It's His Season.....Someone asked me about this yesterday, and there are days that I can address it very clinically, and then there are the days when I think about it, and I am flooded with vivid memories, and hit with a thousand, "what if's"......what if I had reacted just 15 minutes sooner...what if I demanded another opinion....what if.....
He was due to be born on October 31, but didn't actually arrive until November 13th. Things went very wrong, very quickly during his arrival. A long story short, we went home with an empty car seat. We abandoned our car, with the car seat installed in front of our home, neither one of us could get back inside of it. I called a non-profit organization that week, and donated it. We were completely lost in our grief for a long time, but somehow we managed to stay connected as best as we could. I would disappear into sitting at the piano & play for hours & hours, my wife would crawl into bed and read.
The thing is, our son's death led us to having the beautiful family that we have. We never would have pursued adoption when we did, and we wouldn't have had the children that we do. I can't imagine my life without my sweet babies, and if it took living through that horror again just to have them, I would do it. My life started when I had them, and now the reality is.....I wouldn't change a thing.
Now, every year on our son's birthday, we all just take a day off. It's like we take a big collective sigh. Our tradition has become to go out, rain or shine. We collect fall leaves to remember him, and we end the day with a messy game of mud football. It's all about being together on that day, and remembering that even in our loss, we count our blessings.