To Like Is Important Also.

Today is 07 13 10 and this is ANOTHER STORY THAT REQUIRES UPDATING.  I left my husband 8 months ago.  We are undergoing an amicable separation/divorce.  It's been far better than it could have been, and also painful. In part because that is inherently painful, but also due to complexities that are unusual. No cheating involved. But rather a gigantic force and drive to GROW AND LIVE LIFE. To truly become a purer expression of myself, which seemed impossible under the regime.  I will leave the original story intact. It's just about a year old.  So much changes when the fragmentation has begun.........................

Paul McCartney said of his beloved Linda: "I Love her, but what's more, I Like Her!". 

I am in a semi-constant state of a degree of sadness because, although I Love my Husband.......... I don't like him as much as I NEED to like him in order to make our relationship both sustainable and enjoyable for me.  He doesn't notice it.  His needs are so simple and different from mine.  He is happy so long as he has me by his side (so to speak).  He reminds me of his parents all the time, (poor thing!!) I don't think he would really care that I am unhappy except for when it directly affects him.  I know this portrays him as terribly selfish, which he is not, or at least not lately since I left him.  I care so deeply for him that I feel personally responsible for his happiness. And I feel all selfish and self-centered when I look around and see people who are suffering because of adversities in their lives that are so obvious.  I don't have that.  But often it feels like a burden, rather than a help.  When you don't connect in ways that have become meaningful to you in the course of your experience through Life.  We have changed, and not symmetrically.  On the other hand, being married for 21 years, it is also a "need" of his Love that I've also developed, but different; like for SUPPORT, not romantically.  I need something else from him that he, apparently can not give me, although he wants to :-(.    It would take a long time for him to see that we can't function together ideally for a good vibrant relationship. (He doesn't NEED the vibrant relationship. I DO!).  I have to be so patient.  I am still young and am grateful for that; I don't want to push things because when we push things they don't go well. And yet................... 

So you grow up. You develop.  You reach up and out.  Yep, that's good.  I'm working at it, believe me.  But the relating will remain absent because it's just not there.  

I have, thus, developed a different view on marriage.  It should be more organic, more natural, more spontaneous. What's a paper?  A marriage is between two people who Love each other's hearts and they have symmetry in their perceptions in Life, be it humor, finances, work, religion. I'm not saying perfect agreement, but a respect, an ability to grasp each other's pulsations of the heart.  It's a terrific thing, when had.  Many people may not be ABLE to relate at this level, but for those who do, it's a necessity perhaps, more than a tantrum......  Or maybe I'm wrong.  Maybe I'm being reactive to things unrelated to marriage.............

I want to spend 6 months in a cabin in Alaska (the warm months).  Discovering Life.  Waking up.  Opening My Eyes.  And My Heart. 

UsuallyForward UsuallyForward
41-45, F
3 Responses Feb 24, 2010

I have just been married for over a year but sometimes I realized I made a mistake . I should have waited for few more years . My husband is almost 30 and I'm 23 . We have nothing in common but I love him so much. I hate someone who smoke and he smokes a lot. He didn't go to college , I'm going to a good university and I want to get my master degree. He want to have kid in 2 years but I want to waiting 5-6 more years . He works very hard so when he has off , he just want to stay home and watch tv . I work in the office so on my day off , I just wanna go outside , spending time with him . Usually he's very sweet to me but when he doesn't get his Way, he talks to me like an *******. He makes me very upset . I know He has changed so much to better a person since he's with me. But I feel like it's not enough . I can't trust him about money . He let me take care all his pay check and bills. I have to check the bank account almost every single day if he takes any money out . It makes him so annoying . I'm afraid of him buying stupid stuff. I know he's clean . However I'm scared he will buy some drug or bills

And whenever we have sex , I'' always the one who tried to start it first. Sometimes he said he's tired he didn't want to do anything . I would say we have sex like a couple times a week . Even though we always have a great sex . I don't know how to make him get horny. I tried so many ways but it seem doesn't work. I always want more . I never think about cheating on him though. I know he loves me so much . I feel like I've having a boring marriage . When I'm sad I just want to get divorce or leave him. I really don't know what to do.

Your story really hit a nerve for me. With watery eyes...your story could be mine. Though I'm sure I wouldn't have written it so eloquently. <br />
Through the 22+ years of marriage, I've lost sight of me, of what's important and what matters. The WHAT is WHAT has kept me here for so long. Only a few therapists through the years but the WHAT answer was never resolved. <br />
My husband comes off cool, suave and typically says he is a minimalist (ha!). In reality he is a worry wart who sweats every decision like it's life or death (i.e. where to park, a spot on the carpet, what will people think of ?, he loathes confrontation). <br />
<br />
Therapist look at me like I'm an idiot for being unhappy, because on the surface he is handsome, a great provider, no infidelity or physical abuse (though I have wished he would, so I could be free). We are as opposite as two people could ever be, yet it's perplexing that we have been together so long. I believe it's because I went into a deep dark depression years ago and have slowly peeped my head out long enough to look around and go back in. <br />
<br />
Sarcasm as a form of communication is very rampant in our household. Of course he says I started it (ha ha ha).<br />
Some years ago (approx. 10-15) I started writing in spiral bound notebooks...each day starts with the's sad to me when I re-read a journal from years ago...SSDD! <br />
When we aren't moving (because of his job) I try to take college classes to finish my degree. I'm so close to being done, algebra and humanities class! It's difficult to concentrate!<br />
Most days it feels like I go up five stairs and fall back six, mixed in with day to day drama (kids, housestuff, hormones (perimeno)). <br />
The biggest challenge for me isn't anything I've written about above but mostly what the therapists keep asking me "What is it that I want?" This I find to be the most difficult, to answer what appears to be a simple question. It's not diamonds, houses, clothes. It's probably more of what you @usuallyforward stated "Discovering Life, Waking Up...and Peace...develop as Spiritual beings."

Thank You so very much. ~ It's important to establish WHAT it is we are looking for, isn't it. One thing for me is Peace. I have to have Peace. And freedom to Be, and to develop as Spiritual beings. Thank you again! :-) xx