she had something to tell me. My heart sprinted as I became desirous of not losing her again without letting her know this time how I felt. I told her that I too had something to tell her, and we were like kids again; happy and excited. She started off weird and my heart was thumping so loud I couldn't hear some of the ramblings until she asked if I have ever felt attracted to someone who I shouldn't be. Before the words were out of her mouth, the words “you, it has always been you” raced out of mine in a very low tone. She stopped and asked me to repeat. I sighed and started talking but she cut me off and pleaded for me to repeat what I had said. I sighed and repeated, and she chipped right on in mirroring the feelings, which was like music to my soul as it was evident that we were madly in love with each other. By this time the wedding invites were done and sent out with confirmation of attendees coming in. I sensed trouble but my heart was passionately ablaze.
I had to see her, so we made plans to link up at my parents whom I suddenly needed to visit, minus my fiancé of course. She came over, and despite the house having other family members, it’s was as if no one else was there, just the two of us (my heart’s thumping heavily again). In my old room, we locked the door and retired to bed reasonably early without drawing an ounce of suspicion from anyone as we were always close like peas in a pod. There was no bed in the room, but the carpet sufficed. Wow o-h wow, we made love like our lives depended on it, quenching years of thirst for each other! Going on and on for hours as the passion flowed untapped. When we eventually managed to sleep, we cuddled and held onto each other willing day not to light. One day turned into three, as we made created life long memories.
Somewhere at the end of the three days, she blissfully conveyed her feelings and divulge a bit of the experience to my niece (by my mom side) who shared it with my sister who shared it with my parents.......and there overturned the proverbial can of beans, with even my fiancé getting wind of it. That added to the fact that she was adamant to have me all to herself, resulted in her issuing me an ultimatum: her or my fiancé. I tried explaining that the process was too far gone to just derail it like that but she would have none of it. Suffice to say we had a fall out, my fiancé forgave me and we went ahead with the marriage which bore two kids. Naturally we lost contact again as we went our separate ways living our lives.
Contact was reestablished at one of my uncle's funeral when we saw each other after years of separation. Reluctantly we spoke but very briefly afterwards we reconnected despite the watchful eyes of my sister and other members of my family. She introduced me to her kids, the eldest of which was conceived as an act of revenge when she got involved with a nephew of mine (by my mom side) and bore a child for him. When I heard I was angry with her as I never know she would have stooped that low. At times I can't help but to wish that that child was ours instead of theirs. They never lasted long though and always seem to be at each other’s throats, even to this blessed day.
I was devastated especially as my marriage had fallen apart and I begun seeing another young lady who we ended up living together. We; my cousin and I, argued very frequently about the paths we allowed our lives to take, however we remained in touch (this time in my mid thirties).
One weekend when my girl was scheduled to be away on business we arranged it and she happily rode the bus over to my neck of the woods. We dived into each other releasing all our bridled passions, making love as it’s our very first time; on the bed, in the shower, on the floor, kitchen counter, everywhere! The only drawback was that I was relatively new to the job and had to pull some long shifts so I didn't get to come home early to spend the quality times I wanted to with her, but it was a good weekend though, the end of which she went back home pregnant. She aborted as she wasn't prepared to raise our child by herself and without my support in the ways she needed it. Of the things we learnt this time was that we are soul mates and that no matter what, absolutely no one but the two of us can ever really make the other happy and fulfilled. She confessed that she never allowed herself to hold down any long term relationships as I am the only man she ever really loved and anyone who comes along will always fail as her heart belongs to me. Truth be told, it’s the very same issues I am having as my cousin is my first and one true love. All others fail in their comparison to her as none can make me feel so alive like her.
Anyway, my girlfriend got back and found hair in the shower so I told her my cousin came down. She and my sister spoke and she told her that my cousin came down and spent the weekend while she was away. My sister and I got into it and she told her of our incestuous past which again made matters worse. Sometime afterwards my girlfriend broke up. Somehow I think my cousin felt responsible for the break up
A part of my cousin's problem is that she is somewhat timid and isn't a hundred percent willing to come out of the closet. So here I am in another relationship which I know isn't going very far as I am not with my one and only true love. We are both in our forties and up to a minute ago when I came off the phone with her, we are still crazy in love with each other.

