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My Husband Has Anti Social Personality Disorder What Do I Do?

Well... I have been married now for almost four years and have a beautiful little daughter. However I am now on a verge of a mental breakdown in relation to my marriage and do not know what to do. I know that I should leave him but I find it so hard! He mentioned to me before that he had ASPD but I did not take heed in what he had said to me untill recently when I began to research it and when reading about it I was shocked as everything it said about ASPD reflected him and his behaviour, and everything suddemdly made sense to me. When we first got married and I fell pregnant he put me through the worst time ever!!! He was never there for me mentally, pysically or emotionally, we would have arguments and he would dissappear for weeks or sometimes even months!! He was an alchoholic and would sometimes behave in violent aggressive ways. During my pregnancy one of his friends wives told me that she had something to tell me and it was that her husband who at the time was one of his best friends had told her before that my husbands ex girlfriend was pregnant with his baby and that she would have been pregnant while I was but a few months more. I was shocked!! and was 6 months pregnant. When I asked him of course he denied it and still does untill this day but I know that he is a liar. However I still do not know untill this day if it is true? Also when I had just given birth I went out for a girlie night which I feel was much deserved, I got home to my mums house at about 12pm night and fell asleep, he than came in at 7am in the morning paraletic drunk smashed a glass cup againgst the wall, oicked up a large sharpe piece of it and attempted to slash my face open with it while our new born was in my hands but luckily he did not though I could see it in hid eyes that it was 50/50. Another time I found a message in his facebook he had sent to his ex girlfriend with his number telling her that it had been a long while and that if she wanted to talk she could call him and gave her his number with xxx at the end of the message. When I confronted him about it he denied it at first than he started laughing saying that me and him was not together at the time as we were arguing (which is not a vaid point) as we always argue and get back together. So out of anger i hit him. Later that day he kept phoning me leaving me messages stating that he was going to slash my face and kill me and burn my whole building down with everyone in it. I thought that he was just saying that as he was angry but he actually came to my house at 5am int the morning and smashed a big glass thing through my window and than tried to get into my jouse nut I called the police and he was arrested. I than had social services at my door within a few days but they knew my daughter was safe especially as he was in prison at the time for it, and so they closed my case. when he got out we got back again and since than he stopped drinking and started praying, I thought that everything was going to be alright but is is not. Everytime things are going good he is there but when things are bad and I really need him he is not there for me. We do not talk about our problems at all he just wants to carry on as normal like nothing is wrong and he does not spend no time with his daughter or me for that. He gets up early in the morning and it out all day even though he is not working. he does not take his daughter out or play with her he thinks buying her stuff is enough. His cousin is a horrible women and we do not speak, his sister is also a horrible person and we also do not speak, I have never met his mum neither has my daughter and she is almost 3 now. His mum is dying of cancer and he went to see her in France and did not even tell me untill i called him on the phone and he said he was in france, i was shocked. he stayed there for 8 days than came back and since he has been back it has not been the same I feel like i hate him even more. I do not understand why he did not take me with him to meet his mum i mean wouldnt she want to at least meet her granchild before she dies? also when he went it was new years eve and so they spent it all together as a family without me and his daughter! I have done nothing to her I have not even met the women I am really confused???? Now I do not even want to kiss him let alone sleep with him and am miserable and depressed having to deal with my last year of uni (essays, exams and so on) deal with my daughter who can also fell that her mummy is depressed as well as deal with him! He can see that I am really depressed as I cant sleep at night, I have lost so much weight and am always crying, but he does not bother with me?? I just had a miscarriage and while miscarriaging i called him to tell him what was happening and that i was on my way to the hospital, his response was that he was at his friends house and that he would call me back, only to fall asleep and call me 3 hours later. from than i feel that there is no saving this marriage and ther is much more stuff that I have not mentioned. Sometimes I think that it is not his fault as he suffers from ASPD as a result of his childhood but what about me? please can you share your thoughts on my situation and maybe give me some advice as to what I should do. thank you 
marocstar marocstar 26-30 3 Responses Jan 20, 2012

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hi.just read your message. my husband has aspd too which I discovered by accident a few weeks ago.we have been married for 3 years,living in HK, then when I was 6 months pregnant he lost his job(for one more time) and I had to come back home to give birth here in Greece. he stayed in HK as he was looking for another job,he came to Greece after birth but he was really good father helping me a lot with baby while he was here. However,since he went back to HK,he cant find a job,he is there trying(that's what he says) and he hasnt come back to Greece since november 2012.he promises to come back but then something happens and he doesnt. he is not aggressive but he really does stupid things,irrisponsible...for example he is supposed to come and pick me up from work and he never appears!!!same experience with ex girlfriends,even same excuses like your husband....at least now I know the reason for all that....his dad worned me a bit before wedding but.....I didnt believe him..I thought that he wants to blame his son for some reason.he already has a son who is 20 years old and he doesnt want to see him and one daughter of 2 years old (our daughter)who doesnt know her dad.he said he ll be here end of june,I dont believe it but I give last chance ans we see.

