I Love Pennsylvania With A Firey Passion That Burns In My Soul With The White Hot Intensity Of A Thousand Suns

Can I just say? I love PA. I was born in Chestnut Hill. Spent my early childhood in Eagleville. Moved to Harrisburg for the later part of elementary school. And now I'm in West Chester. For ultimate awesome, see paragraph about Wawa.

 

Will you let me tell you what I love about Pennsylvania?

Let's see...  I went to college in Collegeville. This is one of the reasons I love PA. We have a town called Collegeville because it has a college in it. How charming, right? 

So the Bloodhound Gang is from the Perkioman Valley, right next to Collegeville. They have a song called "Pennsylvania". For more information on how ******* awesome Pennsylvania is, refer to that song. Notable lyrics: "Do you even know what a Wawa is, girl?" Yeah. That's a lyric in the song. As far as songs go, this is probably the only one we Pennsylvanians have and most of us probably don't even know we have a song about us. As far as songs that are about states go, though, I think we got a pretty cool one. Just think about all the songs about New York. **** those songs. How many of them are ****** songs? Most of them. That's how many. Another reason I love PA. Our song is crazy hilarious. Just listen to it.

I think our song does a pretty good job of explaining PA. And the explanation? Mostly Wawa. That's the explanation. Just Wawa. At least in eastern PA. I don't know about you folks out in the west. You've got something else, I think. But Wawa is the best thing that ever happened to mankind. Another reason I love PA. Just Wawa. Getting to go to Wawa, getting to talk about Wawa, the facebook group "Who's sober enough to drive to Wawa", explaining to people from out of state what Wawa is. People who aren't from here don't understand Wawa. They go, "What's a Wawa?" and you say, "It's like a convenience store/ gas station AND they just started selling milkshakes which is pretty awesome" and they're all like, " O you mean like a 7 Eleven?" and you're like, "HELL ******* NO IT'S NOT LIKE A 7 ELEVEN! IT'S ONLY TEN THOUSAND TIMES BETTER IN EVERY WAY! AND DID I MENTION THEY HAVE MILKSHAKES NOW? AND DELI MEATS? YEAH THEY HAVE DELI MEATS. SUCK ON THAT!" And then they're all, "Why are you so ******* heated? Jesus Christ. Calm down. I'ts just a convenience store." But they don't get it. It's so much more than a convenience store. It's the Mecca of drunk kids. It's the salvation of every stoner who's just gotten a raging case of the munchies. It sells the cheapest cigarettes in PA.It sells delicious fresh made sandwiches. People hang out outside of it. It's got a goose on the sign, for Christ's sake. It's got ******* MILKSHAKES AND DELI MEATS! AND it's way better than any other convenience store anywhere ever.

I mean, yeah OK, Jersey has Wawa too, but Jersey is a ******* **** hole so that doesn't count. And Delaware. But Delaware isn't even a state it's so small so **** them too. And ANOTHER reason I love PA. We get to hate on Jersey all the time. South Jersey? Who the hell are they kidding? That is the nation's anus. That's the most desolate place I've ever seen (and my family is from there so I'm there all the time). North Jersey? Who the hell are THEY kidding. They're not even part of Jersey. They're New York. They're all the people who couldn't afford to live in New York so they settled for Jersey. Jersey has all those hilarious Italian girls who tan all the time and all those hilarious Italian GUYS who tan all the time too. And they have rednecks too. God Jersey is funny.  

O! And we have the Amish. Who could forget that? No one makes a heatless fireplace like the Amish, right? But mostly, it sucks, because you get stuck behind they're stupid carriages on narrow roads. And none of the girls are pretty. But they're a fun novelty.

And I like how almost everywhere that there isn't a big city, Pennsylvanians have like a southern accent. How did that happen? We're north of the Mason Dixon line. Why does everyone here have a southern accent? But PA rednecks are the **** and I love them. My very own cousins are PA rednecks and they're pretty much the ****. Them and they're flea infested dogs that they leave out all day and night to run around and do whatever.

And I live in West Chester. So whenever I tell people that they always ask, "Isn't that where Bam is from?" and "Do you know Bam?". Which is stupid. But it makes me feel so great to say, "Yeah, everyone is the Dub C has met Bam. AND we all hate him because he's a dumb *******" And it's true in case you were wondering. Everyone here has met Bam and we all hate him. He's a jerk. (Also fun: calling West Chester "The Dub C"). It's kind of insulting that people assume that just because he lives in WC means that everyone in WC knows him, but I guess they're right because everyone does. I've vaguely met Bam multiple times, but everyone here hates that the one thing we're famous for is something we all hate. But then again, the Don't Feed Uncle Phil thing was kinda cool. And who doesn't secretly love telling everyone they've met him and they think he's a douche. You can go ahead and pretend you are ashamed Dub C residents, but you know you love it.

We have Preston and Steve in Philadelphia. Check out their pod cast. They're a morning radio show and they're AWESOME. They even have a Ben and Jerry's ice cream flavor named for them in Philly. It's called Gadzooks. And it's delicious. I remember when some stupid rap station bought out Y100 and we lost Preston and Steve for a few months. It was scary. But then they came back on another station 93.3  and talked a lot of **** about the new owners of Y100 and everything was OK and all of us didn't die.

And we have Krispy Kreme donuts. And Tasty Cakes. What else is there to say about that? Both of those things are obviously crazy amazing awesome.

Let's see... We have all four seasons. Not the Hotel. Like the weather. So we get Spring Summer Fall AND Winter unlike most of the rest of you US dwellers. Which is pretty nice. Cool weather, hot weather, cool weather again, and cold weather. Really cold weather. Especially this year. Jesus, we got like... 70 something inches of snow. We had the second biggest snowstorm in PA history this year. Second only to the (not so) fondly remember Blizzard of '96. And also really hot weather. Humidity is not our friend, but I'll be damned if I'd ever live anywhere that doesn't have all four of the seasons. That sounds weird.

We have the Schuylkill. Which is really only cool because anyone who doens't already know how to say it is doomed to sound like an idiot trying to figure out how to pronounce it.

I once has a boyfriend from Westchester New York. He sucks. But anyways, I basically got to introduce him and all the other New Yorkers I went to school with to PA and that's when I realized how much state pride I have. Showing them Wawa and Tasty Cakes was the greatest joy of my life. Explaining to them how the milkshakes machine there works was awesome. Laughing at them as the tried to pronounce the various names of streets and rivers (ie. Schuylkill) was hilarious. Explaining to them what was up with Amish people was fun. Making them listen to our radio stations. Everything was so fun. Introducing the special things about PA to them was what made me realize how much I love the place I live. I will never ever ever ever leave this state. I hope.

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18-21, F
Mar 10, 2010