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Please Help

OK, so I'm pretty new at this. Please bear with me.

Hello, I'm a teen girl who has absolutely no idea on how to fix the humongous mess that her life is right now. To summarize: I am in a relationship with my first cousin on my mom's now, and just recently my mom saw us together. Nothing bad, I just touched his arm, but my mom is super pissed.  So, to explain why she is soo mad over this simple gesture, lets start from the beginning, which was about 4 years ago, when i was still a child. I fell for my cousin and he fell for me. It was a real simple kiddie relationship,innocent, you could almost say. It never went past holding hands and hugging. One day, my mom caught us doing just that, hugging. with the exception that we were lying in bed together. She was really displeased to say the least. She yanked my ear. "He's your cousin" she said Well that happened in Mex. 4 years later, my cousin came to the US where we live currently. Before his arrival, my mom had already told me not do anything stupid. I think that she thinks we did something dirty or obscene, but it was nothing like that. Anyways, after a couple of months, he got a phone and we started texting one day. I was still mildly interested in him, but I didn't know if he was in me. I knew that ever we had could only be real in my mind. So, I confined myself to fantasies knowing that it would never happen and that I couldn't let it happen either because it would be a hugely ungrateful way to repay my parent's for being just that, my parents. I consider them, all things considered, to be very good ones and something like that would be no way to thank them for the support and love they have given me most of my life. Back to the point, we were texting and I said bye, but he was like wait, I have some pics to send you, and i was like OK. he sent me some cute love notes, and he asked me out the next day. I was and am so confused about my reasons for accepting his over text message proposal (something that i found very unromantic). I do like him a lot. Actually, i think it might be love, but then again what teen knows truly what love is; what person for that manner?


 

So it could be that maybe this is not worth it, but I had been hoping for him for a long time. I do care for him and he does for me. He left his world in Mex and came here for me. I guess part of my acceptance has to do with that fact, but I never asked him to give it all up for me. He knows just as well as I do what he was getting into and I left it very clear where we stood. I have never had another boyfriend that was not him and he says he hasn't been with any one either. I feel like I owe him and that I should repay him for his love or like. I'm an endless cynic and hopeless skeptic, so I doubt all men without question and doubt every aspect of society. Which is the reason this may seem a little on the other side of romance. I feel I must say that we haven't done anything wrong besides keep this ( and rather unsuccessfully on my part) from our family. We've only exchanged a couple of kisses and held hands.


 

With my parents it's also another guilt trip which is exactly why I'm not fighting as hard as I would otherwise. Yesterday, after my mom saw us, she took me into my dad's room and asked me how it was that she could make me understand that he was my cousin she took a belt a hit me for the first time since I was a child.She then proceeded to call me a pig and a dirty person, that was what hurt the most because I am inanely a good girl. I keep my grades up, I am mostly respectful, I'm clean, and the only thing out of bounds I have wanted was him. I don't merit any disrespect, and yet she's treating the situation as if it were all on ME. She hasn't yet considered that a relationship is with TWO people. I am proud of the fact that I did not shed a tear over this whole exchange.


 

So my question is, what can I do? Should I keep up with this? Should I break his heart and tell him it's over because I can't up and leave everything for him like he did for me? or should I give it all up for him, my family, my life, my future? I am so confused. I can't look at my mom, and the only thing that comforts me is that she hasn't told my dad and I'm pretty sure she never will. I just don't know what to do at this point and all advice would be appreciated especially form those who have been somewhere similar to my experience.


 

-Thank You

confused4u confused4u 18-21, F 11 Responses Sep 13, 2009

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i am in that situation hun mine is a bit different he is my first cousin on my moms side i was 9 he was 11 wen i first fell in love with him i said sumet to the wrong person n wen i was 11 we were split apart by our family i was the one blamed even though he was older and it takes two. and then a few years later i went to visit for the first time and i still loved him and wanted only him and i was not and near him. then wen i was 16 i me a guy n moved in with him thinkin i could forget but i couldnt n me n my cousin got in touch again we wanted to make a go of it but he was scared to lose his family. so we ended it again n i tryed to stay wi my boyfriend at the time but i got hurt n left him. then i met someone else n i endd up maryin him and i never once forgot about my first love. one day me n my husband went to a pay they were avin and my cousin found out my husband had hit me and he was really mad n upset n wanted to protect me n i said no cos i was maried and couldnt cheat but then my husband cheated on me all the time n i left him n never contacted my love i thought he was happy i finally met someone else and he new all about my cousin and he had a go at him and told him i was with him now so i never heard from him again n i was hurt i left my boyfriend in ovtober n i got in touch wi my cousin christmas day n on boxing day we met n have done since once aweek and he had a girlfriend and left her cos he wasnt happy and he still loves me he told his parents he loved me and they disowned him but he said to me we have loved each other for 18 years and i have been unhapy for 16 i am not lettin anyone come between us again n i would rather lose my mother father n sister just to be with u. so wat im sayin is if u love him dont make mistakes like i did n find others just cos its wat ur family want just for u to get hurt. like i did go for it think of ur self if u ar happy n he makes u happy dont let anyne come between u u will regret it in yars to come thinkin wat if n i wish i had. im glad now im 26 and gettin my really chance at being happy with someone i no loves me n would never hurt me likes most men would i hope this helps u make ur decision if ur family love u then they will come round eventually and support u if not they not worth ur worry all they should want is for u to be happy n if ur cousin makes u happy then i would say give it a chance x

