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Anonymous Love

He does not know me. Not at all. No more than a blip on his visual radar. Just another student crowding the busy halls between classes trying to get from place to place between the two bells.

But I know him. I know his smile and his laugh and the way his voice sounds when he is upset or proud or excited. I know the way his soft brown eyes shine in the school's dim lighting and the way his hair stands on his head. I've noticed his silly quirks and habits, who he seems to be friends with. I've memorized his wardrobe and how he wears his clothes and the way he slings his briefcase over his shoulder as he walks from classroom to classroom. The way the muscles in his back move under his crisp, collared shirts as he bends down to so kindly pick up something I've dropped in the hall, even though he would not be able to tell you my name. Where he teaches each hour and where I have to navigate to just catch a glimpse of the perfection that is so gracefully him.

And he angers me. How he speaks to friends and classmates because he knows who they are. How I brush past him in the hallway, and can only catch his scent, but nothing more. How he was born eight years before I was. How a shining ring sits comfortably on the fourth finger of his left hand. How he is unattainable. And how he does not know me.

I remain anonymous in my love; in my infatuation, in my admiration. Leaving me to simply stare, because he will never be mine.

TheSweetestSpell TheSweetestSpell 18-21, F 3 Responses Jun 14, 2008

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I know exaclty what you mean. I take the longest route possible just so my old teacher has to smile at me. Even though it's forced and means absolutely nothing to him, it is the only good part of my day. I can't convince myself to shake it off- these stupid thoughts I mean. Whatever it is that drags me half way round the school to see his smile- I can't shake it off.

that was really touching i love it i feel sad just reading it cause i can relate to that kind of...

SweetestSpell, you're story has touched me so much. Simply because I went through exactly the same feelings as you, believe me.. the EXACT same scenario happened to me. You describe it so well its brought it all back for me.<br />
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I understand your hurt because again, the thing that hurt me the most about it was that I didn't matter to him at all. I was luckier than you because he taught me for a year, but I was nothing special to him. I made him notice me though. I worked extra hard in his classes, always tried to look my best and look noticeable, and eventually he got to know me quite well. Even got a couple of hugs off him during my time with him, which was just *siiiiiiigh* wonderful. :)<br />
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After the year of teaching me though, he left for a long while to go back to his home country of Australia and get married. Yes, I know that feeling too! He came back some months after and flashed his engagement ring to me, almost like he was taunting me. It was probably quite obvious how I felt to him. And again I didn't really matter to him at all. He went about his day and I would know I would not cross his mind. And then a few months after he moved back to Australia for good, gone out of my life to be in another lucky woman's life... and I wept like a baby!<br />
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I did everything you did, learning his schedule just so I could find the right room to walk past at the right time so I could catch sight of him through the door. And when he wasn't where I'd expect him to be I'd be angry at him for not satisfying my yearning.<br />
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But let me give you advice from someone who's further on in the story from where you are now. Over a year later from him being out of my life forever, one miraculous day he came back to school, just for an hour, to say hi and see how everyone was doing. And you know what? As wonderful as it was to see him, and as much as my heart leapt.. the pain that went with my passion for him wasn't there anymore, just a happiness for the whole crazy story.<br />
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You will get over this... one day you'll leave school, and you'll look back and feel ok about it. Be thankful that you have had such passionate feelings, treasure them. Its an awful feeling to know the feeling won't be mutual, but as deep as the hurt feels now, it will heal. I promise :)