wow this litterly made me cry becuz this stuff does happen i am about to turn 18 about 3 or 4 months ago i met one of my cusins from mexico threw fb i live in nevada btw n e ways we started chattin as cusin his 22 yrs old it started as a game thAt i would b his fake gf just until he found a gf but he fell in love with me for reelz n now i am deeply in love with him too i havent even met him his my dads cusins(girl) son but i feel i am deeply in love n he is too idk wat i will do if we ever brake up n noone in my family knows im planing to be with him wen i go to mexico

if it will bring closure to this chapter then go for it...best of luck!

what the hell is wrong with your uncle???????????????

i hope this doesn't happen to me that is really sad!

I feel so much love for you . You see I am married to my first cousin and have been for 30 years. She is the bet thing to ever happen to me and I am now 57 soon to be 58. I loved her when she was only 5 and I was 10 but did not know it . I always wanted a sister and she fit the bill at the time. She and her Family came to visit me my family and I when she was 13 and I was 18 it was love at first sight. She was so shy and on sure of us and I was shy also. I got married and had 2 children when my wife up and left me I was over seas and couldn't do anything about it. I was so very depressed. then out of the blue a got a letter from my cousin and it was to tell me our grandpa had past. I was depressed before but this really angered me and depressed me more. I wrote back screaming at her how thoughtless her family was to not let me know my grandpa was ill. and so on. This got a response back from her and we became pen pals. She kept me sane while I was over seas and when I got home I looked her and her family up. Her younger sister seduced me the first night I was there. Not had to do with a sailor that has'nt been home in a year lol. Any way that was a lust relationship and My wife and I went out and talked and pretty much enjoyed each others company. Then one evening I kissed her forehead and she laid on on me that floored me. After that there was no turning back. I told her sister I really enjoyed the sex we had together but that my wife was the one for me. She understood and to this day my wife doesn't know about her sister and I. My wife treated me like a king and she still does and I had no ideal that love could be so beautifulwe dated for almost a year and we went through the guilt trip about being cousins and so on. We went to our pastor and asked him if we were wrong and he resurched it and talked to a couple of his seminary school professors and no one could see it as a sin. he gave us his and the churhes blessing. Then we had to break it to the family wow that was hard and strange. However we were both adults me 25 and her 20 so it didn't matter what the family thought . My mother accepted it and her family accpted it with open arms. we were married afew months later. it was strange I was born and raised in Florida and she was born and raised in New York and we got married in California. All 3 states approve of first cousin marriage. Funny how God works. I think you need to find your cousin and let him know what he means to you. You don't have to throw away your marriage and he doesn't have to his. Just knowing that your there for each other will make a world of difference. Take from one who knows. all the best.

I understand how you feel, no matter who is sleeping next to you, the one that you longed to be with you, to sleep next to you, to hold you tight, to comfort you when you're having a nightmare is him.<br />
But i can't bring myself to confess, cause when that time comes, the moment i admit my feelings is the moment i must deny my wish. <br />
No matter what choice that i chose, it's a lose-lose situation.<br />
<br />
But i do hope you could find a way, somehow, to find your happiness, whether you'd find it by confessing to him or not. Just remember that you're entitled to reach for your own happiness and no one can prevent you from being happy!!!!

Hey, I'm really touch reading your story, Well I also love my cousin But I never told her and maybe I'll never tell her.. but you thought me a very strong lesson. that life has to move on.<br />
I don't know I'll ever get her or even get a chance to tell her. but my life has to move on n I've made a disscion that I'll not get married if not for her..

I can totally relate to your story. You have to know that you are still in your cousin's heart...that will NEVER go away. I hope you find him, if you haven't already since you've written this. Good luck...keep the faith that you will one day see him again to tell him how you feel. Keep us posted.

Wow see thats what I fear If I give up on my love I would be wondering and wanting him even more I'm so in love with my cousin and I have the chance to be with him and I'm putting up a fight to stay with him I just hope we make it thru all the drama....I hope and pray you do get to see him so you can let you heart say what needs to be said and you may feel peace...if you havent already.

