I Feel Invisible
I love my husband, and he is not a bad man or a mean man, but my needs, wants just get ignored. This is a pattern over our entire 24+ years of marriage, and I always told myself it would be different when...the kids grew up, money wasn't so tight, we had our own home...whatever. I made excuses...well, we are pretty much "there" now and it's the same way.
He has traveled all over the world, sometimes for 6 weeks at a time. I've been taken on one vacation in our entire marriage. We bought the house he wanted...with money my family gave us for a downpayment, he ignored my concerns with how the house would meet my health related conditions, telling me I could sleep in the den if/when I could no longer navigate the stairs.
All the alterations, improvements we talked about during the buying process that I wanted, he has not lifted one finger to make happen. I can do it if I want, but he won't help me.
On Thanksgiving day, I had a rather lengthy discussion with him and our son about what I wanted for Christmas, where to get it, etc. My son said they'd be onsale on black Friday, I asked him to go with his father to buy it for me (most years I get NO gift for Christmas or my birthday) I had been doing lots of overtime at work, so we had the money. I got NOTHING for Christmas again.
This is repeated over and over. He is not mean to me, but he is not in the least concerned over my happiness or well being, except that I am there taking care of him, the house, yard, etc.
I have been in a suicidal depression. He made NO effort to get me to a therapist, doctor, or anything...I had to do it myself. I told him I'd been cutting myself daily...nothing. He just ignores it and hopes it will go away...with NO effort on his part. I don't get a break from the housework or anything, no offer to help me find the care I need, not even checking in with me as to how I am doing.
I spoke to him yesterday about this, how I feel. He says I take everything the wrong way, that he loves me, so I shouldn't think he doesn't care...no matter how he acts. When I asked why I only can have what I want if I make a scene, not just if I ask for it like a normal adult, he said he doesn't know if I really want a thing, he doesn't believe me when I just say it normally.
Today I asked him about our discussion and he said he's just going to forget all about it, like it never happened, that he knows I just said those things and feel that way because I'm depressed, not because there is a real issue.
I feel totally invisible, mute, ignored, and disrespected. Speaking my feelings makes no difference, he just excuses them away as always. Tells me they mean nothing and are insignificant. I can't believe he is just going to forget.
I have been working through a depression workbook, one thing it said to do was to clearly speak your feelings and needs to others, to make sure they know what it important to you...well, a fat lot of good that does!
I am tired of being ignored and excused away.
he asked me if I hated him last night and I said "no", but I do now. I can't believe he said that...that nothing I said was important or real. He just denies that he doesn't meet my needs. I do hate him. I don't know how he could say that to me. I've taken good care of him all these years, not asked for much, supported his career, schooling, moved all over following his dream, let him buy this stupid house I hate, and have been trying to get help for my depression, with no help from him...and he has the nerve to tell me that my legitimate complaint is invalid and he's going to forget it.
I am numb, I hurt so much. I can't believe that he is just blowing me off this way. I thought surely if I put it into words, spoke calmly, etc,...but it's just more of the same.
i do hate him