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I Hate My Husband!



Disclaimer/Explanation: I didn't think that this story would be that hard to understand. However, given the number of comments & messages I have been receiving, and their overall tone, apparently my sense of humour and "wavelength" of thinking is quite different from that of most here on EP. Therefore, I find it necessary to now write this addition or pre-lude to my "story". Everything you are about to read was written with a rather large smile on my face, and the sound of me laughing quietly to myself. I do not really hate my husband. Thank you for your patience. Now, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and enjoy the ride!

___



I HATE my husband!

I'm not joking, I am totally serious, I honestly hate him! We're talking hate like with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, will hunt someone down to the ends of the earth for revenge and start a blood feud that will last for GENERATIONS type of hate. Deep down, eternally abiding hatred - that's what I feel.

"But, but, but …. "

I can hear you, you know. I can hear all of your voices, all the confusion, all the choruses of:

"Why?"
"What happened?"
"I thought you were happily married … ? "
"You wrote this thing about how much you adored him and how sweet and wonderful and generous etc. he was …".

And even: "Why the heck are you posting in this group then?"

Be PATIENT my young Padawan's, pipe down for a moment and give a girl a chance to type - her fingers can only move so quickly. I promise, I'll explain it all in due time, but you've got to let me get there first. There is a tale to be told, explanations to be made and a tendency towards verbosity that must be satisfied! Hmm …

I wonder how many long words I could substitute for others in this rambling to make it more sesquipedalian?

Anyways, it's really actually very simple. Yes, I do love and adore him very, very, VERY much. He is all of those things: kind, patient, humble, hard working and sort of REALLY cute! Honestly, I can't complain. I have everything that so many people search and wish for and dream about and never seem to find. There is just this one tiny little problem …

I HATE HIM!

Okay, okay, I see the confusion on your face. You really shouldn't furrow your brow like that, they say it will cause wrinkles. So, smooth out your worried and confused visages, please, and allow me to explain further. See, the thing is, my husband … he's a funny guy ... he takes nothing seriously, EVER. There is always a joke to be told, a quip to be made, a line of humorous sarcasm to be spoken in response to an inquiry. Which, you would think, would be a great thing, a wonderful quality for someone to have. I mean, really, who doesn't want to laugh all the time? Me! That's who. Get it now?

*Looks around expecting to see everyone nodding in understanding and agreement and is only met with even more confused stares.*

What? How do you not understand? He jokes, ALL THE TIME and it's annoying. Oh … wait … I see it now … I forgot to explain the other part. You're right, there is no way this is going to make any sense to you without the rest of what he does. I must seem like a rambling lunatic to you right now, don't I? WAIT! Don't answer that, it was rhetorical.

Okay, so, to explain further you need to know PART II: My wonderful, lovable, sweet, kind, dear husband, he think's its funny to push my buttons. He gets a kick out of seeing me seething with frustration and annoyance. He enjoys making me glare at him, causing me to be irritated and getting me riled up, which to be frank is not that hard. I'm Scottish (maiden name MacIntosh), my naturally dark brown hair has a hint of red (especially in the summer) and I grew up around a lot of very PASSIONATE french people. My biggest personality flaw is that I can have a quick temper and an even quicker tongue. My husband likes it, because apparently I'm "CUTE" when I'm angry.

Here's an example. Please, if you would, follow along and picture this:

This morning we were arguing about something, not all out fighting, and the topic is not important, but we were disagreeing pretty seriously. I was approaching the precipice of "loosing it", and recognizing that the following conversation took place:

Me: "I'm tired of arguing about this with you."

Husband (smiling with that damned adorable smile of his): "We're not arguing."

Me: "Yes we are."

Husband (laughing now): "No, we're not. I'm just correcting you when your wrong."

And that's when I hit him with the skillet your honor! One moment it was on the stove and the next it was in my hand and he was knocked un-concious on the floor. Kidding, kidding, kidding. That's not what happened, there is no need to call 9-1-1. Trust me though, it was OH-SO-TEMPTING!!!

