I Love Her Yes But...

Since I'm posting this under an "I Love My Mom" group I will write about all her good points first. I love her to a great extent and she is honestly the most amazing woman in my life. Despite having two pending white collar jobs she would try her hardest to be there for her children when we were growing up and that meant a lot. Sure she failed at always being around, but that's okay she made the effort and that's what really matters. Like me she spent her entire life trying to be courteous and respectful. She put the needs of others before her own. I've lost count of all the kind deeds she's done for other people. Even now she continues to do so. The greatest thing she's ever done in my opinion is be the surrogate mother for her sister who has had a history of miscarriages (I get a cousin and a sister!)... Anyways I could go and on and on about the superior human being I consider my mom to be but she's actually quite inferior in many ways as well.

Here is where everything I just stated will start contradicting itself. Although for me it's just mixed feelings. Over the years my mom and I would have fierce screaming matches. What would happen during these screaming fests is I would sit her down and try to tell her about my problems and everything wrong in my life. Instead of offering the support and sympathy I needed during those times she would call me self centered. Call me out for all my problems. She would tell me to "take a look at the mirror and then at myself and then tell me to stfu and start solving my own problems." That none of my "************* problems would be solved if I didn't stop being such a selfish egocentric little ****". Before you go start thinking she's a horrible person she's not and I've said my share of harsh things to her during my screaming matches with her. Anyways she'd always find a way to find fault in me and in everything I did and that wouldn't do anything for my already low self esteem. No matter how hard I would try to please her and make her happy I was never good enough for her which was excruciatingly painful. This went on for years. So those were just bits and pieces of our arguments and to this day I still don't tell her about my issues despite her feelings of remorse. Some things just cannot be forgiven or forgotten.

Now there are always two sides to a story, so I'll try my best to see if I can tell this from my mothers point of view. What I like to believe is that she raised me with tough love. She's told me herself that while I was growing up she didn't want to lose control of me. She was afraid I would go astray or some **** like that (she was dead wrong). Although I wished she would have shown me the tiniest flicker of understanding maybe even empathy but I was wrong she was incapable of doing so.

*sigh* The woman is ******* Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde that's what she is. Multiple personalities. Right now I can only dream about one day being able to figure her out.

Despite all our differences and disagreements I still love and respect her very much and wouldn't have asked for a different mother.