Same Here...

My mother had always wanted a daughter, and she got her wish when I was born. I was pretty much a living doll for her to dress up and show off.

I soon learned I wasn't what she wanted. She wanted a prissy, dainty, gorgeous girl. I wasn't a tomboy, but I was artistic, loud, and sometimes clumsy. I wanted to take art classes; she put me in ballet classes. In the summers, she'd drag me with her to go shopping. I'd sit in a chair for hours while she shopped for clothes for herself and she ignored me. Salespeople would fawn over her, and she really thought they were her friends-- when it was obvious even to me that all they wanted was to make a sale. 

I'm almost 40 now, and can't remember any time when she kissed me. I can count on my hand the times she hugged me. I was seldom praised but was picked apart. Once I accidentally dropped a crystal bowl at a family dinner-- I was clearing the table, trying to help without being asked to do so. She screamed at me in front of my entire family, and they all stared at me. I felt like a fool. She once beat on my door and threatened to whip me for not getting ready for school as fast as the wanted. Although she didn't work outside the home, she wasn't interested in being a mother. I'd come home from school and she'd be watching TV, barely saying hello. She had the bus take me to and from school, which I hated, but she wasn't interested in driving me to school all of 10 minutes away.

She was always going on crazy diets and would tell me all about them. When we'd go shopping for my clothes, she'd say things like "try on these jeans, they're slenderizing." Then she could not understand why I had an eating disorder in my late teens.

She was, and still is, unconfident and indecisive. She even had to ask my father if she should keep me home from school because I'd woken up with a 103 fever. My father was like "YES, she has a fever!"

I understand it more now that I'm older. She acts like a martyr because she had to be the peacemaker in her own family. Her own mother was cold and distant and her father was physically abusive to her older sister, so she had to be a 'good girl' to keep the peace.

We get along OK but I know I am still not what she wanted, and I'll always be punished for it in one way or another. I spent my whole life trying to be someone I was not, to please everyone like she does, and hating myself. My husband tells me I'm wonderful and beautiful, and he is not a liar... but part of me deep down can't believe it. It makes me sad that she's almost 70 and still thinks nothing is wrong with her, and everything's just fine.

openandlearning openandlearning
36-40, F
2 Responses Feb 14, 2010

i can mother wished i'll be like her which I am not..ever!

i know what you're talking about... i was never what my mother wanted either. she always wanted a girl... she would always say how much easier it would be to raise me, had i been a girl...