I Have A Crush On My Cousin

I've known my cousin since I was a toddler and I've had a crush on him ever since I learned what love was. He was the first crush I ever had. We would see each other on Christmas, Thanksgiving, the annual summer get together for my mom's side of the family and the occasional other family event, like a baptism or a funeral. But that was never enough. I'd longingly look forward to each time we would see each other and then it would quickly come and pass and I would already be looking forward to another. I used to see him a lot more as a kid than I do now. My mother died a year ago and without her enthusiasm for family gatherings, everyone in the family but me usually wanted to skip events or leave early. A lot of the time during these events the teenage or young adult cousins would form a group and we would talk about music and sometimes other things.

I feel terrible and strange writing about this, but I would undoubtedly say it is my deepest, darkest secret and I have never told anyone about it especially him.

I am now 20 (in university) and he is now 17 (in high school). I have never been in any kind of relationship before and I am a virgin. My first and only kiss was with one of my childhood neighbours when I was in grade school and I barely remember it. In all honesty I think I am afraid of love. I am a shy, quiet person so revealing my feelings to anyone is hard for me. I find it hard enough just meeting new people and making friends.

I have had many, many crushes after him, but obviously none of them have been more than a crush. I wanted to at least get close to these crushes but usually I was too shy and none of them were much more than acquaintances. However, I feel like my cousin and I are actually friends. We laugh at each other's jokes harder than anyone else's and we have a lot in common. Even arguing is fun. I love spending time with him. A couple times when it was just me and one of my crushes from school, walking home together, I was almost at a loss for words and it was hard to find anything to say to them. It was just horribly awkward and kind of boring. I've admired them from afar more than anything. At the time I thought it was just the fact that they were my crushes and I was nervous, but with my cousin I can almost always find something to say.

I don't think he likes me back as more than a friend and even if he did, he most likely would think me being in love with him is disgusting and wrong. His father is strict, and although not christian, quite conservative. One thing I noticed over the years was that my other cousins would often make fun of us and say we are boyfriend and girlfriend when we did not provide ANY evidence of this whatsoever. Although I think that is because I was the only girl cousin on that side of the family (until my little toddler cousin was born recently!).

In my opinion, cousins should be allowed to be in relationships with each other and even marry if they want to. Brothers, sisters, uncles, aunts, parents, twins and grandparents, however, I don't think should be in relationships with each other. If not for the age difference, they are too close and that seems wrong to me. Not to mention the genetic problems with children are much more likely with a brother and sister than two cousins. I have done a lot of reading on this subject online and I found out:

1. Cousin marriage is allowed and encouraged in many countries outside of the US and Canada
2. 10% of marriages worldwide are cousin marriages.
3. Most scholars say that genetic disorders in children of cousin marriages are not that much more likely to occur than in regular marriages.
4. Apparently 80% of all marriages in history were second cousins or closer.
5. Charles Darwin married his cousin (and his grandparents were cousins), Queen Victoria and Prince Albert were cousins. Other famous cousin-lovers: Edgar Allen Poe, Einstein, Franklin D. Roosevelt, literally all royalty (even modern royalty), J.S. Bach, Edvard Grieg, Jesse James, Thomas Jefferson, John A. MacDonald, the inventor of Morse code, Rachmaninov, Darius Milhaud, Igor Stravinsky. These are some of the most intelligent people in history. Aren't they disgusting?
6. Banned in many of the U.S. States, but not New York or California (the only states that really matter)
7. Extremely popular in the Middle East (half of marriages).

I don't know whether I disagree with cousins having children, but I think if they don't want to have children there is no reason for them not to be together. I never want to have children so I think a cousin marriage would work for me.

The fact that people think cousin marriage is freakish and disgusting and that they ridicule and exclude this group of people to me is discrimination and others have called it discrimination as well.

I'm not planning on telling anyone about this anytime soon, but this is my story and my opinion on the issue.

Thanks for hearing me.