At this point I realize that once again he is just baiting me and he's laughing pretty hard at me. Meanwhile, I am PISSED that I fell for it - AGAIN. So, I take my own advice, I take a step back, I close my eyes and counting to ten I JUST BREATHE. He watches me, chuckling the whole time, waiting for me to calm down which eventually I finally do. Don't get me wrong, I'm still mad at him and plan on ignoring him for the rest of the day, but I can't resist saying something (damned need to have the last word).

Me (cutting some vegetables): "I don't know how I don't stab you with a kitchen knife by the end of each day. I'm a saint!"

Husband (smiling the damned smile again) : Ummm … I think that's up for interpretation. I mean, don't get me wrong, you do have some things in common with saints."

He pauses, chuckling again, and I know it's coming - that thing which makes me hate him:

Husband: "A lot of saints were people too!" (Then he winks at me).

And there it is! With that one line, delivered with that one look, the particular tone in his voice, the way he said it while smiling at me and chuckling, finishing it off with a wink (the audacity of him!) … I can't contain it, I laugh and swat him with a dish towel. DAMN IT!!! I hate him.

See, the reason I hate him, and his sense of humour/joking manner is that I can't stay mad at him, EVER. It's impossible. He always gets me in the end, makes me smile and crack up. I couldn't stay mad at him or walk around pouting if you paid me too. I'm powerless against his un-flappable manner and the contemptible man knows it, uses his powers for EVIL all the time.

I really hate my husband. The problem is ...  I kinda love him too.

Hongruilin Hongruilin 31-35, F 92 Responses Jan 26, 2013

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Sounds like you have a good banter with him.He is absolutely diabolical sounding.lol. Sesquipedalion is my new favorite word and I'm going to start using it regularly just to befuddle people..

Haha, I love the looks I get when I use that word.

And yes, he is completely diabolical!!

that swing from love to hate and back to love again is a very fine line..

Absolutely! I totally agree!!

It sounds as though he needs to let you have a good argument and put up agood argument in return so you can "vent"; let you screem and yell and in return yell back.
Love doesn't mean you can't "fight".

Agreed, it doesn't mean you can't fight. Though it rarely gets to screaming and yelling.

I seem to remember that he actually lost his copper-bottomed sense of humour when you tackled him hard at that football match, when you first met him. I noticed that he refused to speak to you for a while and just sulked! Where was his unassailable sense of humour then?
Had it deserted him temporarily ... ?

Apparently!

I understand. It's good that you finally laugh and don't stay mad at him, actually... though it may be pretty annoying.

It is annoying, yes, lol, but in the end I do laugh and I couldn't stay mad at him.

Then that's good! If he's as good as you describe him, and has just this one flaw - then it's not that bad... I've seen much worse men walk on this earth...

As have I. I have much to be thankful for.

That makes sense. He shouldn't do that to you, but I can see why it would be hard for him to understand that because (1) you've put up with it for so long, and (2) apparently he does not really understand how much it truly hurts you.

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment.

What a lovely article!I really love the way you writing things!It's quite rare even on EP. Guess the Scottish style language is more sophisticated and delicate than American style...And I can't help adding you...

*smiling* ... Thank you.

i wish i had a husband like that ! i don't think u hate him even though you wrote it more than once ... u sound deeply in love with him :p

Haha. You might be right, I might not really despise him that much. :-P

That was the most entertaining thing that I've read in a very long time! You are extremely talented. The two of you must be a riot together!!!

Thank you so much. We do tend to laugh a lot of the time, lol. :-)

Oh the nerve of that man. How dare he?
You had me chuckling through most of it, and you made me look up a word!!! Damn you're a really good writer lady, a mighty fine one :-)

*giggles*

Thanks! I have my odd moments, lol. These are the things in my brain and yes I talk like that.

That has to be the best story I have read on EP.

Aww. Thanks! That's so nice of you to say. :-)

Very nicely done, Hon.

I have to admit that my wife and I probably have come much closer to mutual homicide than you and your husband, but that's a story for another day. I think I would like your husband he sounds a lot like me. I mean, why on earth would someone not enjoy a partner and spouse who has the ability to keep everyone in the room laughing most of the time.