I know this is probably not what you want to hear but your husband will not change his behavior for you or anyone. This WHO he IS. Your story sounds very much like mine. You wrote this months ago but I am certain that things have only gotten worse. That's how antisocial personalities work. It will continue to be one hurtful, confusing, drama filled relationship and this is Dangerous! I speak from experience...don't fool yourself into thinking your husband would not hurt you or your baby. He would. Aspd is one of the hardest personality disorders to deal with. They don't seek help because they don't have a problem with their behavior, it's others that are hurt by it. And they DON'T CARE. This is the truth. They are incapable of empathy and true, mature relationships. They are Incapable of truly loving anyone is the way normal people do. They just don't have it in them. These asps personalities lie, manipulate, bully, are controlling, abusive (verbal that always leads to physical). They are the wife beaters and the men that kill their wives that "made them mad" or kill their kids to get even with the wife who didn't do what they wanted or who tried to finally get away from them. These types are Immature socially and mentally, they think only of themselves and what is "in it for them". They can never be trusted. They enjoy watching others (especially their wives) squirm at their bully tactics. They like to keep hier wives in fear and confused and make you second guess your sanity by claiming they don remember saying or doing what you call them on. They don't like being confronted about hier lies and abusiveness or stories that don't make sense. That is when they get violent. You can never get a straight answer from them. They can't seem to hold a job to long and have blowups with friends and acquaintances frequently leading to really no close friends . They like to argue and belittle thief wives to "keep them in hier place". If your husband can keep you with him he will destroy every shred of your self worth you ever had. The longer you stay, he takes this as the go ahead that you will put up with anything (because you have). So his behavior and dishonest, abusiveness, ignoring you will go on and on and on. He will never change. Not with prayer, and you cannot "fix" him and should not try to. If he really wanted help he would seek it out and go get some on his own. Even if he does go to councelling he will always quit or com the counsellor like he does e eryone else. He's not a "poor misunderstood guy that can't help the bad childhood that made him like this"....don't fall for that! Grow ups don't blame other people or other things for their bad behavior. Adults take responsibility for their own actions. But asps people always blame. It is "never hier fault". I had a pit in my stomach e wry day for years upon years. My husbands behavior made no sense to me because I thought that if you loved someone you would be honest, loving , caring and would Never do anything to hurt your wife and kids. But asps personalities are incapable of thinking like normal people do. My husband has made my life horrible. We've been married 23 years (stupid me). For the longest time I was just confused and did t know why he acted like he did and he made me feel like an idiot and that I was imagining things. I'm not confused anymore. I have ZERO good memories with him. None. He was yelling at me just before each of my kids were born, would take off and leave me alone with four kids no car and no money. He called me ugly names and made me feel like I was worthless . I am getting my college degree, (even though he yelled at me that "we can't afford it!"). I've stashed a way about 6 thousand dollars and will comtinue to do so until I graduate, get a job and leave and never look back. My friend who is a councelling and ironically deals with asps men in anger management groups told me to leave him a long time ago and run as fast and far away as I could from him. (This is one of my husbands (only) friends. He told me asps men are the hardest to treat because they don't seek treatment. Period. When a wife stays she gives him the green light in his mind to do whatever he wants because the wife will always put up with it which makes his behavior even worse. Get out ASAP! You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You WILL find another man who will truly love you. If you love your child you will leave and not look back. Your child will be terribly affected by your husband and the dysfunctional relationship you and he have. Mine has affected my kids terribly and it didn't have to be his way. I don't make excuses for my husband anymore. I let my kids know that his behavior IS abnormal when they ask. I don't want them thinking this is what normal married couples have. I don't like my hub and as a person and I certainly don't respect him. I stay Way from him as much as possible. He watches tv from the time he comes home till the time he goes to bed. Then after ignoring me day in and day out he has the nerve to grab me "for a quickie"... They are AlwYs quickies...selfish. I hope for the best for you. Read "the verbally abusive relationship" by Patricia Evans. It will open your eyes. It was my life and I was not confused anymore. It on eBay or amazon cheap!

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I feel you need to seek professionally help first for your self. Maybe a psychologist. Is your husband still praying and is it something you can do together. Also how about seeking out a ASPD support group to gain more knowledge of how you can be supported and how you husband can manage his behaviour but also learn to recognise its affects on you. People with ASPD unfortunately don't recognise the wrongs they are doing and some have no empathy. Please seek help.