I Have A Crush On My Cousin

I've known my cousin since I was a toddler and I've had a crush on him ever since I learned what love was. He was the first crush I ever had. We would see each other on Christmas, Thanksgiving, the annual summer get together for my mom's side of the family and the occasional other family event, like a baptism or a funeral. But that was never enough. I'd longingly look forward to each time we would see each other and then it would quickly come and pass and I would already be looking forward to another. I used to see him a lot more as a kid than I do now. My mother died a year ago and without her enthusiasm for family gatherings, everyone in the family but me usually wanted to skip events or leave early. A lot of the time during these events the teenage or young adult cousins would form a group and we would talk about music and sometimes other things.

I feel terrible and strange writing about this, but I would undoubtedly say it is my deepest, darkest secret and I have never told anyone about it especially him.

I am now 20 (in university) and he is now 17 (in high school). I have never been in any kind of relationship before and I am a virgin. My first and only kiss was with one of my childhood neighbours when I was in grade school and I barely remember it. In all honesty I think I am afraid of love. I am a shy, quiet person so revealing my feelings to anyone is hard for me. I find it hard enough just meeting new people and making friends.

I have had many, many crushes after him, but obviously none of them have been more than a crush. I wanted to at least get close to these crushes but usually I was too shy and none of them were much more than acquaintances. However, I feel like my cousin and I are actually friends. We laugh at each other's jokes harder than anyone else's and we have a lot in common. Even arguing is fun. I love spending time with him. A couple times when it was just me and one of my crushes from school, walking home together, I was almost at a loss for words and it was hard to find anything to say to them. It was just horribly awkward and kind of boring. I've admired them from afar more than anything. At the time I thought it was just the fact that they were my crushes and I was nervous, but with my cousin I can almost always find something to say.

I don't think he likes me back as more than a friend and even if he did, he most likely would think me being in love with him is disgusting and wrong. His father is strict, and although not christian, quite conservative. One thing I noticed over the years was that my other cousins would often make fun of us and say we are boyfriend and girlfriend when we did not provide ANY evidence of this whatsoever. Although I think that is because I was the only girl cousin on that side of the family (until my little toddler cousin was born recently!).

In my opinion, cousins should be allowed to be in relationships with each other and even marry if they want to. Brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, parents, twins and grandparents, however, I don't think should be in relationships with each other. If not for the age difference, they are too close and that seems wrong to me. Not to mention the genetic problems with children are much more likely with a brother and sister than two cousins. I have done a lot of reading on this subject online and I found out:

1. Cousin marriage is allowed and encouraged in many countries outside of the US and Canada
2. 10% of marriages worldwide are cousin marriages.
3. Most scholars say that genetic disorders in children of cousin marriages are not that much more likely to occur than in regular marriages.
4. Apparently 80% of all marriages in history were second cousins or closer.
5. Charles Darwin married his cousin (and his grandparents were cousins), Queen Victoria and Prince Albert were cousins. Other famous cousin-lovers: Edgar Allen Poe, Einstein, Franklin D. Roosevelt, literally all royalty (even modern royalty), J.S. Bach, Edvard Grieg, Jesse James, Thomas Jefferson, John A. MacDonald, the inventor of Morse code, Rachmaninov, Darius Milhaud, Igor Stravinsky. These are some of the most intelligent people in history. Aren't they disgusting?
6. Banned in many of the U.S. States, but not New York or California (the only states that really matter)
7. Extremely popular in the Middle East (half of marriages).

I don't know whether I disagree with cousins having children, but I think if they don't want to have children there is no reason for them not to be together. I never want to have children so I think a cousin marriage would work for me.

The fact that people think cousin marriage is freakish and disgusting and that they ridicule and exclude this group of people to me is discrimination and others have called it discrimination as well.

I'm not planning on telling anyone about this anytime soon, but this is my story and my opinion on the issue.

Thanks for hearing me.
hedonistichermit hedonistichermit
26-30, F
11 Responses Oct 21, 2011

Your story is so similar to mine, I wish I knew then what I know now

Oh of course you should get to be with your cousin... But uncles are "too close" and so are siblings and grandparents and twins .... You're a ******* hypocrite. -_-

I fantasize about my cousin a lot I love when I sleep over

Nicely written. I wonder if is there an updated.

Yeah this is my life p. much. It's strikingly similar. Intimacy is weird and awkward for me unless there's some kind of emotional bond first which makes no sense to most people, b/c usually emotional intimacy, in the US esp, is very limited. I can be uninhibited in that sense but of course most people get all weirded out by it, so I end up feeling scared to open up and super-duper gun shy.

