This Is My Confession..

  When I was 5 years old, my mother sacrificed everything we had back home in Nicaragua to immigrate to Canada for a better life. Our struggle was immense but we made it. About Fourteen years have passed since our 'move' to the north. Now our lives are wonderful, my mother has a good paying job and I'm in University. 

But that's not really how my story starts. 

When I was 16 years old, my mother decided that it was time to return back home and visit our family. After being away for about eleven years at that time, I was not at all fond with this idea. In fact I hated this idea, to make matters worse; we were going to be there for a month. A full month of my life that I was going to be away from my comfortable surroundings, my friends and my life style, yup I really hated it.

Six hours of travel by plane and an hour car ride later, we were there. My surroundings were incredibly different, the people and life style was not like my Canadian life style. 

Between my aunts and my mother exchanges of laughter, tears, hugs and feelings mixed with gibberish sayings of how much they loved, missed and how much we've changed. I was passed around like a new branded and unusual item that was not common. I would even admit that I enjoyed this attention. My eyes continued wondering the room and that's when I saw him. There he was, standing with my other cousins, arms folded-just watching, thinking, God knows about what. But at that moment it felt like the nerves from my finger tips arose and travelled from the tips of my fingers to the length of my arms to give me Goosebumps and rose to the red of my cheeks.

His name is Daniel. 

At that point of my life, I figured that the only reason that I was attracted to him was because of his boyish smile and his nice yellow-hazel eyes. Plus, we were practically strangers, the only thing I knew about him was that his name was Daniel and that unfortunately he was my cousin.

In Nicaragua there is a custom that whenever you greet, or meet or even say goodbye to someone-whether a stranger or family member. You kiss on the cheek, let me admit that I am very fond of this custom. Continuing on with my story, we were introduced to each other and from that moment on, every time we met and greeted I always held my breath in hopes that he misguided his kiss and rather than him kissing my cheek-that our lips would meet.

Our turning point came one night, when we were both sitting outside of my grandmother’s house and talking about everything that was new and strange in Canada that would never be experienced there. This seemed to fascination him and as we continued talking I was fascinated by him. Our departure came too soon that night. And we as we kissed goodbye, I held my breath one more time. I guess that at that moment by a miracle of god. Our lips met. It was like electricity! It was like a surge of electrical warmth hit me. Like utter shock! I was completely dumbfounded! Literally, it took me a full 10 slow seconds to realize that we were kissing. And by a completely unreasonable reflex-I pushed him away. He laughed at my bewilderness and left.

I don’t know how to explain it. But I think that was the precise moment that I fell in love with him. It was something incomparable; it was something so sweet and natural what I felt for him. It was this emotion that made me crave just being in viewing distance of him. It was like every time I closed my eyes, he was there. Every time I took a breath, it ached. And every time I was with him, I wanted to cry.

From that moment on our meetings and encounters was something sacred. I began counting how many times his eyes would linger on to me at family gatherings and how many quiet smiles we shared.

The night we became official was at my cousin’s birthday at their home. Their house was being renovated and the whole upstairs was without carpet, lighting and furniture. All the younger kids were playing hide and seek is this dark area. Let me remind you that it was also night time so it was especially dark.  The older cousins decided to go play pranks on the younger cousins. We went up too. He went up and a couple minutes later I followed. The whole floor was extremely dark and I could barely see two feet in front of me. Arms stretched out I made my way in further into the darkness, every now and then I’d bumped into a small child and they would just scream and run away. I made my way into a room and wanted to call out Daniel, but I didn’t want to draw attention to myself. I found the nearest wall near me and secured myself to it. But not before being pulled in by someone unknown. I was about to pull away when Daniel assured me it was him. So I let him pull me and I let my heartbeat rise and we just stayed like that for a few good minutes until I decided to face him. That night we kissed and kissed and let our hands linger and explore. Every now and then we would stop and just hugged or just held each other. That night we became official. He was mine and I was his.

