How Can You Replace Broken Trust?

I truly love my husband with all my heart. We have been married for 10 years and been together for 12. We have had our really rocky times in the past but I thought it was all behind us. He used to drink, and saying heavily is an understatement. He was hospitalized for pancreatitis at one point it was so bad. He finally stopped and things were wonderful for about 4 years, but recently he has started drinking again. I am not sure why, I think it may have something to do with the long illness and death of my father. He looked up to him and took it hard but didn't let it show. I think he feels the weight of his responsibility now in our family since my father is gone.
Besides that, the drinking has started to cause problems in our marriage, which I am having some serious issues handling right now since I just lost my dad a little over 4 months ago. In the last 3 months I have found where my husband was "text messaging" with a girl on his cell phone for hours at a time, which he says was nothing. Then about a month ago we were supposed to have lunch together and I waited to hear from him for 3 hours. When I finally got him on the phone he had gone to a mexican restaurant without me, with some "people" from work. Well, when I went there he was pretty much trashed and sitting with a woman that works in his building. I lost my mind and started yelling at them. He and I walked outside where I continued to yell and told him I was sick of it. I was "done with him" and all he could keep saying was, you're done with me. you're done with me?? Is that right, you're done with me. (like he was verifying his permission to be free?). I said, well what do you expect me to do, I can't trust you anymore, you lie all the time, you're drinking again, and now THIS? I then said, don't even come home, I don't want to see you. SO, He leaves the restaurant (mad at me and drunk) and gets a room at a hotel. He came home about 5 hours later and didn't tell me where he had been. I only found out about the hotel a week later when the charge showed up on our bank account. I knew someone that worked at the hotel that spoke to the girl that checked him in. He was alone but received 4 phone calls from a woman who asked for him BY NAME. The woman at the restaurant admitted to me she called him, because he called her to apologize for me yelling at her and asked her to call him back there. He still won't tell me anything. He didn't even admit to any of that until I dug it all up myself.
I still don't know what happened that day. It is worrying me because of the shifts he works, I don't know where he is or what he's doing for hours at a time and I don't trust him. I am trying because I love him and don't want my family to fall apart. I don't think I can take it right now. He really makes me mad that he is putting me through these feelings with everything I am trying to deal with from my dad's death. Even if nothing happened, just the fact that he is causing me this stress is so disrespectful. I just don't know what to do. I don't know how to get back trust that has been broken over and over after you keep trying to build it back up just to get torn down again.
I don't know if there's hope or not.
I feel like ignoring it, but I know that's not the right thing to do if I have any respect for myself.
I love him though and I want to be with him, I just don't want it like this.
loribethNC loribethNC
31-35, F
5 Responses Apr 22, 2007

Thanks everyone for all your advice and words of support. We ended up divorcing. After things blew up one night (he was drunk and out of his mind. He asked me if I wanted a divorce and I said yes and that set him off. I was so afraid he would shoot us all that night. I called his father and he came down and talked to him till the sun came up. Then he came in and went to bed) I packed up mine and my daughter's clothes and left as soon as he passed out. The day I left he was at another woman's house (not even one of the two I mentioned above) and they started dating. They dated for about a year and she broke up with him b/c of the drinking. after 3 years of heavy drinking, being absent from our daughter's life, spending nights sleeping in van's and wherever he could find a place to stay, he eneded up in a coma with liver and kidney failure. The doctor's thought he would die. I spend 2 whole weeks at the hospital with him and our daughter. He somehow began to get better (despite the assurance of his doctors that it wasn't possible) and now he is healthy and sober. We are friends (mostly) but will never be together again. He has resumed a role in our daughter's life and has started dating the woman he was with the day I left him. I made the right decision to leave. I didn't want my daughter traumatized by him and his drinking and lies. Although I feel that I have probably been emotionally damaged by all the loss and hurt I went through and have failed to find a healthy emotional relationship since. The important thing is my daughter wasn't subjected to that life and he got help and is trying to make it up to her now.

once the trust is broken it can never be rebuilt, it's easy to say let's put it in the past and move on but deep down it can never be healed. There will be times where you gon keep asking questions in your head doubting him, not believing him because of happened in the past that causes you to think what you're thinking, and with every fights comes the past, once trust is broken it's gone and you really can't get back unless you wanna play dum and turn a blind eye.

I also am waiting and wishing for an answer to if trust can be rebuilt. When my husband gets stressed out, (or something I still don't know what is the trigger) he will dive into self medication with whatever is convient. He has stolen from me over and over, and I am struggling to support our small family. I just gave birth to our first child and am really scared that he might lose himself again. I am constantly checking my wallet and wondering about how things have been acquired, just, everything, I worry and stress and it is not a healthy way to live. Yet, I love him, and I believe he deserves to be loved too. When he is a sober man, he shows me love. When he is non sober man, he shows me such disrespect and disregard that they seem to cancel out and I am left lost in a strange place of uncertainty. Just now I found a reciet in his wallet from a day I know he had no money. What do I think!?!? I feel like I am going crazy...

I would love the answer of replacing broken trust. I really don't think you can. I think all that can be done is to keep working at the marriage and be the best you can be. I am choosing each day to keep on going because I don't believe in destroying a covenant marriage. However, I am a shell of my former self and I don't think or see that I can ever truly be happy again. My security was destroyed. I wish you both the best and pray that things will work out for all of us.

Take care of yourself first! Ask him if he is willing to get professional help. If not you should anyway. Broken trust is the hardest thing I have had to deal with. I am sitting here attempting to come to a decision on my marriage. My husband is having an emotional affair and it is killing me. I like you love him very much, we have been married almost 25 years. I also know that the emotional stress and constant worry is no good! It is no way to live. I wish you the best and hope it all works out.