Life Of Guilt

With Mother's Day right around the corner writing a story seems appropriate. It may not be the hallmark story you're looking for but nevertheless, it's a story.
For starters, my mother is 100 percent Hungarian. She was born in 1937 .Her childhood was also painful growing up in an orphanage. Often wondered why did her own mother give her up she tried decided she would pursue life the best way she knew how. She met her husband in a refugee camp giving birth to my oldest brother (deceased now). They came  1950 something to live the ultimate dream of freedom and choice. After many moves, they settled in Wisconsin.
She struggled with english due to her heavy accent but managed to learn enough to communicate.  She tried getting her driver's license but was too scared. She didnt always comprehend things, so with little confidence about herself, she always played it safe. My mother has always been a hard worker in her life. No one could ever take that away from her. 
My mother gave her all to her marriage and was crushed when her husband cheated on her.  She became a man hater in life cause of this. From what I'm told, they split for a while, and she met my dad. At the age of 30 something.. she had me! I heard all my life how she could have given me up but didn't want to do the same as her mother did. There was 4 of us and I was the baby. She always had guilt for me, always trying to make things right as I got older. As the stories go, the older ones had to take care of me so my mom could go to work. 
At the age of 9 my mother met a man that would change my destiny. He convinced my mother to move to CA making me leave what  happiness I ever known. . Not realizing how critical the family meant to me she thought life in Ca would be the greatest . I've hated my mom for that day, and grew up carrying that hate for many many years. Not having the family support herself she did  her best to raise me. . Not knowing my father haunted me for years, as well as why did she take me away from them. As a teenager,I was horrible and wanted to make her suffer. At one point both her and the boyfriend were drunks. He would beat her, cops would come and she would look at me, hoping I wouldnt tell the truth. She grew more dependent on him and less in herself. Cant tell you how many different times we moved. I was learning to love by association of guilt.
My mother is now 74, living back in WI close to my sister. Most of my life my mother made sure I was close in range. My mother had a way of manipulating my feelings to her advantage. Two years ago we had a huge argument and my mother left that day. She got on a bus and went to WI. So many times I felt guilty enjoying my life without her. I was free. See, all those childhood memories made her a bitter, mean and lonely lady. This is where I must face the truth about myself. I've become my mother. Countless times I prayed God would take her,, kill her. I had sooo much hate inside of me that I never learned how to really love. So, the latest on mother dearest, is that she's been ill for almost a month in a hospital. Weeks back she had to have some surgery due to blockage in her arteries. That day after talking to her I cried like a little baby just wanting to be held my my mommy. I call her everday to tell her I love her but I also want her to know it's okay to finally be at peace. There's not a day since I've talked to her she  doesnt tell me that  she's sorry. I feel her pain and this is why I'm a mental mess right now. The thought of flying back there just to see her one more time has been talked with my sister. For weeks, I play my own mind games with myself. Not sure if I could be strong enough for her and me. All of this is just too much for me to deal with on my own and therefore slowly taking my mind.
Calif39 Calif39
36-40, F
May 6, 2012