I Love My Friend Romantically
A year ago, just before Thanksgiving, I met a friend online. We started talking on the phone soon after and had deep conversations. We formed a deep connection, talking late into the night even before we met in person.
At the same time, I was dealing with a broken heart from a guy I was slowly realizing had lied to me, cheated on me and really broke my trust. I was giving him a lot of space because he was dealing with a custody battle and was at risk of having his daughter move out of state. He told me he was going to transfer to finish his masters degree in a different city, but actually stayed in town. He used these lies as a grand excuse to hide his other relationship. The truth was he was living with his other girlfriend AND her children AND got her pregnant. I am not one to have such a dysfunctional situation and be put in such a risky situation regarding him sleeping with both of us. I was terribly hurt by the whole thing. I have been hurt a few times before, including a marriage where my ex husband did not make a single sacrifice or caring action for me in the two years of our marriage. My ex-husband married me, in a large part because he liked the sex (he told me this later on.) All this is important because it sets up a series of mistakes that really messed up my chances with the love of my life.
I am desperate not to make him the "one who got away", but right now my friend has a girlfriend. Its about as much as I can stand. Here is what happened with us in the last year:
We continued talking and met at the end of January. I lived 9 hours away from him at the time. It was mostly a group setting (camping trip). I found him attractive, but nothing happened. I was still really devastated from the cheater guy. We continued talking after that and it was a great connection The next time I saw him was for a week in the spring. I came up to see him. The first night, he made a move. The next day it was so hard for me. I had made a conscious decision to make the guy make all the first moves--physically, emotionally, etc. I thought it was a good way to keep myself from getting taken advantage of. it was a dumb experiment, really.
It really backfired because he didnt feel enough affection from me and decided we would be better as "just friends". It would add to many words to the story to explain why, but I never got a chance to explain what happened. I tried once, but he wasn't ready to hear me out. So it went in one ear and out the other.
I have talked to some very accurate psychics and they all say he still loves me. (Our mutual friend is certain of this too and I think its because he has told me so.) They also say we'll be getting a chance soon and I feel so nervous that that's all crap (although many predictions of events and situations have already happened regarding him.) This gives me a lot of hope, but the stakes are so high. I miss him so much I almost can't take it. We are still friends, but we see each other less (even though I moved close by--and for a job not to stalk him lol) Me moving here made it seem like it was all "meant to be" I just fear it will never happen or I've messed it up beyond repair and I fear I will never get a chance to share with him what happened...any of those three things will just continue to eat away at me. I miss him even though he is down the street and I pray every night he will give me another chance.
