I Love My Cousin
My cousin and i met 3 years ago (he was 14 and i was 16) and there was an immediate attraction. Then i heard those four dreaded words... This is your cousin... Anyway we hit it off pretty well. I had been learning to play the guitar and upon discovering this he offered to show me a few things. At that point I didn't have time to so i invited him to come over the next day so he could teach me a few things. He came over and brought his guitar with him. I got mine out and he started to play... When i asked him to show me something he scooted closer and showed me the part slower. When he finished he looked up to see if I'd gotten it. I had been concentrating on the song. When i looked up from his hands our eyes locked and everyone knows how that goes... I recognized the pull i felt immediately and noticed it in his eyes as well. We broke our gaze and continued playing but i would catch him looking at me every so often and i he caught me doing the same.
We didn't see each other much after that until about a year ago. We were in the same school now and we had a very good friendship. We became pretty close and when i started dating his friend we became closer. I would hug him every time I saw him and if i didn't then he'd hug me. I remember being at a football game and my hands were freezing. We were facing each other and he put my hands in between his to keep them warm. No one thought anything of it because we were related and we had both pushed our feelings of attraction out of our mind but every now and then I'd catch myself looking at him and the feelings would pop up. Every now and then we'd lock eyes too, if only for a split second, and i knew he could see the way i felt in my eyes just like i saw it in his But we always ignored it.
He's always been very shy with girls and I've never know why. He's got great muscle tone, a handsome face, blondish red hair, a great sense of humor and an amazing talent. I guess i got to see all that since he didn't have a reason to be shy around me. Anyway his friend and i broke up a few months ago and we don't really talk anymore and i went back to my ex-fiance which now i realize isn't going to work. And then my grandpa (his great-uncle) was hospitalized for a week and passed away. It was devastating for me and the ex who i was back with was extremely inconsiderate of my pain. (all this has happened about a month ago)
The day before the viewing my cousin and friend (who's parent's my cousin has been living with) came by to drop off some groceries. He was left there while the other guy went to go do some things so we hung out and talked which we hadn't really done alone since the guitar lesson. At one point we were out in my car talking and he was explaining that no girls were interested in him and i remember thinking I AM. Of course i didn't say it out loud, but then i told him that it was only a matter of time before they realized what they were missing out on and then i told him not to take it wrong but if he weren't my cousin I'd definitely consider dating him. He looked at me and told me "don't take this wrong but... i wish you weren't my cousin." I AGREE i thought to myself.
Then before the funeral started i remember seeing him and though i was by my boyfriend the only thing i wanted to do was be in his arms. I wanted to be near him and finally sat down between him and his brother and having him close helped ease the pain.
A couple of weeks after the funeral I decided to drop off the Thank You card, for the place he lived, personally. I had know the people and even stayed there a while myself a few years before. I came in and talked for a while with the woman. Then my cousin walked into the living room and i started talking to him. I ended up going to his room and we talked more. I ended up offering him advice in the women's department and some how it led to me demonstrating a couple things that got him a little "bothered."
Then I started explaining a kissing technique and he said that he didn't think he'd like it. I kept insisting he would but he wouldn't give in. At first I said I couldn't do it cuz, well the obvious... Then i told him that if he kept arguing about how he wouldn't like it and couldn't imagine letting anyone do it, i was going to do it to prove that he would. He got quiet for a few minutes then said again that he couldn't imagine liking it...
Well it was close to time for me to leave (I'd planned to be there an hour and stayed 5). I told him i was about to go and asked me to wait. He was like "OK let's do this." Then he changed his mind when i walked over to him. So I started to leave again and he asked if he was being a wuss (he'd only kissed 2 people and only one was french and it wasn't a real kiss either). I told him no. As i started to leave but stopped because he said he was being one. I went up to him. He sat up straighter and i leaned in and gently kissed him. It was only a demonstration but i felt the tip of his tongue brush lightly against my lower lip and new i had to stop or i wouldn't be able to.
It lasted all of two seconds but i couldn't get it out of my head. We text for the longest after that And i took him to hang out the next weekend. We talked about a lot and finally admitted our thoughts feelings day dreams and dilemmas that night. I went back to his house, watched a movie and teased him some but nothing happened. His friend came home and watched the movie with us. My cousin and I layed on the couch while he sat in the recliner. My cousin fell asleep holding onto me the way a toddler sleeps holding a teddy bear. I jokingly whispered help to his friend but he just laughed.
This last week we text a lot more and were more open with each other. He told me how he'd felt and for how long. i told him i was afraid he'd have felt weird about the kiss. He said no, that he didn't want me to stop and wished it had been longer Then yesterday I decided to go hang out with him. We kissed again and this time it was longer. At first he seemed withdrawn but then he put is arms around me to prolong our embrace. We kissed several more times last night despite being terrified we'd be caught. And when I left he had to have one more and asked me not to go though he knew I didn't have a choice.
I'm 19 now and he's 17. I love my cousin like I would anyone in my family, and maybe a little more. I'm not sure whether it will develop into a more serious kind of love but I realize that there is potential for it. At the moment we both wish we could date but we're worried about our family and friends. I don't know for sure but I don't think they'd look favorably on it even if we are second cousins and not first. I've done a lot of research and discovered that it would be genetically safe and that there's nothing immoral or sinful about it. (I did have worries). All I know is you can't help what you feel or who you feel it for anymore then you can help who you're family is. And if I were to fall in love with him... well it would be OK with me. He's an amazing guy that anyone would be lucky to end up with... Guess we"ll just wait and see how things go.
