After The End

right so this is literally the first time I've logged in since i wrote my story about my emotional heart break with my tutor and i figured that i'd like to write a continuation of after the end.

I'm now 15 years old and its been 3 years since my emotional heart break with my tutor (Mr.m). in case your wondering i still hang around with skinny perfect girls, my skirt is still short, my boobs are much more noticeable and... this may shock you but Mr.m is still my tutor.

yes we still walk past each other on the walk way silently ignoring each others existence. we still exchange looks that seem to be the only way of interacting. he still only calls my name when hes doing the register but are my feelings the same?

well... I've learn't that things are not going to get any better between us and you'd tell me that the right thing to do is to let go but that's the thing about me, i'm way to stubborn and even if i do know the answers i just chose to ignore it. You'd assume that by now since 3 years have gone by and now that i'm a proper teenager that i'd learn from my mistakes and not get involved with older men or teachers or married men but your wrong.

I've got all my emotions locked up in a jar. I've lost my virginity and smoked weed and ran away from home which was quite interesting while it lasted. And why did i do these things? you see the thing is we never really know why we do things, we just do things for the sake of if. we make decisions and have an idea why we have chosen to do it but we never really process the official reasons towards why we do things.

i know that i ran away because i was upset and angry but not sure why i felt like that. i knew that it was possibly to do with the fact that i was still hung up on Mr.m and that i had been arguing with my mum but i still didn't know the exact reason. i sat in a cafe all night for hours lasting on just £1 left from my £5 note i had used to buy tea. Could have gone to a friends house, could have gone to my dads house could have gone back home but no i decided to walk around the streets of London at night and sat in a cafe when my legs were tired and couldn't bare the coldness. That night i got to appreciate the beauty of the night sky while i walked around. i switched my phone off so no one could call me. i ignored everyone and anything. i was lost but it somehow made sense. i felt fine and often forgot about the fact that i had just ran away from home. i forgot about everything.

not long after i had met Max. A nice young ginger man about the age of 23 who was kind enough to buy me a cup of hot chocolate and insisted i stayed over at his house for the night instead of being outside in the cold unsafe. so i decided to say yes i mean after all i had nothing to lose apart from my life you'd say but no he's not a weird creepy cereal killer or a *********. He was just genuinely being kind and thoughtful until we arrived at his apartment i fell asleep on his sofa straight away and woke up about half an hour later by the sound of the kettle boiling. he was making tea. we staid up all night till it was no longer night time and we talked and i told him about my problems. didn't mention Mr.m... haven't mentioned Mr.m to anyone. that moment while we sat close together my skin could sense the evidence of our tenseness. so i leaned in and kissed him knowing he wanted to. the tension between us was released by are tongues over lapping. it was so perfect. the way he lifted me up onto his bed. We had sex and it was my first time. but i'm not going to lie and many people will probably judge me on this but i enjoyed ever minute of it. it was so perfect, filled with passion.

When it was morning round about 7:30am Max rushed me to Queen Marry's Hospital as soon as the sexual health walk in center had opened. why? i wasn't dying or anything but i was on a very high chance of getting pregnant so i needed an emergency pill. So of course they couldn't give it to me because i'm 15 so i had to lie about my age. i was frightened and close to tears and time was just teasing me. eventually i got the pill and morning pills to take for 30 days and some free condoms but i knew that i wouldn't use them so i gave them to max on the intentions on never having sex again... not yet so any way He dropped me home and said he'd call me.

My mum doesn't know where i went when i ran away. and i wouldn't tell her but she let it go. as soon as i stepped into the house i went straight into my room and slept since i hadn't done much sleeping while i was away. an hour later a police officer came into my room who needed to talk to me and thats when i realized she got the police involved and that any of the police cars i saw while i ran away, while i was in the cafe, while i was in the car going to Max's house, while he drove me to Queen Marry's Hospital... any of those police cars could have been the one looking for me. and it sort of just freaked me out and made me feel guarded and watched.

Now things are better with my mum.. we're closer than we were before but i still go off and do silly things. My emotions are still kept in a jar and since i'm writing this a few days after i ran away.. i'm struggling to remember to take my morning pills. my exams are stabbing me in the back and piercing me wherever possible. Sadly i'm still having sex with max but these times i have been thinking about Mr.M. I guess i do it with max because it comforts me. but i have realized that Mr.m is still there. Hes still in my mind controlling my every thought. and sometimes when we're done and we just lay there and all i can think about is Mr.m and the time we kissed and the way he held me.

i had a science exam on Tuesday, the day i found out that one of my relatives died and of course my tutor would find out because... well because hes my tutor so he's informed. so i sat there in the exam hall and all the teacher stood at the front, some at the back but he stood at the front and i know, i just know that he was looking straight at me.He knew i had just found out that a relative had died and he knew that i ran away because the school was informed and he stood there staring into my weakened eyes.
i was so shocked to see what i had seen but after 3 years of silence and only looking at each other this time he stared at me for so long and his lips moved. he tried to tell me something but i had no idea what it was. but it looked something like 'its okay' or something that ends with a word similar to okay. i don't know. i really don't know what he said but he tried to say something and suddenly he just walked out and i could tell he was going to cry.
at that moment i just wanted to run out the hall and go hug him tightly but i knew i couldn't. so i just sat there unable to concentrate.

but now i understand. now i know why i do the things i do. why i go off with random strangers. why i keep my emotions locked up in a jar... because i'm still in love with him. 3 years have gone by and i'm still deeply in love with him more than i was before and i know he has feelings for me i know it. i could tell by the way he suddenly walked out the room with teary eyes, the way he whispered words to me from across the hall but i couldn't tell what those words were. that day when the exams were over and i had to head over to tutor (last lesson of the day) i was late. i walked in and there he was with his bright blue eyes. he ignored the fact that i was late and carried on talking to the class till nosy attention seeking Jordan decided to put his hand up and say 'see how comes she was late and your not giving her a detention?' but Mr.m decided to ignore his comment and turned to look at me and smile.

That day something happened. something exiting happened. when the bell rung and it was home time i decided to pack my things away slowly, deliberately so i was the last one to leave the class and there he stood. looking at me and my heart started pumping like crazy. His exact words were
'Id kiss you right now, if i could' and handed me a note with the instructions not to read it until i get home. which is what i did. and the note read:
Cafe Nero - brixton road
1:30 on Sunday 21st January 2013

which is basically tomorrow. hes written a note telling me to meet him at Cafe Nero and am i exited? of course i am but im also filled with anxiety and tenseness and these thoughts in my head that what if what he wants to tell me is bad? what if he doesn't turn up? what if he wants to telling me that hes moving away or that he never wants to see me again? my minds filled with all these thoughts and questions that i just don't know the answers to.

its like love likes to be difficult, its like it loves the fact that it messes people up, it loves the fact that its messed me up, it loves that fact that all i want is it, it loves the fact that im suffering to get it, it loves the fact that i crave it and need it. so now i just sit her and wonder would to do.
should i go? or should i not?

BubbleGumKisses BubbleGumKisses
13-15, F
2 Responses Jan 19, 2013

Please update soooooon!!!

Your story actually made me tear up.
I know there hasn't been an update, but I wish you happiness however it continues.