Ok for a teenage girl as you say you are you are very educated and very smart. As some pple have told you stay strong... I am 20 years old but this has been going on with me since i was 12 years old. Let me tell you my situatuion is almost the exact same thing! You know what why don't you message me and we can talk about this... I would love to try and help and maybe we could even help eachother with just talking about this :)

whoever said that theres anything wrong with 2 people sharing there love is screwed... i say go for it confused4u, there is absolutely no need to condemn your feelings just because hes your cousin... and that woman above that agrees with you mom hitting you, what the ****??? there is nothing that constitutes physical violence against children. EVER!!! i mean come on, hitting a defenseless child.. do you feel tough? if your parents really have that big a problem with lovng another person, regardless of who they are, then i would say that they are more concerned with you living up to their expectations than they are with your happiness.. which should be the first concern of all parents... if it makes you happy, its your life. the rest of the world can shut up and crawl in a hole and die!

wait till you are older.still be friends he knows you must wait.go to collage and get good grades.and friends and hobbys ,love can wait,live life first.you are only young once.

Thank you traceylove

hay girly, im inlove with my cousin too and the only thing i can tell you is to tell him to wait when you get older to get on your on so you dont have to worry about your parents downing you about this and if he love you and if you love him ya'll can wait for that day and if you cant wait sneak away when she not around. the only ppl know about my relationship with my cousin is his sister and my sister and 2 nieces and thats it and he dont know that they know i trust them they not happy about it but they understand that i love him i wish you can convince your mother that it isnt true cause thats the reason you want to give it up thats why i refuse to tell my mother good luck

Wow ok lots of support for my mom. thanks... ok so i do know most boys just want to get in your pants, and i doubt every single man out there. period, besides, sex is not in my plans any time soon, And Actually i've been doing research about this and the chances of me having a mutated child are not many. I would really hate to disrespect my parents because, after all, they are GREAT parents. Yeah it was kinda dumb for him to leave the country, and I KNOW he understands that its not that easy for me to leave my family. I know fear drives people mad and i understand that she was trying to protect me. Maybe my life would be easier if dumped him, but I can't because deep down i do really want this. I'm just not sure that I want to do this to my family. I know i could make it with him and i couldn't do with out him, but I wish my mom would at least try to help me figure this out instead of saying NO! and turning deaf.

honeslty your mom has every right to act like this. i know you think its love but you have to realize that you and him are family. I know you cant control your heart and feelings but sometimes you have to just back off.<br />
if he really cared about you he would understnad this.

I'm a mother of 4. The reason why your mother hit you was probably fear. She imagines you're doing something that she thinks, for whatever reason, you shouldn't be. She's frightened and she's trying to control what you do. You sound like a very considerate girl. You are not responsible for other peoples reactions to what you do. Only they are. Do not live your life to please other people, neither your mother or your cousin. Its your life - you only get one. Live your truth.

Well well well young teen. I was a young teen girl once. My life revolved around boys, friends and clothes. Don't do anything just because you think you owe it to him. You don't owe him a damn thing. If he was dumb enough to leave his country well then that is his problem. How old is he to even be able to leave his parents? Also trust me on this one men will say anything and agree with you on anything to get into your pants. I was one of the most popular girls in my school, I could have any guy I wanted and it still took me years to learn these lessons. I thought i new everything. Remember you are number one!! You set the rules for yourself and your body. Seriously if you have sex and get pregnant your child will be genetically mutated. there are reasons why you dont date your cousin because your children will be so screwed up genetically. Talk to your mom and tell her how you are feeling it will be hard but it can only get easier

My mother's side of my family are Italian---we used to have these huge family get togethers on a pretty regular basis--Aunts-Uncles- Cousins - grandparents One of my cousins--and I were NEVER at one of these gatherings at the same time...I never met him until after I was married...We looked at each other for the first time--He put his arms around me and kissed me on the mouth. We both laughed. He said, "Kissing cousins".. we both understood why our family had kept us separated...My advice to you little girl---is Listen to Your MaMa----stay away from your kissing cousin.

I dont know what to say but, always remember that parents come first, no one can be preferred on parents, according to our religion(islam) you are bound to do good to your parents, although they may have hurted you. how would you feel if you grow up your children with so much difficulty, and finally they leave you for their lover! think! my mother deserted me but still um caring for her, all the best!

I don't know what to say cause in my case i don't know whether he have the same feeling as i do or not...<br />
But i want you to be strong, and do what your heart tells you... <br />
This is your life, live it with no regrets...