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I Love You Mom!!!!

It is an honor to finally be able to write this story.  I did use to love my mom many years ago when I was younger.  That love was taken over by anger, pain and anxiety...

I remember being very young and loving my mother.  Then her feelings for me changed, thus my feelings for her changed. 


There are things that I remember about mom.  Things she did or said that made me feel very unloved by her.   Then in 2004 when I was going through the worst with my flashbacks and PTSD, my feelings for her really changed.  All those negative emotions I had of her seemed to be magnified 100 times over!!!  I absolutely hated when she called or came over.  I HATED IT, AS SOON AS I WOULD SEE HER NAME ON THE CALLER ID OR SEE HER CAR PULL UP, MAJOR ANXIETY!!!  She made me incredibly anxious.  I never knew what she was going to say to cut me to shreds, once again.  The thing is, I would just swallow every thing she would always tell me.  All those years, I just swallowed everything as far as my fear, pain, anger, sadness.  Then I also had stepdad who was allowed to act like a totally jerk but yet I couldn't express anything.   If I did, mom would quickly make me shut up and go to my room.   Mom seemed to always treat me differently that my sister's and my brother.  Her excuse for this was that she was more comfortable around me, so she was more honest and open with me, to me.  She once told me, "I can say anything to you because I know you will always come back, but not with your bother, your brother may not come back!"   WOW, I was stunned.  So her fear of losing my brother made her feel justified to speak to me in any way that she wanted......NOT GOOD!!!! 

One day a few years ago, I could not take it anymore.  She was once again in MY HOME talking crap to me.  I blew up.  I started telling her how I would NOT put up with her coming into my home and belittling me any longer.  This was my home and it's the place I felt I half *** felt any kind of peace.  (As much peace as one can feel having painful, terrifying flashbacks from my past!) 

I realize now, that I could have done or said things differently but that's how I thought, that's what I learned being raised in my dysfunctional home.   I was furious at her, I was sick of her.  I stayed away from my own  mother.  That's not a good thing...

Then I started to notice through the years, that her attitude with me started to change.     She started to change toward me  and my feelings for her started to change.   Where I use to always say negative things to my sister's about mom, now I was starting to defend her.  

I have my oldest sister, who moved back to our hometown to live with my mom.  This sister is single, she never married.  Mom is getting older but I don't have the room for her to come and live with us.  So sister moved back in with our mom.  I notice how sister talks to my mom.  She is always rather rude to her.  Even my other sister noticed.  Something different happened in our family, mom and sister got temporarily moved out of their home.  My brother is remodeling mom's home.  SO for now they live 18 miles away with my brother.   Mom, is not in her own space, where she has lived for the last 60 or so years.  She is 83 now and isn't comfortable driving in the little town where she now lives.  My siblings do not understand how our mom can be so afraid to drive or leave brother's home.  Mom loves being at my brothers house.  It's a very beautiful home by the bay.  The view is awesome.  Mom will go out and work around the yard.  She also does rarely go out and drive to our home town, when she has too.  She prefers not to though.  I totally understand my mom.  I know my mom is afraid, it makes her go out of her comfort zone.  The other day my sister came over bitchin about mom.  I tried to explain to her about mom and her age and how it's out of her comfort zone.  We went back and forth for a while until I said, "I know what it's like to have incredible fear!"  That was the clincher!!!  Sister stopped, got quiet for a second, then said, "Well, I've had incredible fear too, so I guess I can understand!"  That was the end of that conversation.

Later that night, when I was already in bed, I lay there thinking.  I realized that my feelings for my mother had changed.  I realized just how much I truly do love my mother!!!   It is a great feeling to finally feel this way for my mother.  I always use to talk to GOD about this.  I didn't want my mother to die with me having negative feelings about her. 

The other day, we celebrated mom's 83'rd birthday, out on brother's property.  As I came onto porch, I was looking out at the Bay.  I heard my mom call my name.  I turned to her, she had a big smile on her face and I smiled back at her.  She came up to me, hugged and kissed me.  I felt this incredible love in my heart.  Something I hadn't felt since I was a child....