The problem is -- my wife has NO sense of humor. It kind of ruins it for both of us when I have to explain the punchline of every joke.

Oh, and then there is sarcastic wit. Why can't she understand that when I use sarcasm, only 10 percent is meant to be subtle, honest, communication and 90 percent pure humor instead of 100 percent criticism. I mean, that's not at all what I intend. I honestly have never met anyone who has NO appreciation for irony.

I mean, my wife is incredibly cute when she's angry, especially holding her 9mm semi-automatic pistol. Wow, now there's an enticing vision -- a uniform, blouse buttons barely containing her chest, stainless hand-cuffs hanging from her belt, maybe some black jackboots. Damn, I love that woman...Uh, sorry. I got a bit carried away there.

Uh oh. The scariest sound in the world is the sound of a gun's slide being jacked back...Feet Don't Fail Me Now!

I HATE That woman.

*tries to stop giggling enough to respond properly*

:-)
I like this story. That is how a typical "argument" should go, and how a wife should feel about her husband, and how a husband (obviously) should find his wife adorable. :-)

*smiling*

I\'m glad you enjoyed it. We certainly have our moments, but at the end of the day when all is said and done we do love each other.

haha, how had I missed this one? Great story, definitely had me laughing! Sorry you had to post the disclaimer for the clueless! :)

*laughing* ... Thanks! I don't know how you missed it, I mean, it's not like I've written over 250 stories or anything, lol. ;-)

I keep meaning to write a "sequel" to it ... one of these days ...

What are you trying to say? That you write faster than I read or something? :P

Me? Say something? Nah ... I'd never say that ... lol.

awesome!!!

Thanks!

You are very lucky ... you have a partner who knows you well enough to "push your buttons". It means he knows your strengths and weaknesses - and understands them - perhaps better than you
What I find particularly amusing about this post is that I understand it completely ... I am of Scottish descent (mother a Cameron) I too have red/brown hair and a quick temper ... but I also have a unique way of looking at the world - I take nothing seriously. It is my defense mechanism ... like a dripping tap, I let a little of life's stress flow out of me with every comment. If I didn't, I would explode when the pressure got too much.
My personalities keep me balanced and grounded ... it would seem that you and your husband have a similar balance ... run with it - the combination is unstoppable in life - good luck.

I'm not so sure I would go so far as to say that he understands all my strengths and weakness, at least not better then I do. However, we do have a pretty good balance and both his and my abilities to laugh and "push buttons", etc. have enabled us to be able to deal with a great many very stressful situations that might have otherwise been unbearable.

Thank you for reading the story and taking the time to comment.

How long have you been married to me? Why didn't I know about it? How could I have forgotten all of this?

Most importantly, when am I getting my conjugals?

Damnit! I must have hit you on the head with the skillet one too many times ...

Sorry sweetie, we'll get this looked at and figured out, I promise.

Oh, and you had one last night ... Damned amnesia ... ;-)

I prefer selective amnesia - as long as I can pre-select the bits I get to keep. The conjugals would rate highly in the "keep" column. This is very frustrating.

I'll put and order on and make an appointment with the doctor. Let him know you want to switch to the controllable type of amnesia.

Oh that 's good...I love it!

Thank you. So glad you enjoyed it!

It's good to read stories on here about women that have great relationships with their husbands.. :D

It is nice to be able to read some of those isn't it.

The reason I lived to adulthood according to my mother was my ability to crack my father up just before the fatal blow was delivered. Love the story

*laughing*

That sounds about right for my husband. Good thing too, because that skillet is awfully heavy ...

My younger brother who grew up to be a corporate COO could neither make him laugh or move quickly enough to get out of the way. I was quick. It was Plan B. How does the husband move?

Not nearly quick enough. Thank god he can make me laugh or I very well might have been writting this story from prison by now.

perhaps he has additional ways to make you laugh?

Lol. Why whatever could you mean by that?

well, as a multi-talented, man myself, i am just projecting ways that I could tickle a fancy but certainly not my dad's

How ironic that those things by which we refer to as tickling a fancy should probably not make one laugh. At least not if done properly .,.

