Well I Told Him...
Remember how I was going to tell my cousin that I love him on Christmas eve? Well I did. It surprising went well. Unfortunately, I have some bad news. He doesn't feel the same way. Of course I am heart broken. But I'm surprised he acted the way he did.
I was expecting him to act immaturely about it but he was very mature about it.
When I told him, I got him alone where none of my family could hear me. I was shaking really bad because I was nervous. So I started to say: "What I'm about to say will change our relationship forever. I cant believe I'm telling you this. I keep having these dreams and they just wont go away. I had these feelings since I was 12 years old."
At this point, I was crying. He kept saying: "Its ok. You can tell me. You can tell me."
Then I finally said, "I love you. I love you. I love you more than anything in this entire world. I tried to push these feelings away but they just wouldn't go away. I know its not right because we are cousins. Then I been miserable lately. You just wont get out of my head. I'm sorry I told you." I cried harder. and he was like: "Its okay! Come here." And he started to hug me. I never wanted to let go of him.
Then when we let go I said, "I thought you felt the same way..." And he looked down and was like "Uh.." And I said, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry!" Then I started to cry more and more. He hugged me again. I just cried into his shoulder. I never wanted to let go of him. It felt so right hugging him. I had this temptation to kiss him, but I let go before I did.
I continued by saying, "The dreams I had, haunted me at night and during the day. I kept having day dreams. I was afraid to go to sleep at night because I knew I would be having a dream."
He said to me, "Its understandable that you feel this way. I mean we are so close."
I cut him off by saying, "You dont think I'm a freak?"
He shook his head, "Of course not."
This time I hugged him, and of course I cried again. And he said when I was hugging him, "I understand. I understand."
But he doesn't feel the same way. I'm upset. I'm not going to let it bother me because I don't think I cant handle something ruining me again. I just hope I didn't let things ruin things more between us.
Personally, I will always love him. When I'm dating a guy, when I marry a guy, when I have kids, when I'm at an old age, I will always love my cousin.
Christmas eve made me fall for him more because he was mature about it and his voice and eyes were soft and filled with concerned for me. I know he worries about me.
Sorry, endless story. I wish he felt the same way. Maybe one day he will? I hope.