I still have that feeling in my heart from that day.  It's here in my heart, it's fierce and I know that it will be there forever...
TexasLily TexasLily 51-55, F 32 Responses Apr 7, 2011

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When you constantly keep yourself busy just to make your mind NOT think about things, that's not good. All that pain, anger, sadness will just stay inside...it eats away. Have you ever thought about what makes people become who and what they are. I know that my mom came from a woman that didn't ever have love or understanding, her mom, my grand mother was an orphan. If we are not taught this in childhood, then most of the time, we cannot give it back. Those few times that your mom does something very nice, I hope you were able to smile and say, "Thanks mom, this really means a lot." I bet she wants to be able to show you more of her niceness but it's hard for her to let go. Hope you and your mom continue to make progress....:-)

I just read your post. I am 40 and still struggle with alot of things that my mom has said and dont to me through my life that has hurt me so bad. I am very busy.. and extreemly active. ..but I find that when I am idle and reflect back to my past... and think about my mom... It takes everything for me to hold back the tears. My mom is getting older too and I can see in some ways she has mellowed out a bit from when I was younger. ..still It is so hard for me to get past it all. Sometimes she will do something very nice - and I am almost taken back and ready to open up my heart to her again.. but then in no time her true colors come out and she will say or do something that just breaks my spirit again. :(

Hi Evlana, thank you, it was truly my pleasure to write it...:-)

Beautiful touching story about your relationship with your mom.

Awwww, thank you Jamie. I did have to have a talk with my mom, once when I had had enough. It took a few more years but things did start to change. I wish you the best with your mom!!!

the first part of your narration is where I currently am with my mother. I hope I could get to some sort of resolution with her as you did yours. Beautiful narration, I'm very touched.

Thank you Chetnya. I don't know how close we can become. Mom and I are ok with our relationship now. For now, for me, just knowing that I don't hate being around her is such a peaceful feeling. I do want us to spend more time around each other. Hopefully, it will happen. I'm happy for you Chet and the fact that your mom was your best friend. Im not saying I'm my daughter's best friend but I know that she will call me not only in her extra happy times but also in her low. So I have tried as much as I can to have a better relationship with my daughter, that I had with my mom...

Hi,<br />
<br />
It's a nice narration which clearly shows your evolution as human being.<br />
<br />
With my experience, in my life I had only one friend, who stood by me during all thick & thin (most in my low periods) was my mother. Due to any reason, like in your case your emotions and in my case the compulsion to earn made us go away from the mother, but reality is we have lost the opportunity to be with her.<br />
<br />
You are lucky that you have ur emotions back and your mother still exists, with my experience I can say that "Please don't waste time" be with her as much as possible, so that later in life u shouldn't have regret for not making up for the lost time.<br />
<br />
The most precious thing, God can offer us is mother, don't let this precious gift go waste.<br />
<br />
Love her, spend time with her, believe me you will only gain be it richness of experience, finest of emootions, touch of care for others........list is endless<br />
<br />
Regards,<br />
<br />
Chetnya

Hi pappie, YES, so am I. I am so amazed at how I feel inside now. It's such a postive light feelings, it is wonderful. I know this feeling will NOT leave me now. Yes, GOD does know our heart, still, I hope you will be able to also let go and be able to feel the inner peace. Who knows, your mom may be feeling the exact same way...

What a wonderful wonderful story I am so very touched by it.Thank you dear friend,for sharing it I have learned something from this.Forgiveness is always the better choice.I made bad mistakes with my Mom and somehow find it hard to forgive myself.We loved eachother but I wish I could say I am sorry Mom about some things.But G od sees our hearts.I am so glad you made peace so very glad.

Hi abby. Yes, U are absolutely right....of course I always loved my mom....it was so hard to love this woman who would most of the time only belittle and hurt me....now it's not hard at all....I can sit here and smile just thinking of mom...it's so nice to feel these new, light, loving emotions instead of what I've been feeling, most of my life!!! :-)

I think you have always loved yor mom; you never hated her, you just disliked the way she treated you. maybe as a defense mechanism you acted mean just shelling your heart for your feelimgs not to be hurted. Now, that she shows tahe affection you need, you are unshelling all that love you have always fely for her. <br />
It feels good being mommy's girl, and it is never too late to enjoy it. <br />
Blessings your way !

Hi Lena, yes, it is wonderful. It's such a release of so much negative energy to all good, sweet, positive energy. I LOVE IT!!!! :-D

it's nice that you're reconnecting with your mom; and are getting along :-) I'm sure you're treasure your memories.

it's nice that you're reconnecting with your mom; and are getting along :-) I'm sure you're treasure your memories.

Deffinetly. Thank you for replying. I hope we can connect sometime soon. It seems a bit hard at the moment. It is a lot better.