If you've never heard a simultaneous laugh, gasp and moan, you haven't lived

Apparently I haven't lived yet then.

*grabs a pen and adds it to her bucket list .... s-i-m-u-l-t-a-n .... "Oh hell! This is taking to long" ... Writes "at the same time" .. *

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I love your story! The disclaimer is awesome!! I understood it fully...not sure how some people could interpret that as anything other than humor. My husband is the sort of the same way...then I go around singing " I love you very much but right now I just don't like you." hahaha lmfao

I know! You would think the story was pretty self explanatory but apparently not ... Lol.

even if I didn't read the disclaimer it was pretty self explanatory to me. one of my favorite parts:
" Me: "I'm tired of arguing about this with you."
Husband (smiling with that damned adorable smile of his): "We're not arguing."
Me: "Yes we are."
Husband (laughing now): "No, we're not. I'm just correcting you when your wrong."

That's sooo something my husband would say! lol

Lol. Would you like to borrow my skillet?

How kind of you...I think I may take you up on that offer. hahahahaha

Anytime! It's here if ya need it. I've lent it out a time or two already. ;-) lol

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lol - well written.. i like the " and then i hit him with the skillet your honor" i hope he is better in bed, to make up for it!

*laughing* .... Glad you liked that part. No comment on the other, lol. ;-)

if he likes bad jokes, take a knife to bed and ask if he heard the one about the irritating husband that went off half cocked!

lol, lol, LOL!!!

You are a lucky lady ! That guy really loves you.

Goodness I hope so.

LOl, gotta love marital humor :)

*laughing* ... some days, yes. Sometimes you need the skillet though. ;-)

What a great story!!

Thank you! :-)

Haha! This reminds me of an aspect of my personality. Playful, clever, innocently threatening... Anyway, you portrayed that well. Great read.

*laughing* ... I love that description "innocently threatening". Thanks for the read and comment! :-)

The magic of a soulmate :-) hate intermixed with cute and enveloped by love

Now that is a cute and lovely reply.

He certainly considers you terrific company. Don't you play head games with him?

No, not really. I don't believe in playing head games. A little flirting/teasing, but not head games.

H ?? Have I mentioned you are awesome??? This was such an enjoyable read..well written and making smile and laugh out loud. What a talent you possess. I hope you go on "hating" him forever..lol . :-p

*laughs*

Thanks ... I think ... ;-)

Actually, this reminds me (yet again) that I have a second installment of this that is waiting to be penned. Hmmm ... Maybe today ...

Did you ever post the second installment. You mean I missed you taking out more hatred on husband? Now I'm sad. :(

I haven't posted it yet. Still need to finish writing it. I keep getting distracted.

Squirrels, Panda's and Cowboy''s do that every time.

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Firstly you writing skills are very impressive and I can only dream of using the English language with so much talent.
But one sentence caught my attention. ..you are Scottish and you grew surrounded by passionate French people!!!
Does that mean that in respect to our countries old alliance (I maybe forgot to mention that I am French) you were raised in Chenonceau like Mary Stuart?

*smiles*

Thank you very much for reading and taking the time to respond. Before I clarify the Scottish/French thing, allow me to first state: You're use of the english language is VERY masterful. I've been reading your stories, I'm quite impressed. You are a very skilled and talented writer, especially for one who is French (which I did read already).

Now for the Scottish/French thing. I would have loved to have been raised in Chateau de Chenonceau, but alas I was not. I am Canadian by birth. My heritage is Scottish on my Mother's side, very much so. I used to live near the border of Quebec and I attended Francophone schools until Gr. 12.

Fantastique!
Thanks for your comment on my use of English...I do my best to make a good use of the language...
Are you still In Canada?
I am always very impressed by the way bilingualism is promoted over there.

Yes, I am still in Canada. I live in Alberta. There isn't as large of a french population here, so I don't really have as many opportunities to use the language and find I am starting to loose it. My grammar is terrible now.

So is mine, having been so many years abroad didn't help....

I'm quite certain it's leaps and bounds better than my own.

I do like your style and I would love to know you better. Would you mind adding me to your circle?

I messaged you.

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