Reading all of these stories a out people who are married but r in love with other people makes me a<br />
scared to get married because it seems to me that if both of aren't each others first love then you don't really love each other with all your heart and that as soon as one of you gets a chance to be with the person you first loved that you will cheat on your spouse the first time you get this scares me and don't believe in marriage as it seems to me both of the people just decided to get married just to do it but even though they may love each other they will never love eachother as much as there first love and this makes me sad and angry at the smae time I just hope that I will be lucky enough to marry my first love but I don't think I'm hers well I'm starting to love my 2nd cousin as much as my first love maybe even more I guess I'm just to young and immature about tis stuff but I feel like I don't god I just want someone to love and tolove me back forever but then again I find it hard to believe in that sort of fairy tale but I still have some hope Nyway sorry bout your story and I wish you the best

I can emphasize with your pain, the heart never seems to forget does it? Is your book out yet? What is the title?

this story is so .. familiar in the strangest way. you should somehow contact your cousin, if for no other reason then to see him. <br />
if you see him and he's still the only man of your heart, then you MUST tell him. but if you see him and your heart doesn't flutter, and all you see is your cousin, then there's no point.<br />
but be clear that you understand the decisions you both have made. afterall, you're both adults now, half way through your life. if you're both still in love, you're only half related, and not directly half related either. and you both have the right to be with the one person you both truly love. <br />
but of course, that's just me

thats a sad story your true love only in ones life time and you cant help who you fall in love with i fell in love with a 65 year but it didnt work out so i hope you find himm good luck and wish you the best

hi , love is wonderful. this is now to be shared and bestowed upon your family. in doing so your heart will heal and grow,when you meet again and i believe you will, you will be able to love him and his family as he also will love you and your family. more people , more love, God bless you and your house hold.

I know that being in love with one's cousin isn't typically socially acceptable, but what the hell? I'm Pagan. I could give a lesser **** about what's "socially acceptable". I mean, at least it was your cousin and not your brother, right? ^_^ LoL<br />
<br />
Your story was absolutely lovely and definitely a tugger on the heartstrings :'-) And I have to agree with Spitshinecumfy: Get a Facebook, but also DEFINITELY get a MySpace! Practically EVERYONE is on MySpace nowadays and who knows? Perhaps he's trying to find you too. Maybe he's in the same boat as you are: married yes, but hasn't forgotten you.

Thank you for sharing your story. I too, almost cried. It helped me forget what I'm going through here at home. Find him, go to him, tell him everything. <br />
<br />
Good luck,<br />
Coleen

to other comments<br />
she loves him so she cant let herself to destroy his life

its not an experience actually its a pain <br />
a pain that i have felt it and i know exactly how you feel I'm in the same position too i love her and by some reasons she don't even know that <br />
we are not even friends <br />
i tried so hard to forget her but i cant every single month i see her in my dreams <br />
i cant have a girlfriend i tried many times and i really don't like to be with anyone but her <br />
now after 5 years I'm alone and there is no place for love in my heart any more

WOOOOWW!!!! irlly hve nothing to say imean WOOOWW!!!!....=(((!!!<br />
but honestly when u love sm1 like dat imean ffs!!! u were 8 n u still love d guy!! ...wtf r u doin here !!?!?!?! GOO FIND D DUDE!!!...how d u even know hes over u? mayb he was trying to get over u or mshtin mayb he still loves u ...ull never hve closure untill u find him

I agree with everyone else: YOU LOVE HIM! GO FIND HIM, WHATEVER IT TAKES! I really hope you do, good luck. :)

That is such a sad story :<br />
Wow, I can't believe this.. <br />
<br />
my advice: get facebook and find him... :]

This is the cutest, most amazing thing I have ever read...

Thats really sad :( i nearly cried.<br />
I Hope your heart decides that its time to give up, and you live happily ever after.<br />
O rmaybe that your uncle will accept it for what it is??<br />
Goodluck anyway... i hope to read your book.. it would be the first real book for me to read lol.<br />
xx

Wow... this sounds like a movie... the kind where you need to bring tissues. It sounds like you've got a wonderful life now but that you will always wonder what it would have been like the other way... I have first loves like that too...