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I Feel Invisible

I love my husband, and he is not a bad man or a mean man, but my needs, wants just get ignored. This is a pattern over our entire 24+ years of marriage, and I always told myself it would be different when...the kids grew up, money wasn't so tight, we had our own home...whatever. I made excuses...well, we are pretty much "there" now and it's the same way.

 

He has traveled all over the world, sometimes for 6 weeks at a time. I've been taken on one vacation in our entire marriage. We bought the house he wanted...with money my family gave us for a downpayment, he ignored my concerns with how the house would meet my health related conditions, telling me I could sleep in the den if/when I could no longer navigate the stairs.

All the alterations, improvements we talked about during the buying process that I wanted, he has not lifted one finger to make happen. I can do it if I want, but he won't help me.

On Thanksgiving day, I had a rather lengthy discussion with him and our son about what I wanted for Christmas, where to get it, etc. My son said they'd be onsale on black Friday, I asked him to go with his father to buy it for me (most years I get NO gift for Christmas or my birthday) I had been doing lots of overtime at work, so we had the money. I got NOTHING for Christmas again.

This is repeated over and over. He is not mean to me, but he is not in the least concerned over my happiness or well being, except that I am there taking care of him, the house, yard, etc.

 

I have been in a suicidal depression. He made NO effort to get me to a therapist, doctor, or anything...I had to do it myself. I told him I'd been cutting myself daily...nothing. He just ignores it and hopes it will go away...with NO effort on his part. I don't get a break from the housework or anything, no offer to help me find the care I need, not even checking in with me as to how I am doing.

I spoke to him yesterday about this, how I feel. He says I take everything the wrong way, that he loves me, so I shouldn't think he doesn't care...no matter how he acts. When I asked why I only can have what I want if I make a scene, not just if I ask for it like a normal adult, he said he doesn't know if I really want a thing, he doesn't believe me when I just say it normally.

 

Today I asked him about our discussion and he said he's just going to forget all about it, like it never happened, that he knows I just said those things and feel that way because I'm depressed, not because there is a real issue.

 

I feel totally invisible, mute, ignored, and disrespected. Speaking my feelings makes no difference, he just excuses them away as always. Tells me they mean nothing and are insignificant. I can't believe he is just going to forget.

 

I have been working through a depression workbook, one thing it said to do was to clearly speak your feelings and needs to others, to make sure they know what it important to you...well, a fat lot of good that does!

 

I am tired of being ignored and excused away.

 

he asked me if I hated him last night and I said "no", but I do now. I can't believe he said that...that nothing I said was important or real. He just denies that he doesn't meet my needs. I do hate him. I don't know how he could say that to me. I've taken good care of him all these years, not asked for much, supported his career, schooling, moved all over following his dream, let him buy this stupid house I hate, and have been trying to get help for my depression, with no help from him...and he has the nerve to tell me that my legitimate complaint is invalid and he's going to forget it.

 

I am numb, I hurt so much. I can't believe that he is just blowing me off this way. I thought surely if I put it into words, spoke calmly, etc,...but it's just more of the same.

 

i do hate him

sojourn sojourn 41-45 23 Responses Feb 11, 2009

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i feel so alone all the time. I have a closet full of fun clothes that are so pretty yet i have no where at all to wear them anymore. my husband was unemployed for right at a year, he didn't really help me, he sat around doing not much of anything while i worked as much as i could to support us and our kids... now that he has gone back to work i feel like im going to collapse. like i would love to call out of work and take a break, when i suggest this he looks at me like im worthless. he will say something stupid like how much we could use those hours. i am sincerely burned out ... did i mention, like a moron , i married him twice... ten years between marriages.... there are days i wish he wasn't here when i get home... i love him, but our life together sucks... our sex life is all about him... im just over most of this. does anyone out there think its salvageable ?

YIKES! I do hope you get help for yourself... don't be thinking that if you end it all, then he'll take you seriously. You deserve happiness! YOU are the one who can "give" it to you. I'm praying for you

I'm lost and feel the same. I've asked him, begged him, prayed for him, prayed for me to be a better wife. I'm 37 and I have lost myself. I use to be so confident, strong and secure. The sad thing is if I google the top 10 things a spouse is cheating he has at least 8 yet I know he isn't. Why can't he see me? Why is he so blind?

i just want to share my experience and testimony here.. i was married for 6 years to my husband and suddenly, another woman came into the picture.. he started hating me and he was so abusive..but i still loved him with all my heart and wanted him at all cost…then he filed for divorce..my whole life was turning apart and i didn't know what to do..he moved out of the house and abandoned the kids.. so a friend told me about trying spiritual means to get my husband back and introduced me to a spell caster.so i decided to try it reluctantly..although i didn't believe in all those things.then he did the special spell casting for me. After 2 days, my husband came back and was pleading..he had realized his mistakes..i just couldn't believe it.. anyways we are back together now and we are happy..in case you wanna contact this wonderful spell caster, his email address is ishvaratemple@yahoo. com

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I do understand- You have pretty much described my life.