The rest of the month was wonderful and we spent it amazing together. I was set to leave on the 4th of January, after the New Year. On New Year’s Eve, I escaped with him to my other cousin’s house on the other side of town. We wanted to be alone and away from the family and that was the perfect location. That evening we fully became lovers. I became a woman, as the term goes, and he became a man.  After we made our way back to our family with a million excuses to why we were both gone, we spent the new years together, he gave me my new year’s kiss when the family was too preoccupied and all my new year resolutions were about him.

At our official departure, we both cried our hearts and souls away in each other’s arms. I promised him I would return the following year and I told him to wait for me.  He said he would.

To this day, years after those events, I continue being in love with him. And even as I write this, my heart aches for him. I’ve gone back several times and but we’ve broken up. He says he still loves me but that our family would never allow it. And it’s true, they wouldn’t. I wish we were both different people. But at the same time I don’t, because if we were-we would have never met.

This is my confession.

lousielou lousielou
18-21, F
8 Responses Dec 6, 2009

god! you serious all of you folks .......fell in love with a cousin....he or she is your sister or brother wake up!!!!

Same thing happened with my cousin and I and we have something that completely connects us. We were born the same day, same year, same hospital, next room to each other. He is my first cousin and we confessed our love for each other, but in this case I backed off. I was too afraid. Yes I do love him. I would not doubt it for a second, but I was and am too afraid to face the rejection of both my dad's and mom's families. So don't take it as if he does not love you. Just like me, he's terrified to keep it going because he knows there will be a point where eventually you both have to face your family. Hope this helps :(

am sorry he stoped it but i for one say sweet heart its a whole lot of bull if ya ll love each other fight it love should never be second to other peoples openions fcuk that :) should be wit him . . . . . :) am in love wit my cuz too and yes its hard all the time but i wont stop fightin for her she s mine and for ever will be dont worry u did nothin wrong to hell wit who ever say s other wise i live the life u dream of at this very moment and its every bit and more then u imagined :) its the sweetist part of my life

in the UK you can marry your first cousin,and in most parts of the U.S you can do the same,the trouble is only with family's,that think this is wrong.

To FallynK;<br />
<br />
Thanks for your approval and thanks for the inquieries..<br />
<br />
I never thought about that actually.. And I haven't gone back home in about 1 and a half but i know that once i see him face to face that all my teenage emotions are going to rush back like they had never left. Which may be the case, i just have them locked away in a small pendora box. I have seen pictures of him and he's gotten handsomer and taller. I can tell that I still haven't gotten over him.. however if he was ever to get married.. i would go to the wedding.. with a fake smile and.. over chirpy attitude plastured all over me.. I mean what else can I do? I want to be happy for him but that doesnt necessarily mean i'll be happy too.. either way I'll be there for him in his moment.. If he gets married.. <br />
<br />
thanks for your support!

This's so sweet, touching and sad. I just think its so beautiful that you were each other's first times and the moment in the dark, that was so...I guess romantic. It's like that should be in a movie of some sorts. I am really sad to read that you guys aren't together but then again, he is trying to protect you from your family's...disapproval, so take it as a good thing.<br />
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Do you ever think, maybe when you guys are older, that you will get together? And, this question has plagued my mind about my own cousin who I had feelings for, if he got married, would you attend the ceremony?

AHHHH OMG!!! it's like we are the same personb except im a few years younger. but my fam sacraficed alot and moved to the US from mexico and then we went back and i met my cousin and his name is Daniel too and he also has gorgeous hazel honey brown eyes wowowowow!!! iwish you the best of luck i truely do because i know what it's like to feel like the family was going to shun you. and i am so truely sorry it didn't work out. =( But at least you had your moment. it's true we cannot help who we fall in love with. my heart achess with your pain. i hope you can somehow manage to be happy

Aww this makes me feel sad for you. It couldn't have been easy. We can't choose who we fall in love in :(