I Love My Husband, But...

My husband cheat on me late last year.

We both came into our marriage with a couple of common ideas. 1) Marriage is 50/50. We work together on pretty much everything, from taking care of each other, raising the kids, managing the household, etc. 2) Marriage is a long term commitment. We did not marry each other to just turn around and abandon our marriage over total B.S. after only a couple of years. 3) Marriage is not easy. It is something you work on everyday to hold onto.

But when I found out he was cheating on me, I was heartbroken, betrayed. I felt like I am that stupid, clueless wife at home who is way to dumb to figure it out; like I'm to stupid to figure out that my husband needed something he wasn't getting from me. I felt like I wasn't good enough, pretty enough, worth being around. I felt so worthless, as a wife and as a woman. It has been several months now, and I still have trouble shaking the feeling.

My husband and I have been working very hard to figure out the underlying issues, why they are there and how to get past them, keep them from coming back and finishing off our marriage. I understand that infidelities happen, I do. I do still very much love my husband, and I want our marriage to work, but I will have trust issues for a long time, especially after being so badly hurt and betrayed. It will take a lot of work, on both of our parts, to work it out, and I'm hopeful.
schlater schlater
31-35, F
3 Responses Dec 8, 2012

very nice add me please thank you

I'm not sure about this at all. In only 2 years, the man cheated on you? That's a very quick turnaround, and I don't mean to discourage you in any way. So guessing is my only poor way of addressing your problem. But for a man to cheat so soon makes me wonder about his commitment, and seriousness. It may have just been an unfortunate fluke, but to cheat this soon makes me not so sure about his true devotion. I hope you can work this out, but see your misgivings. I wish you luck, schlater, and perhaps counseling may or may not be indicated. At this point I am at a loss to be of much help. There are many things to consider, and I don't know this man at all. So at this point, I';m not sure what to think. Give it some time, and see what you can work out. How long did you date before making the commitment of marriage? So many questions, and so many doubts make me reluctant to advise anything but for now to keep the faith, but tread carefully. Find out what is wrong if he will discuss this calmly and see just what it is he was looking for when the "other woman" came into play. If he is in denial and will not deal with this in the proper way, then counseling may well be your next consideration. Right now I have some doubts, but hope I'm wrong. Best wishes.

Awww, you sound like a wonderful, caring lady with some good common sense. You are not some stupid, clueless wife, too dumb to figure it out!

Some men cheat just because they have an opportunity to, and sometimes they feel awful about it and admit their infidelity. I suppose there are many reasons why either spouse strays, and I know I would be terribly hurt if my husband cheated. You aren't alone in any of your thoughts..

Your post sounds as if you have a forgiving and positive manner towards strengthening your marriage enough to eventually forgive your husband and begin to trust him again. I think I would feel just as hurt as you say you do, and I also think I would have trust issues as well. It just makes sense.

Your lack of trust certainly is warranted. You seem to know that you also have to give him a chance to prove himself to you. And he surely does have to prove he is trustworthy, It seems you need more time to get there, which is fine, it doesn't happen quickly.

I wonder if you have gone through all the necessary feelings so that you can reach that level of trust? Like a grieving process, perhaps. This is why I would seek counseling. If my husband cheated, I think I would have steps to go through before I could trust him again. At the same time I'd have to allow myself to give him a chance to prove himself and accept his actions and not hold a grudge. But this does take time and would have to be earned by him. Reading about your pain makes me see this can't be so easy. Hugs for you - keep on trying. Your writing sounds like you have what it takes to get there.

My father cheated on my mom several times, that I know of. It was hard on all of us the way he handled it. He was mean'ish and crass, crude and rude, and sometimes nice. Yet he had this extremely vulnerable side to him that, to me, said he was insecure while, at the same time, he behaved as if he was better than most and entitled to more. My grandparents were loving and good, kind people. I can speculate that my father, being only child, was over-indulged and nobody recognized how he was turning out. He was a good child from what I hear, just that hardly anyone ever told him no.

He and mom had to of had lots of sex (oh my, yuck) because I am one of 9 children! Life wasn't so good for us as a family, mainly because my father indulged himself a lot with his own wants first, didn't keep things hushed, and wasn't there much for us. When he met the repercussions of his own actions, he would take it out on us, blame us and yell and scream or beat us. Mom included.

That was long ago. Jumping forward, my mom got past his infidelities. I'm not even certain why she kept forgiving him, so it must have been love! They are now 88 and 91 years old. I know my father's life kicked him for his infidelities, and he didn't go unpunished, so to say. But it wasn't the be all, end all, either.