I do understand- You have pretty much described my life.

I am so sorry. I went through a marriage like this and then ended up in another relationship pretty much the same. Mine is into his friends. It's all about pleasing them and looking cool and fun to his buddies. I am ignored and disrespected. He will laugh and play with them but no matter what I've done or do or try or how hard it doesn't matter. Some times it doesn't matter how hard you work and love, how much you give and so on, they don't care.<br />
My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you. <br />
I am worthy of more then this, I know I am. I'm a good, honest, kind and loving person. I've been an excellant mother and wife, the very best I could be and I deserve better and so do you.<br />
Love yourself. He can't take that away from me and no one can take it away from you.

I have only been married three years and my relationship definately did not begin this way but my story is sounding more and more like the ones I am reading. Until now he was very attentive but angry and had horrible outbursts of anger and I think to deal with his anger and not lash out he has had to kind of disconnect emotionally. When I cry or get upset now he gets angry and says things like just stop talking to me a far cry from the man I married. He doesnt really seem to be connecting to me at all like he used to at one time I was sure he loved me and saw his efforts to work on the relationship now he just does for himself and seems to just pretend Im not here or that my concerns needs and wants are trivial and not important.

Emotional and psychological abuse come to mind. I am still recovering from a relationship much like the original story posted. I think it is mean to leave someone feeling like this.

thank you Michellecat, I was thinking the same thing about toughlove!<br />
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Here is my two cents anyway. I too like many of these same responses have experienced some of the same things. I finally got sick of it and divorced my ex so I could find someone who "really" wanted to be to be with me, and could show me that. Since that time, I think almost 6 years now, one relationship has not worked out for one reason or another. I thought I was with someone now who wanted to be with me, we are engaged, but now he is slipping into the same behavior as my ex-husband, with some worse behavior, and some better behavior.<br />
<br />
Ok now that I've given a tiny bit of my story. This is what I have read, and have practiced in the past and it works. This isn't completely man proof, but if your not ready to throw in the towel as I am not quite yet, this might help. Men notice action, they notice when we aren't there. They notice when we have our own lives and they aren't the center of our universe anymore. I got into a pattern of never going out with my friends, and the last two times I did, he threw a literal fit, because he didn't know where I was. That is my two cents; I would suggest, for once concentrate on yourself and finding out what you enjoy. Get hobbies if you don't already have them. Don't do his laundry, and if he complains, be nice and say "sorry honey, I've been busy, maybe tomorrow." Then don't do it again, and just keep being nice about it. Don't be home during dinner time, so he has to make his own. Don't be available for his beck and call. Quite taking care of him, he's not a child, and your kids are grown. Concentrate on yourself. He will probably notice you then.

I am just about to start on a campaign to be happy in my marriage. We have been married 20 years, the kids are grown, I'm semi retired. For all those years I worked (parttime), was primary caregiver, shopped and cooked all meals, cleaned the house, managed our finances, often mowed the lawn, took my car in when it needed maintenance, washed clothes, cooked served and cleaned up after holiday meals, had sex, etc. My husband worked full time, took out the garbage and did manly outside chores like snow removal or cutting up a dead tree and he hunted. In 1998 I was diagnosed with colon cancer and underwent chemo/radiation and am currently in remission, however after treatment I was stricken with some sort of auto immune arthritis and am not the person I once was. Now I work from home and make about 1/3 as much money as my husband. He feels it has always been his right to vacation, hunt and be gone on weekends as he pleased because he works so hard. (He does work hard) I've decided to take a sheet from his book and live as I like - not cook dinner much anymore, I don't need the calories, I hired a cleaning women for twice a month, I hired a lawn service last summer and I'm leaving the cold dark winter of Alaska for 2 months to go visit friends. I've always been frugal and now feel I can afford some.luxuries now that I'm almost 60! Needless to.say this hasn't gone over very well. There are constant digs at my income vs his, how hard he works while I'm taking a nap or I should buy this snow machine because you have a maid. We aren't rich, but have saved all our married life.and do have some discretionary income finally

