I Hate My Husband!
Disclaimer/Explanation: I didn't think that this story would be that hard to understand. However, given the number of comments & messages I have been receiving, and their overall tone, apparently my sense of humour and "wavelength" of thinking is quite different from that of most here on EP. Therefore, I find it necessary to now write this addition or pre-lude to my "story". Everything you are about to read was written with a rather large smile on my face, and the sound of me laughing quietly to myself. I do not really hate my husband. Thank you for your patience. Now, please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times and enjoy the ride!
I HATE my husband!
I'm not joking, I am totally serious, I honestly hate him! We're talking hate like with the passion of a thousand fiery suns, will hunt someone down to the ends of the earth for revenge and start a blood feud that will last for GENERATIONS type of hate. Deep down, eternally abiding hatred - that's what I feel.
"But, but, but …. "
I can hear you, you know. I can hear all of your voices, all the confusion, all the choruses of:
"I thought you were happily married … ? "
"You wrote this thing about how much you adored him and how sweet and wonderful and generous etc. he was …".
And even: "Why the heck are you posting in this group then?"
Be PATIENT my young Padawan's, pipe down for a moment and give a girl a chance to type - her fingers can only move so quickly. I promise, I'll explain it all in due time, but you've got to let me get there first. There is a tale to be told, explanations to be made and a tendency towards verbosity that must be satisfied! Hmm …
I wonder how many long words I could substitute for others in this rambling to make it more sesquipedalian?
Anyways, it's really actually very simple. Yes, I do love and adore him very, very, VERY much. He is all of those things: kind, patient, humble, hard working and sort of REALLY cute! Honestly, I can't complain. I have everything that so many people search and wish for and dream about and never seem to find. There is just this one tiny little problem …
I HATE HIM!
Okay, okay, I see the confusion on your face. You really shouldn't furrow your brow like that, they say it will cause wrinkles. So, smooth out your worried and confused visages, please, and allow me to explain further. See, the thing is, my husband … he's a funny guy ... he takes nothing seriously, EVER. There is always a joke to be told, a quip to be made, a line of humorous sarcasm to be spoken in response to an inquiry. Which, you would think, would be a great thing, a wonderful quality for someone to have. I mean, really, who doesn't want to laugh all the time? Me! That's who. Get it now?
*Looks around expecting to see everyone nodding in understanding and agreement and is only met with even more confused stares.*
What? How do you not understand? He jokes, ALL THE TIME and it's annoying. Oh … wait … I see it now … I forgot to explain the other part. You're right, there is no way this is going to make any sense to you without the rest of what he does. I must seem like a rambling lunatic to you right now, don't I? WAIT! Don't answer that, it was rhetorical.
Okay, so, to explain further you need to know PART II: My wonderful, lovable, sweet, kind, dear husband, he think's its funny to push my buttons. He gets a kick out of seeing me seething with frustration and annoyance. He enjoys making me glare at him, causing me to be irritated and getting me riled up, which to be frank is not that hard. I'm Scottish (maiden name MacIntosh), my naturally dark brown hair has a hint of red (especially in the summer) and I grew up around a lot of very PASSIONATE french people. My biggest personality flaw is that I can have a quick temper and an even quicker tongue. My husband likes it, because apparently I'm "CUTE" when I'm angry.
Here's an example. Please, if you would, follow along and picture this:
This morning we were arguing about something, not all out fighting, and the topic is not important, but we were disagreeing pretty seriously. I was approaching the precipice of "loosing it", and recognizing that the following conversation took place:
Me: "I'm tired of arguing about this with you."
Husband (smiling with that damned adorable smile of his): "We're not arguing."
Me: "Yes we are."
Husband (laughing now): "No, we're not. I'm just correcting you when your wrong."
And that's when I hit him with the skillet your honor! One moment it was on the stove and the next it was in my hand and he was knocked un-concious on the floor. Kidding, kidding, kidding. That's not what happened, there is no need to call 9-1-1. Trust me though, it was OH-SO-TEMPTING!!!
At this point I realize that once again he is just baiting me and he's laughing pretty hard at me. Meanwhile, I am PISSED that I fell for it - AGAIN. So, I take my own advice, I take a step back, I close my eyes and counting to ten I JUST BREATHE. He watches me, chuckling the whole time, waiting for me to calm down which eventually I finally do. Don't get me wrong, I'm still mad at him and plan on ignoring him for the rest of the day, but I can't resist saying something (damned need to have the last word).
Me (cutting some vegetables): "I don't know how I don't stab you with a kitchen knife by the end of each day. I'm a saint!"
Husband (smiling the damned smile again) : Ummm … I think that's up for interpretation. I mean, don't get me wrong, you do have some things in common with saints."
He pauses, chuckling again, and I know it's coming - that thing which makes me hate him:
Husband: "A lot of saints were people too!" (Then he winks at me).
And there it is! With that one line, delivered with that one look, the particular tone in his voice, the way he said it while smiling at me and chuckling, finishing it off with a wink (the audacity of him!) … I can't contain it, I laugh and swat him with a dish towel. DAMN IT!!! I hate him.
See, the reason I hate him, and his sense of humour/joking manner is that I can't stay mad at him, EVER. It's impossible. He always gets me in the end, makes me smile and crack up. I couldn't stay mad at him or walk around pouting if you paid me too. I'm powerless against his un-flappable manner and the contemptible man knows it, uses his powers for EVIL all the time.
I really hate my husband. The problem is ... I kinda love him too.