At A Loss For WordsI have to do my best to hold myself back, because if anyone let me, I would probably never stop writing this.
I don't exactly love my teacher in that teacher-student sense, not in a best friend sense, not in a sibling sense. At the same time, I don't love him in a romantic sense. It's just that that romantic love is what comes closest to how I feel. It is like...I love him for being the person I want to be. For being that ever-present...not role model, that's not it either, because I don't aspire to become him. I know I will become him, but it's good to have him around, because it keeps me on the road I need to be on.
But that's a lie. I do love him as a teacher, a friend, a brother, a lover. He represents all those things to me. I go to him to talk about books, to share music, to explore society and politics, to vent when family issues rise. He's always there, ready to listen to me and ready to respond. He's even baked a batch of cookies for me, when I just had an atrocious week and I was stressed out of my mind because I was worried I was going to lose a family member.
My friends are equally baffled as to how to categorize our relationship. Some of them tease me and say he's in love with me, mostly because I've joked about having a crush on him (I do and I don't at the same time). But when we talk about it seriously, they say that there's something about us they can't put a name to. One friend says our eye contact lingers in class longer than most. I don't know if that's true, because I'm biased and I hope that it does. But I know he and I share a strange banter.
One day after class he stuck his closed fist out and motioned me to stick out mine. I did, and he dropped two small rocks into my palm, and said with a sly smile, "You rock." (I told him he was stupid for using such a dorky pun, but I admit it was kind of cute.) There's a lot of moments like that, where we just act like total best friends, but not in the typical way I'm friends with my guy friends. It's hard to describe. He and I tease each other all the time, but we can switch over to a really serious conversation in a heartbeat.
But it doesn't really matter. I love him, I do. And something about this love transcends all names and labels. But I wish it had a label, so I could figure out what to do with all of it.
reciprocal 16-17, F 3 Responses 6 Nov 4, 2010