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The Difference Between Cats and Dogs (diary Edition)

The Pet Diaries
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Excerpts from a Dog's Diary


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

 
Excerpts from a Cat's Diary


Day 983 of my captivity.

 
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.


They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.


In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.


Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a "good little hunter" I am. Bastards!


There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of "allergies." I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.


Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow --but at the top of the stairs.


I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.


The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.


The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe.

 

For now . .

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Got this in an email... hilarious and so, so true! 

videodemon videodemon 26-30, M 2 Responses Apr 10, 2008

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I was sent this a couple of years ago but it still makes me laugh every time. I don't think my cats believe they are prisoners, but I've seen signs that say "Dogs have owners; cats have staff." I have a copy of Warren Eckstein's "How To Get Your Cat To Do What You Want" but I think my cats could hit the NY Times best-seller list with "How To Get Your Human to Provide What You Want When You Want It, With Appropriate Attention to Cat Protocol and The Inferior Social Position of Humans."

I got this one before as well and it is brilliant and so true.