Stick Together, Everything Will Be All RightIn wars of yesteryear, and sometimes still today, when one country wanted to overthrow another country, the men of the country that won the new country would destroy what ever intact families remained of the losing country. Killing the fathers & sons, of the losing country insured a more peaceful transition. It is sad when I see families willingly tear themselves apart. It is such an ugly mess, and every one hurts. As the scapegoat of my family I realize that my other family members are only as healthy as their relationship with me is. I know this because I never really did anything wrong. As a child I told my mom of abuse, she didn't do anything, so I told the school about abuse, no one in authority would do the right thing. Then one day my day was physically attacking me in the kitchen. I was cornered, I was scared. I was a kid. I saw a knife and picked it up. I told him to leave me alone. He did not. He simply picked up a knife too, then he took the knife I held, away from me, because he knew I could never hurt him. Then he molested me with the knife he had. I had nothing to defend myself. Then my mom walked in seeing everything, she asked what was wrong. My dad said that I tried to stab him, his first lie that night. Then he called 911, while I was standing their with no weapon and he was completely unhurt because I had done nothing except pick up a knife and tell him to leave me alone. When the cops came they took me, I begged them to. At first I couldn't tell them about my father molesting me with the knife. I never wanted my father to go to jail, just wanted him to stop abusing me.
This theory I have, that all families should stick together, is challenged by my fathers actions. Not only by his willingness to harm his children then treat me like a disposable diaper. It is also challenged because what does it mean to 'stick together' when a member of that family is abusing others? How can a family remain intact even when you have to contain a member of the family? Containing isn't the same as disposing of. I imagine it is different for every family. I think it begins with the family rightly placing blame where it belongs first. And then after that it is making sure that problem doesn't continue. My mother and father never made that decision to take the first step though, so they just took the easy way and threw me under the bus.
Love is demonstrated when felt. Love is brave and also patient and kind. It was my parents duty to find a solution that would have been brave loving kind and wise. They did not. It is the parents responsibility for continuing to reach out and tend the relationship with the child. as a child I was doing my parents job of protecting myself from abuse. They didn't, I was the one who spoke up to the authorities. I was the one who took the fall in court, so that I could go into foster care and keep safe. It's amazing to me how we keep repeating the same patterns in life. For me it is 'overreaching' trying to help, to do, when it is not my responsibility.
Starting early in childhood I was setup to be the scapegoat. And even as an adult it has continued to be where I am in the family. 7 years ago my mom confirmed this and yelled at me saying, "You tore this family apart!" No child has that much power in a family. Even though she yelled at me once, she would always be conversational when I called, so I got mixed messages. And I always felt that I needed to reach out to 'demonstrate' my love. I was there for my family in my own perennial, bumbling and imperfect way.
Then came 2009, I was writing to my mom on the email, yet it wasn't my mom that was writing. It was my father. He got into my mothers email and opened the emails that I addressed to her. I have never been in direct communication with my father since I was 13, (I'm 37 now) so I would have never emailed had I known he was impersonating my mother. He would intercept the emails I addressed to my mom and answer them, as if he was my mom. Then I got a vitriolic email calling me a liar. My mom had never done that. I had told my mom over and over about getting molested by my father, since I was a kid, and my mom NEVER called me a liar. My mom just never lifted a finger to protect me. Not realizing my father was impersonating my mother I created a notarized document to sever all communication with them.
Then a few months ago I became suspicious about those emails. And I called my mom and asked her if she had wrote me an email and called me a liar. She said no. Unlike my father, my mom usually doesn't lie. My father plays it fast and loose with the truth, always has and has never learned his lesson. When I realized that my father had intercepted my emails intended for my mom, and had impersonated her, which is what caused this mess I was confused, my mom is so passive I thought maybe she had put my father up to it. She seemed so happy when I called her though, I decided my father was lying for his own interest (and possibly for the amusement of others and himself). I talked to my mom every couple weeks then I offered to take her to church on Sunday. Tomorrow. She accepted.
Since that conversation I was trying to psych myself up for seeing my mom after all these years. And I finally got to a place where I thought I could. Then I got a cell phone MESSAGE. My father had given her the ultimatum that if she continued any sort of relationship with me that HE would end the marriage and toss her out. My blind elderly mother, that was the primary bread winner and put HIM through school, etc He was going to punish her if she dared to talk to me.
Just so you know. I don't do drugs, am not violent, I am stable. I don't borrow money, None of that crap. it's just the fact that my mom would have a relationship with me is what my father was threatening her about.
so that's where it stands. A stupid frightened man. Afraid of his daughters tongue and what she represents. A mom with no backbone. They tore their family apart, I was a pawn to them and my father is a pawn to the people he listens to and the fear in his own mind.
What I want to say to you, is honesty is the best policy. Children are too afraid to tell police officers and authorities about abuse. Adults have to think for children. Adults have responsibility to keep the 'ties that bind' secure. The adults must demonstrate this honesty about their own family's shortcomings and strengths. They must take account. And do what is essential for the children to thrive.
These are my mothers last words to me left on my cell phone, on Saturday morning, the week before Mothers Day:
"Hi this is mom I will not be able to have a relationship with you because dad has given me an ultimatium. I will not be able to have you pick me up tomorrow for church, or anything like that, so please don't call me anymore. I'm sorry it has to be like this because it's just a one way ticket that I have....love..."
akasolia 41-45, F 4 Responses 1 Apr 30, 2011