Hello azinheaven, I hope things continue to also improve between you and your mom. It's such a nice feeling to not be filled with all those negative emotions when I'm around her. Only inner peace and love....:-)

Hello <br />
You don't know me, but I just wanted to share some of my experiences. It may help to know that others felt the same. <br />
I only remember loving my mum when I was young too. She started to change when I was about 8. She would make comment about me being anorexic and not being able to have children. She would take her anger out on me. Saying things to lower my confidence and yelling at me for giving my opinion even when she asked for it. She told me that she knew that what she did to me was wrong but she couldn't do it to my sister, because my sister would argue back. <br />
I developed an eating disorder and suffered for 3 1/2 years. Still on and off. I am feeling more love for her now though because she is changing towards me. <br />
I hope things continue to go stronger between you and your mum. <br />
There is nothing Like a mothers love.

Hi Dorothy. Yes, I do feel incredidbly lighter in my soul. I feel like I'm sometimes floating when I'm around her now. It makes tears come to my eyes. I truly never thought that this day or these feelings for my mom would EVER come. I should have known that GOD would NOT let me down!!! I've thanked GOD a few times since I've noticed this change in me and in my mom.....truly beautiful.....LOVE YOU DOROTHY....:-D

Lily - I love that story and am so glad that you have peace and love in your heart for your mom. Family relationships can be so rough sometimes - so laden with past hurts and pains and misunderstandings, etc... You sound so healthy and emotionally mature about your mom and I bet you feel "lighter" letting go and realizing that you have such love for your mom!<br />
<br />
Love the story!! I am so happy for you!

Well you just never know kthinho. I believe anything is possible....:-)

I have always hoped I really wanted to know they were ok safe but I think they would know I would be freaked out if I saw them directly ha ha <br />
<br />
there was a lot more about the conversation that made me think of my brother Peter, the guy I was talking to was similar in nature to my brother <br />
<br />
think a truly amazing too much of a coincidence : )

Awwww, what a sweet story. Im so sorry that you've lost not only your mom but also your brother's. I once had the extreme honour of having an Aunt that had died a year earlier come and give me a message from GOD. I had prayed the night before about my husband who was very Ill in the hospital. The exact way that I prayed is the exact way that my Aunt answered my prayer. She also spoke of GOD, so I knew she was in Heaven with HIM. I do believe with all my heart and soul that our loved ones and Angels are all around us. The thing is to have enough of an OPEN mind and Belief that the connection can happen. I have always believed....

that is wonderful <br />
i have had a very similar experience and up bringing<br />
<br />
my mum died <br />
and two brothers in the past 3 years <br />
i pray that there is after life and that they are resting in peace and happy where ever they are<br />
i know they would not show themselves to me <br />
<br />
but the other week i was out and talking to a young guy <br />
as we chatted lightly is was all very nice <br />
he said he had his mum,in the conversation , i thought of my brother Peter who died <br />
this young guy was quite similar to Pete, lovely ways about him, slightly shy too <br />
but loved people <br />
<br />
at the end of the conversation and i was going <br />
i reached out my hand to hold his and said it was lovely to meet him asked him his name <br />
<br />
and guess what he said Peter<br />
<br />
eventually i went home i had had a lovely evening on the whole <br />
and during the night i woke up <br />
and cried not with sadness <br />
with happiniess <br />
<br />
i think this was a sign that they were together <br />
how wonderful

Awwww, thank you for that Stormie. Im glad you forgave your mom and that will give you inner peace now, even if you didn't have it in the earlier years. I do NOW enjoy each moment with my mom. It's so wonderful to finally be able to do this...:-D

I had the same experience Texaslily. I went through so much in my lifetime with my mother. She wasn't a happy, healthy person for the most part, as we left behind believe she was your average, unmedicated bipolar through most of her adult life. That is sad but that is the reality. I cannot say she passed with things worked out between us but for me, I have forgiven her and have deep love for her when I think of the rather rare memories of her that were good. Thank you for sharing your strory and congratulations as well. Enjoy and cherish each and every moment remaining between you and your Mother. Smiles*

Hello dd, so sorry you lost ur mom so young. Yes, I am very fortunate to still have my mom. Im very fortunate to finally feel her love. I makes me feel more complete, like this is how I should have felt all my life but couldn't...it's a very nice, comforting feeling...:-)

i am glad you are able to feel love for your mom. my mom died at 63. you are lucky to have yours.

Hi Abooklover, yeah, I am writing this witha smile. Took a LONG time to get to this place as far as MOM goes, that's ok, as long as I got here...:-D

Hi Pete. Thank you so much for your compliments on my story!!! <br />
<br />
I lost my two fathers. Too many things left unsaid. Mostly that I truly loved them and that I forgave them. I didn't want a repeat of that with my mom. That would have been tragic. I'm not that wise but I do try and am continually learning!!!