Anyway, I'm over being ignored and taken advantage of, I'm going to have some fun for a change. I'll let you know if he dumps me!

toughlove33 do you have a penis?? lol seriously, your recommendations and advice sounded more like insults. If you are so involved with your husband and have a happy relationship, what are you doing reading Sojourn's story?

toughlove, how do you know if their husbands are connecting with anyone? If your marriage is so great, why don't you share with these people how to "connect," rather than just berating them for baring their souls here?<br />
<br />
It's nice that your husband likes to participate in some of your activities and vice versa. What would you do if suddenly he did not? And if he suddenly stopped celebrating your birthday, stopped listening to you when you spoke to him, left the room while you were speaking, and put off sex with you indefinitely? How would you "connect" with him? I really want to know. <br />
<br />
As for why he is hanging around when she is so miserable, that's kind of easy, isn't it? His needs are getting met, and hers aren't. Why should he leave? He always gets his own way and enjoys getting what he wants. <br />
<br />
The hard question is, why is SHE still hanging around, when none of her needs are met, all her thoughts and feelings are dismissed, and he does things like put a bow on a cereal box (which he's going to eat,) rather than take her out or get her something for her birthday?

toughlove, how do you know if their husbands are connecting with anyone? If your marriage is so great, why don't you share with these people how to "connect," rather than just berating them for baring their souls here?<br />
<br />
It's nice that your husband likes to participate in some of your activities and vice versa. What would you do if suddenly he did not? And if he suddenly stopped celebrating your birthday, stopped listening to you when you spoke to him, left the room while you were speaking, and put off sex with you indefinitely? How would you "connect" with him? I really want to know. <br />
<br />
As for why he is hanging around when she is so miserable, that's kind of easy, isn't it? His needs are getting met, and hers aren't. Why should he leave? He always gets his own way and enjoys getting what he wants. <br />
<br />
The hard question is, why is SHE still hanging around, when none of her needs are met, all her thoughts and feelings are dismissed, and he does things like put a bow on a cereal box (which he's going to eat,) rather than take her out or get her something for her birthday?

toughlove, how do you know if their husbands are connecting with anyone? If your marriage is so great, why don't you share with these people how to "connect," rather than just berating them for baring their souls here?<br />
<br />
It's nice that your husband likes to participate in some of your activities and vice versa. What would you do if suddenly he did not? And if he suddenly stopped celebrating your birthday, stopped listening to you when you spoke to him, left the room while you were speaking, and put off sex with you indefinitely? How would you "connect" with him? I really want to know. <br />
<br />
As for why he is hanging around when she is so miserable, that's kind of easy, isn't it? His needs are getting met, and hers aren't. Why should he leave? He always gets his own way and enjoys getting what he wants. <br />
<br />
The hard question is, why is SHE still hanging around, when none of her needs are met, all her thoughts and feelings are dismissed, and he does things like put a bow on a cereal box (which he's going to eat,) rather than take her out or get her something for her birthday?

Also - do you know how many people would LOVE to be in your shoes? What a waste. Ask youself one question, "why is HE hanging around if "I" am so unhappy and disenchanted.

Okay ladies. I have read all of your comments, and frankly it is your fault. You must be an "active" particpant in a marriage. Get up off of your ***** and connect with your mate. He is connecting with someone, so if not you who is it? "connecting" means whatever you want it to - sex, intimacy (yes, they are different), long walks, talks, books, movies). My husband and I are two adults who participate in each others activities. Also, no one has mentioned counciling. I see alot of pitty parties here, and frankly, it really isn't necessary. This is a case of a lazy partner.

I think we have the same husband. I am so sorry you are going through this. (((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))<br />
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My husband and I also have been a long term couple and he is never, never emotionally present... but then again, he never really was. I tell him this, have for many years, and he will walk out of the room. Deplore, entreat, beg, crawl, cry... any ex<x>pressions are met by his blank stare or a calm (and flat!) response where HE plays the VICTIM! He will answer by saying, "how could you even say these things to me? Of course I love you."<br />
<br />
I have been ready to leave many times. I have just given up. I figure I have my books and they will be my company through life. Literally. He will never talk to me. He just won't. He won't buy my birthday gifts, Christmas presents, flowers... nothing. For my last birthday he put a bow on a box of cereal and claimed he was thoughtful remembering we'd run out.<br />
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Sad thing is, when he is with his family, he is a fun and happy person. I love many things about him. But they say someone always loves "more" and that someone is me. Not one thing to do about it.<br />
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I am just trying to harden my heart and commit to making reading goals. That is about all I can think of to mend my sad situation.