I crush on cousins. I don't know why but it's happened a bunch of times. (Note: It was never first cousins. I'm Indian so first cousins are thought of as siblings and when I talk about my second cousins, thats 30-odd people. Yeah, I know.) It happened 3 times when I was a kid, my first kiss was actually with someone I didn't know was my cousin, go figure. I also realized I was bi so that of course helped me feel less isolated *sarcasm*. I used to feel really ashamed of it a lot like you but over time I've realized that our emotions and desires were never something to control or be controlled, but understood.

Anyway, the last time I ever felt any sort of attraction to a cousin was over the summer. I had stayed at my Uncle's house in the Bronx and his daughter was just starting college while I was a Senior. Now though, I understand it a little better and don't feel the same degree of awkwardness and shame.

I was brought up by a loving, understanding mother who was eventually chased away by an abusive, narcissistic father when I was 8 and I lived under his roof until I turned 18. He was the kind of parent who would make you feel ashamed to have any sort of connection to anyone he had no control over and make self-acceptance and self-love an act of defiance against him. At the same time, he was so emotionally absent and cold. Ever seen The Waterboy? Mama Boucher was my dad except less obvious. So I figure that I probably developed this maybe as a coping mechanism to find the intimacy that was missing in that parental relationship. It's possible that this is your case too and you might not even be aware of it, as I wasn't. Of course, that doesn't mean you'd be bad or broken for crushing on your cousin but your struggles with shyness and such could have something to do with that.

I really want to break out of that inhibition and shyness b/c deep down I'm all sorts of touchy-feely and I'm just now trying to find ways but it's difficult. I'm considering seeing a sex therapist or going to one of those cuddle parties to kind of "normalize" and find self-acceptance (note: sex therapy is a misnomer, it deals with intimacy in general). It would actually be interesting if a case study was done with all of us as subjects. I think we'd get a lot of insight into how intimacy works but society is prolly too squicky and conservative for that kinda stuff. It's been a minute tho so hopefully things turned out alright for you.

But yeah, that's my story, feel free to pm if you have a question or something. I feel kinda embarrassed posting this long of a reply but whatev, it's the Internet.

So did you get your crush?

I have the same story. Except I'm a guy and I see my female cousin often. I've been trying to reject this feeling because it is socially frowned upon. But recently through text she kind of figured out how I feel. She emphasized the fact that we are cousins and I should keep it that way. Like you I'm reserved, shy and quiet. However, I plan on telling her how I feel because if I don't I feel I'm going to regret itfor the rest of my life. I'm already regretting it now. I realize this is wrong but I decided to not be ashamed of my feelings. If you can give any advice I'd gladly take them and I'll try to answer any questions you got too^^

How did it go? Any updates?

Hey, very nice post. My name's Sky and I just happened to google, "I have a crush on my cousin" I am 17 and I think I may have fallen in love. I haven't seen him in little over a year but recently my minds been racing with thoughts of him :/ even when my boyfriend and I have sex I think of him. He lives in California.. I AM going to tell him hopefully this summer... I'm so scared.. a part of me feels like he may like me. As 12 and 13 year olds when we lived together he would playfully touch me. Like my butt and breasts and I'd be lying if I told you I didn't like it. I'm so nervous.

No offence to you, maybe it is a healthy relationship, but it seems a bit strange that he would basically touch you sexually at such a young age. I've heard that sexual things like that at such a young age can be traumatic whether it was consensual or not. I could be wrong though.

All the best, though, and thank you for sharing. Good luck with telling him. I probably won't tell my crush, just because he's dating someone and I don't want to face the discrimination that would come with trying to date your cousin.

nicely put. its hit or miss ive come to find out about cousin relationships, i havent seen anyone here in as quite as long as a relationship (or can claim to) as i have. although secret, ive managed to keep a romantic relationship wit a cousin secret from the world for some years now. like all couples we have our ups and downs but thankful for EP to let me know im not the only one and encourage me to encourage others no matter how serious or how involved since noone was or is there to support me thru this and we're doing it alone. keep your head up and hope to hear more :)

Well I hope things work out for you hedon...wish they did for me, or hopefully will anyway.

I have to agree with you in this one...when I was in my last year of high school, I was very much in love with my 1st cousin and she with me. She was 2 years older but it didn't matter to us at all. We dated for a few years and we had planed to marry. However, she was in college and I was not- I would visit every weekend- but....out of sight, out of mind...such was not to be for us. I still think about her and how things would have been for us. Our mothers were sisters- I don't believe my mom would have had a problem with it, but her mom would have had a fit!! So we kept our feelings to ourselves. She ended up marrying and moving away...I saw her about 2 years later and I don't think she was happy. It has been over 30 years and I have not seen her in all that time- I'm married and very happy with my wife and family-- still...what if........

That is very sad.

This is very sad

Im sorry, im glad you're happy