I Love My Girls

Always I've tried to explain to my friends, without children, what it means to love your child or children....I remember being pregnant with my second child and being terrified that I could not love her as much as I loved my first born...when she too came along I found that I didn't have to take any love away from my first born to give to my second....there was just more love there to give anyway. Does that make sense?

What I have seen though....and realised through loving my girls so much is sacrifice...what a mother will do for her children, their love, their safety....what a mother will sacrifice for her children...and take on her own pain for loving them so very much. You know that old saying..."if you love somebody...set them free"... if they'll come back to you? Then you'll know how much they love you...not true! Maybe in a relationship, yes...not as a mother!

I feels like I've been divorced forever, remarried the most amazing man a woman could ever wish for.  But,  finding that balance between a previous marriage...children from that marriage, being a wife again can be so very difficult. Who gets to win or lose your attention at any given moment in time? How you never get those moments back!

I allowed my girls, now teenagers to move thousands of miles away to another country, to be with their father and step mom...and yes the pain gets worse, day by day as I wonder what they're doing, what they're looking like today, is their hair up or down, tied in a pony. What they're wearing...how's the weather there right now? Every minute of the day hurts as I wonder...how they are that very minute, every minute of the day. Then realise, whilst it's daytime here, it's nightime there. Are they warm, is someone listening to sound of there breathing. Will their dad know just by the tone of their voice that something is wrong. I have no idea when, where I'll ever see them again! Will I still be here tomorrow? Will they see me again? I remember hugging them good-bye at the airport and my heart felt as if it had physically been torn from my body as I watched them disappear from sight...with all the light in my life. My reason to get up everyday, to cook, to clean vanished behing glass windows!

Always, before they had gone to their dad on weekends, during the week - we always tried to have a 'working' relationship as parents. There was always a tomorrow, now I realise that they may never be. There were tons of arguments, who did what wrong or right? Invariably it was me doing things wrong as a single mom. Only one income, trying to keep your job when your child is sick at home alone. You're too petrified of something going wrong whilst you're gone because you can't phone your boss as there's no 'airtime' on your phone....so the list of rights and wrongs gets longer and longer. It all still boils down to the children. Their hearts and souls. Their future..their lives in your hands...every decision you make could be an 'if only'. I know so many mom's and dad's that say 'if only', if only they'd gotten there a minute earlier. 'If only' they hadn't....I live with that everyday. What if I allow them to go to a friend and something goes wrong? What if they go the 'mall', and some drunked hits me driving sobber with them in the car on the way home? What if...what if...what if!!!

I allowed my girls to go because I couldn't see a future here for them. I could see them being raped, mugged, hijacked....I could not see those beautiful smiling faces being harmed by some 'baddie'! Yet, I am here..they are there 24 000kms + away. The tears just don't stop. How I miss them arguing. How I miss the scent of their deordorant that used to choke me in the morning. How I miss the smell of their hair as it's just been washed with shampoo and conditioner that I bought for them. How I miss watching their hair shine in the sunlight? How I miss their constant nagging to go somewhere and I would say no? How I wish I had said YES! But I can't now...I can't say YES now, because they aren't here!

My amazing husband who has sacrificed so much for children that weren't his own, who has to work overseas in order to send money home for us to have what I am now sitting in - alone! Our home..is now a house, it's deathly quiet, no radio's or cd players blaring different music at the same time. The puppies are lost as to where their playmates have gone. The kitties don't know where to sleep. My awesome husband is trying so desperately to keep his job and talk to me sobbing over the phone....also thousands of kilometers away!

We have electric fencing, automatic gates, armed response...yet none of it was enough for me to know that they would be at home, safe and sound after school whilst I worked. Their cell phones had to be on them at all times so that I could know that they were okay all day....to those of you that know that terrifying feeling if the phone wasn't answered that you were prepared, in a second, to be in your car and fly down the freeway to get home...to find they were watching TV and hadn't heard the phone! Then you'd scream at them for having given you heart failure as your pulse raced over the speed limit that you were doing 160kms on the freeway and didn't care if you were pulled over by a traffic cop who could lock you up and throw the keys away for breaking the law.

The only time that I knew that my girls were okay, was when they were with me - because I had savvy, that my parents had taught me. But my parents are still together. I had entered a whole new arena of pain that I never knew existed on this planet. Then I realised what I had done to my parents...how many nights they had waited up for me to come home, so many years I had balked at them for 'worrying for nothing'....now I know exactly how they felt. When they had gotten a phone call...quite a few in fact... to say I'd come off my bike....what must have been going through their hearts and minds as they rushed to the hospital! Now I know their pain. But they feel mine now too...they too have lost their grand children. As a parent you share that bond of love and it carries it's way down the path of life. 

I will say to you now as a matured parent...make sure that when you have your children...the person you're having them with is going to stay with you forever...because that 'broken home' syndrome is not repairable. Once it is gone it has gone forever. 

I look at my beautiful, gorgeous daughters...see what they've been through over the years, how such big-young girls they are. How I've tainted their innocence with my mistakes. Yet I have watched as they haven't made the same mistakes as I have...yet!!?? They have so much love to give...that's the thing with children - their love is 'unconditional'. Don't ever force your child to love you more or less than their mother or father! Don't teach your child to judge with an adult's mind! Don't bring an innocent into this world unlesss you know what it's going to take to give them everything you have - even if it be your life! Do you know that pain? If you do, please tell me how you deal with it everyday....I don't know? I take each day, minute by minute, hour by hour...that's as far as I've gotten....I have learnt that there is such a thing as dying from a broken heart! I know what it is to feel such pain that I have lashed out at all those I love the most.

If you're 18 or younger and you're reading this...you think that it's really 'cool' to be sleeping with your boyfriend...think again of the life that you may be starting in that one split second of peer pressure. The pain that you may have to be for the rest of your life! The rest of your life may be a long, long time.

I would never undo having my children...they are the light of my life they have taught me the meaning of life. My mother said to me once 'God chose to give you those girls to make YOU their mom'...My mother is so wise - she knows about life and love and loss and pain. Yet I never listened and my parents never judged...now I listen...but even then I still think I know better. There is a difference between listening and hearing!

Even at 25 I thought I was old enough to make the right decision. Nearly 17 years down the line I didn't know it could hurt this much to love your children - what you will give for them to be safe, to be loved, to be unhurt. There is no love on earth that matches that... that you have for your child. But until you have children of your own, you will never experience that love...how uncanny can life be?

So I go each day, minute by minute....hour by hour.... They say God never gives you more than what you can deal with...as I wonder how I'm going to get through the next minute of the next hour...I pray for His help to take this unbearable pain away....to keep my children safe and sound...always....

freekay freekay
Feb 17, 2009