Sounds a lot like my story, Check out my blog: http://wifetellsall.blogspot.com , you aren't alone, that is one thing I love about EP, before I came here I thought I was alone, the only one dealing with these issues then I found out I"m not that is such a great feeling, I feel normal. Then I started talking to those friends around me and opening up to them and it's amazing their are lots of local people around me who deal with the same or similar issues, everyone is just so afraid to open up and share. We're afraid to let down our guard and be vulnerable.

Hello, I wanted to tell you that I am praying for you...I do not have any answers for you because I have never been in your situation. If I were in your position, I would take a few days and think about what you want. How do you want to live the remainder of your life?

i feel so much how you feel, it was like that for 15 years with my ex. it was like the depression was never ending when i looked at how my life was with him. and it carried on just as it was because he saw nothing wrong with how he treated me. he saw me as much less of a person, as nothing he should be bothered about! the final straw was when i said, ''right, we're over''. he laughed and said i was worthless and i'd never cope without him, and all his money! needless to say, we split within 2 months of that, although i was very sneaky about a lot of things, luckily he never credited me with the intelligence i have! we went thru court and i fought for a share of house profit. i bought a little house for me and kids, my first mortgage! i feel indifference to him now but unfortunately he still hates me as i had the gall to leave him! its 6 years ago now and i feel younger, more confident and so much happier than then!<br />
the main thing that i kept asking myself was if i'd want to be still with him in 10 years time because i was so scared of change<br />
and i ask myself that now because i still dont like the pain change can bring! i am engaged to a lovely, kind man who loves me and i love him. unfortunately, he will not have empathy with how i feel but expects it back, so now am asking myself if i want to be with him in 10 years time..

MY GOD! This is EXACTLY why I am afraid of getting married again. Let me guess, there is no intimate relationship between the two of you (probably hasn't been for years), and if there is, its likely not very passionate, meaningful or fulfilling for you...am I right? Surely, there must have been SOMETHING, some minute little detail in the very beginning that would have tipped you off to his propensity towards being blatantly inconsiderate?<br />
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I entered into a relationship similar to yours and when he presented me with an engagement ring, I ran for the hills. We as humans, can see far into the future, but blindly chose to not do so. <br />
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Now that the children are grown and gone, I see nothing more that's keeping you two together other than sheer inertia...a sad complacency.<br />
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You know, you are entitled to 1/2 of everything the two of you have built, earned and accumulated together during your 24+ year marriage...by law. Seriously, if I were you, I'd cut my losses, cut him loose and take a singles cruise to somewhere absolutely enchanting. Somewhere that I'd always wanted to go, but my lousy husband would never take me. I'd freakin live it up! I'd get myself a humble little home on a couple of acres of land with a breath-taking view in a small rural community.<br />
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Living alone is much more pleasant than living alone in an empty relationship with someone who obviously doesn't give a crap about you.

Dear sojourn, i have just read your confession and I am very sorry for everything you endure. I don't feel I have ready advice. I feel I am still in the mild depression and I have been working through many materials about how to battle it.<br />
Honestly, some tips makes me furious and I want to throw everything and everybody away.<br />
But I feel that step by step I slowly get out of this terrible condition. So, some tips really help.<br />
<br />
What I have been doing?<br />
- I found on net '' praise to me''( e.g. l am beatyful, adorable, capable, confident , happiest , exceptionally perfect etc). I have been reading it twice a day for two months now. Just now I feel that I am more happy and more content with myself.<br />
- I try to be busy with my daugther( reading, teaching her science etc) and household chores. I study and I am the best student(language)<br />
- Everyday I try to convince myself that I love my husband and he is the best( nevertheless we still don't have our own house and money is tight) <br />
- Everyday in the morning I say to myself that today will be easier than yesterday and my condition is a temporary phenomenon.<br />
Honestly, it works.<br />
I hate my husband sometimes too. He slightly jealous some times( twice a year) and I don't like his views and convictions on many issues . Twice a year we have a big quarrel and I hate him from all my heart and I want to hurt him. I want divorce and want to have an affair.<br />
But after this we are fine and we have great sex during the next six months. And everything repeats again.<br />
One more tip.<br />
Find example of bad relationship from your friends or acquaintancies . Have a look at people who have havier problems than you and you will feel better.<br />
How are you now?<br />
Is any changes in your condition and what do you do to battle deppression?

sojourn, I am in a similar position, been like this for several years. I used to feel really hurt by my husbands indifference, then resentment came my way, it ate me up. Now I don't care and just get on with my life.